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WHAT TARA REID MASTURBATES TO

WEEKLY WHINE

Mmmm, prognostication

GoobNet is proud to announce our new line of baked goods titled Misfortune Cookies, which contain messages like the following:

  • YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY LOVED ONES. NOT YOURS NECESSARILY, BUT SOMEONE’S

  • YOUR SPECIAL SOMEONE IS OUT THERE

  • TODAY IS A GOOD DAY FOR DOWNLOADING ILLEGAL MP3S

  • THE PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS WILL WIN THE NBA CHAMPIONSHIP THIS SEASON. GUARANTEED. SERIOUSLY, GO TO VEGAS AND PUT EVERYTHING YOU HAVE ON IT. RIGHT NOW. GET UP OFF YOUR ASS AND GO

  • YOU RESIDE IN A SPECIAL PLACE – AT LEAST YOUR LANDLORD THINKS SO

  • THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO, AND THEN DO IT

  • THIS COOKIE HAS ENCOUNTERED AN ERROR AND NEEDS TO CLOSE. WE APOLOGISE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE

  • FABRIC SOFTENER CAN HELP KEEP YOUR CLOTHES LIKE NEW. THIS IS RICH FIELDS, SPEAKING FOR AUDIO FORTUNE COOKIES

  • YOU ARE EXCEPTIONAL AT FLAMING N00BS

  • HELP! I’VE BEEN TRAPPED IN THIS FORTUNE COOKIE FACTORY FOR TWO YEARS! GET SOMEONE TO BREAK THE DOOR DOWN!

  • DON’T BE AFRAID TO MAKE A MAJOR DECISION, LIKE BUYING NEW PANTS

  • TRUE WEALTH COMES FROM YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS – WHICH IS GOOD, BECAUSE THEY KEEP TAKING YOUR LITERAL WEALTH

  • YOU ARE BLESSED WITH AN INCREDIBLE ABILITY TO OPEN FORTUNE COOKIES

  • SELECT PAPER ON YOUR NEXT THREE TRIPS TO THE GROCERY STORE, AND THEN PLASTIC ON THE FOURTH

  • GIRLS CHOOSE GUYS WITH BIG MACHINE SURELY ENOUGH

  • INSTEAD OF ACTING ON ARBITRARY SUGGESTIONS FROM FORTUNE COOKIES, WHY NOT THINK FOR YOURSELF FROM NOW ON?

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