WEEKLY WHINE

Waiting for Hayden

One of you sent out that fake E-mail about the Spice Girls cancelling one of their tour dates.

Own up, whoever it was. They don’t think it was very funny.

But, of course, we do. We here at GoobNet feel that practical jokes played on celebrities are always funny, especially if they’re on talentless hacks who have made a name for themselves based upon their appearances rather than their abilities.

If you haven’t been monitoring the gossip channels the way we have, you may have missed these other, equally fraudulent E-mails that purported to be from celebrities. In fact, maybe they were from celebrities, but from different ones.

KIM KARDASHIAN

I am pleased to announce that my ass has recently received its own ZIP code. I would like to thank the US Postal Service for recognising my ass in this manner, and we hope that this will lead to greater opportunities for my ass. All future correspondence to my ass may be addressed to ZIP code 90169.

RICHARD HATCH

It gives me great pleasure to announce my new publication, the Antisocial Register. The inaugural edition, to be published early next year, will serve as a directory to some of the world’s most useless people. The Antisocial Register is being published in partnership with TMZ and Us Weekly.

VANESSA HUDGENS

It has recently become clear that several of you did not in fact receive the naked picture of me that has been flying around the Internets. As such, attached to this message you will find it in all of my glory. I know I can trust you not to share it with anyone.

KATIE HOLMES

Help! Get me out of here! I don’t want to be an Operating Thetan 9 or whatever the fuck he’s trying to make me! There’s a tunnel out back of – aaaiieeeee!

HAYDEN PANETTIERE

Owing to the frequent rumours that have been circulating lately, I feel that I must set the record straight. I am actually from the Dominican Republic, and I was actually born in 1990. That means I’m still not legal yet, all you deranged pervs who were waiting for what you thought was my eighteenth birthday. Bet you feel like a sick motherfucker now, don’t you? The best part is, now you have to show your shameful faces to your girlfriends. Those of you who have girlfriends, anyway. And if you don’t have one and think that you have a chance with me, you’ve got to be fucking kidding.

PARIS HILTON

I would like to announce that I am hereby revoking my celebrity. As of this moment, I am no longer famous.