WEEKLY WHINE

Whose pants are these, anyway

As you are no doubt aware, the world is in poor shape at this time, what with wars, violence, general mistrust, and nobody having visited the Moon in more than thirty five years.

But there’s one good thing going on, and that is the fact that a guy who works at a daycare won US$1,000,000 on the US edition of The Price is Right. So naturally, we here at GoobNet wanted to know what skill you, the people around the world, think is worthy of winning a million US dollars.

Actually, we’d better make it a million euros, and we’d better make it tax exempt too. In any case, in the hours after that programme, people just like you [maybe a little too much like you] sent us your ideas about the sort of million-[insert currency here] game show that you would devise. So stay back and hold your breath so that we may open the GoobNet Mailbox. If you begin to see strange things floating in front of your face, consult a physician immediately.

In my opinion, the best way to give away a million dollars on television is Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. The questions get harder as the money increases, and what is more, the dollar amounts can be customised for each individual nation and how valuable, or valueless, its currency is.

– Stanley Fisster
Bradley, ON, Canada

The money amounts can be customised for any game show, not just Millionaire.

I have a perfect idea for a million-pound quiz show. All you have to do is answer a question with a very large answer, such as “How many kilometres is the average distance between Earth and the Sun?”. Then, if the contestant’s guess is within a million of the correct answer, the contestant wins a million minus one pound for each number he was off.

– Bryce Fountainhead
Llywllovcllimvy, Wales, UK

For your convenience, we have already come up with some other questions.

• What is the US’s current national debt in dollars?
• What is the current population of Earth?
• How many neurons are in your brain?
• How many cups of coffee were sold at all Starbucks locations in the US last year?
• How many total bytes did all residents of Ricketts download last term?

Close your eyes and imagine my game show. The announcer says, “You could win a million euros today, if you know...”, and then the audience shouts out, “Whose Pants Are These”! Then, various historic costumes from film and television are shown, and if you guess the show or movie they came from, or the actor who wore them, you can win up to a million euros!

– Rebecca Rusita
Madrid, Spain

That is definitely worth it, if only for the sound of a large audience shouting out “Whose Pants Are These”.

I have come up with the best game ever: “Can You Beat George”. The rules are simple. We play a clip of a George W Bush speech, but we freeze it immediately before he says something incorrect like “nuke-ular” or “a heck of a job”. The contestant then has to insert words that are more accurate than whatever Bush actually said. Each successful speech earns the contestant more money, all the way up to a million dollars.

– Beatrice Samuel
Portland, OR, USA

Which, ironically, is more than George W Bush himself makes.

How about “What Number is Stephen Colbert Thinking Of”?

– Lisa MacLouster
Little Rock, AR, USA

Is it sixty nine?

Name That Tune could be played for a million dollars.

– Janet Parker
Jersey City, NJ, USA

The word on the street is that CBS was working on such a game. Ultimately they decided on million dollar Password instead.

Presenting the world’s greatest game show: “Drive for a Million”! Here’s how it works. The contestant plays against a celebrity contestant, such as Lindsay Lohan or Mel Gibson. Both players drive a course with various obstacles. If the regular contestant strikes fewer obstacles than the celebrity contestant, the regular contestant wins a million dollars.

– Callie Cambirari
Watamaga, OR, USA

That sounds too easy. Shouldn’t the civilian be given a handicap, like a blindfold?

My idea for a game show is superior. Seriously. Here’s how it works. You parachute out of an airplane, and if you land in your own backyard, you win a million dollars.

– Jesse Falluntarie
Newcastle, NSW, Australia

Shut up.