WEEKLY WHINE

Hilary in particular

Have you tasted our Misfortune Cookies yet? They’re just like fortune cookies, except that they taste different, and they don’t contain anything that could help you make any kind of decision. Instead, they contain exciting messages like these.

• BE READY TO TRAVEL TO AN EXCITING PLACE TOMORROW, LIKE YOUR OFFICE

• YOUR FLYING CAR IS READY

• YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE -1, e^-πi, ∞/2, AND MMCMLVI

• IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT, AND I FEEL FINE

• HI

• PEOPLE WHO THINK LIKE YOU ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED. ESPECIALLY YOU

• TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES, AND EACH OTHER. THIS IS JERRY SPRINGER, SPEAKING FOR AUDIO FORTUNE COOKIES

• YOU DISGUST ME

• LET YOUR FRIENDS LIGHT YOUR HAIR ON FIRE

• YOU HAVE 0 DAYS REMAINING IN YOUR FREE TRIAL OF FORTUNE WRITER PRO 2.2. REGISTER NOW TO GET ALL THAT FORTUNE WRITER PRO 2.2 HAS TO OFFER!

• GAME OVER

• YOU WILL GIVE BIRTH TO A HEALTHY BABY GIRL. AND THIS TIME I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANY COMPLAINTS LIKE “I’M NOT PREGNANT” OR “I’M A GUY”

• SWANK IS WHAT YOUR LIFE LACKS

• YOUR FORTUNE, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT, IS TO LIVE A LONG, PROSPEROUS LIFE

• YOU ARE AN ALIEN POSING AS A HUMAN

• I DON’T WANT TO START A PANIC OR ANYTHING, BUT I SAW A RAT IN THE KITCHEN. AND I DON’T THINK IT WAS THE GUY FROM RATATOUILLE