WEEKLY WHINE

Take cover

Today is the day when everything changes for you. Your horoscope says so.

Oh, wait. That’s somebody else’s horoscope.

Yes, astrology is completely useless, and horoscopes might as well be created using random number generators. In fact, maybe they are. That would explain why their information about the solar system is always incorrect, such as yesterday’s horoscope on Yahoo, which claimed that at 08:06 UTC, the Moon would transit through Cancer. In fact, at 08:06 UTC yesterday, the Moon was entering Gemini, at least as seen from Earth. This should be enough to demonstrate to you that the optimal decision making procedure for you is not dictated by a set of orbital elements that aren’t even correct; they are dictated by the type of headgear that you favour.

BASEBALL CAP
You are athletic, sedentary, quick, and leisurely all at once. You enjoy walking, running, and stopping. But be careful! If you stop unexpectedly, you may irritate others. Your lucky logo is that of the Houston Astros.

TAM O’SHANTER
Your day is set to be an exciting one. In the morning, interactions with the shawl will give you a new business opportunity. Be sure to contemplate it fully, because there may be some wrinkle that you miss on the first look. The afternoon will see you taking an unexpected detour. Instead of complaining and being short with others, take the time to enjoy your surroundings. Consider borrowing something from someone you see on this detour. Finally, in the evening, you should not say no. Not at all.

WIG
American football helmets are ascending in the east, and that means it’s time to confront others. Anybody who makes jokes about your natural hair should be attacked, even if it was really funny. Your lucky nose is Sarah Silverman’s.

MINER’S HELMET
Your night vision is better than that of others.

BOWLER HAT
You have often made history by arriving late, to an unprecedented extent. Perhaps it may be time to arrive early and make a different sort of history. Your lucky award show is the Tonys.

FEDORA
You may enjoy open source software, or perhaps you don’t. You are often known to do one of two different things, unless there are more options than that, in which case you frequently select one. This habit will come in especially handy today, because the Panama hat is at a 30-degree confrontation with the bonnet, and that means you will have to take some sort of action.

COWBOY HAT
Say “Yee-hah”. Go ahead. We just want to hear it from you.

TOPHAT
We were going to make a Monopoly reference here, but we here at GoobNet are headbandians, and our forecast for today says that it would be bad luck to make lame jokes about board games today. Instead, we will merely suggest that you not wear a monocle today.