WEEKLY WHINE

It wasn’t me, officer

A Russian man living in Estonia was fined for being part of a distributed denial of service attack last year on Estonian websites. What is the moral of the story?

If you said “don’t get caught”, you have learned how to survive in the modern era.

It is no longer desirable to be a moral, upstanding citizen. You are now expected to cheat, like Mark McGwire in 1998. But the very same people who adored you will villainise you as soon as they find out that you cheated, like Mark McGwire in 2008.

It seems that we have recently received a number of messages about this topic, and not merely because we asked you to send us messages about this topic. People are angry about having to cheat, or angry about being caught cheating, or angry about how the word cheat sounds. To discover how the public feels, please stand behind these upturned automobiles and listen for the shocked screams of those who are too close when we open up the GoobNet Mailbox.

You are asking about cheating. Well, there is a game show where people are encouraged to cheat off of kids. And they can win up to a million dollars for doing so.

– Julia McWorser
Greensboro, NC, USA

That’s true. But enough about Who Wants to Know the Difference Between Different Types of Monsters in Harry Potter.

I think this is symptomatic of a larger issue. Everybody wants to make lots of money, but nobody is willing to put in the effort required to do so. An example would be spammers. They click a button and send out millions of spam messages. Even if .01% of people respond, that’s a few hundred people.

– Bob Cander
Kent, England, UK

We would disagree that spamming is an example of people not working for money. We would consider it an example of people being assholes. The respondents, in turn, would be an example of people being idiots.

I’m the smartest person in my high school class. Maybe it sounds conceited, but it’s true – just ask them. Anyway, I’m afraid that everyone will cheat off me in the exam next week. What should I do?

– Maria Camacho
Montclair, CA, USA

We asked them. We selected eighteen students in your year and asked them who was the smartest. Seventeen said you, and the other said himself. But he also said he wants to go to the junior prom with you, and he doesn’t think he’ll ever work up the nerve to ask you.

Anyway, you should ask him yourself.

But you haven’t told me who it is.

– Maria Camacho
Montclair, CA, USA

Of course not. You don’t want us to take all the mystery out of life.

I’m a girl.

– Shawn Grant
Montclair, CA, USA

Congratulations.

No, the thing is, I’m the one who said I’m the smartest in our class, and I’m the one who wants to go to the junior prom with Maria. You said I was a guy.

– Shawn Grant
Montclair, CA, USA

With a name like “Shawn Grant”, what did you expect us to think? Sure, “Shawn” is a fairly common name for women, but it’s more common for men. And from the context, there was only about a ten percent chance, given no a priori knowledge about your name, that you were female. Include the evidence of your name, and we have an estimate of your probability of being female of about six percent. Congratulations on defeating the odds.

So Shawn has a crush on me? It’s going to be awkward seeing her in class this week. Not that I’m not interested, mind you.

– Maria Camacho
Montclair, CA, USA

We have just heard from Logo. They are offering you and Shawn a tidy sum for the rights to a film based upon your story.

Well, that brings a new meaning to the phrase “High School Musical”, doesn’t it?

– Grant Fossairle
Trenton, NJ, USA

Shut up.