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WEEKLY WHINE

Sex education doesn’t stump Edvard

Did you know that teenagers fuck?

They do.

Did you know that it’s hard to stop teenagers from fucking?

It is.

But there are many people in the US who want to stop teenagers from fucking. Good idea, right? But ironically, proponents of abstinence-only sexual education are themselves fucking up, because of the part after the hyphen.

To find out what teenagers should know about sex, we should let them ask. So we did. We let them ask our very own expert on certain things, “Dynamite Eating” Edvard van de Kamp.

Note that names have been changed to protect the innocent. As these messages will show, though, perhaps they’re not so innocent.

Dear Edvard: Do condoms really fail all the time?

– Ryan Macadam
East Chicago, IL, USA

Dear Ryan: No. According to the 19th edition of Hatcher et al’s Contraceptive Technology, 2% of women whose partners use latex condoms “perfectly” have an unplanned pregnancy within the first year, compared with 85% of those who do not. In addition, a 1999 study by Davis and Weller demonstrated that proper, regular use of latex condoms reduces the risk of HIV transmission by 85%. A 2000 survey by the National Institutes of Health estimates, based upon earlier studies, a latex condom failure rate [including breakage and slippage] of 1.6% to 3.6%.

Dear Edvard: I know condoms fail a lot, but is that just because people don’t know how to use them?

– Dianne Salacomats
Gilbert, AZ, USA

Dear Dianne: That is unknown, but the above survey from the National Institutes of Health suggests that condom failure rates are likely to have decreased over time, owing to better user experience.

Dear Edvard: My girlfriend and I are ready to have sex for the first time. We’re both [##] and we have been together for a week and a half. What should we do to keep safe: straight up, or round the back?

– Hector Romafloviovin
Lowell, MA, USA

Dear Hector: According to many studies, anal sex has a number of risks, including increased probability of HIV transmission and ano-rectal trauma, which is even worse than it sounds. Oral sex obviously eliminates the risk of pregnancy, which, as we’ve discussed, still exists even in the case of vaginal sex with a condom. I’ve seen no definitive studies about whether oral sex with condoms or vaginal sex with condoms results in a lower rate of STD infections, though many seem to believe that oral sex is safer.

Dear Edvard: Is it true that you never forget your first time?

– Lisa M Parkhurst
Regina, SK, Canada

Dear Lisa: Yes. My first time was a long time ago, but I still remember it vividly. It was about ten minutes after the first paleontology class that I took. I suddenly heard shouting coming from the women’s bathroom. Nobody was around, so, hesitantly, I knocked on the door and asked if she was all right. Instead of answering, she whipped the door open, yanked me inside, and slammed the door shut again. She ripped off my trousers, and I banged her right there in the women’s bathroom in the Raeper building.

Two weeks later, I discovered that the bitch had given me chlamydia.

Dear Edvard: My mother says oral sex is a big deal, but Veronica in Clerks says it isn’t. Who’s right?

– Elise Campayso
Seattle, WA, USA

Dear Elise: If you think it’s a big deal, it’s a big deal. If you don’t, it isn’t. It can still spread STDs of course, so be careful, and seriously consider protection.

Dear Edvard: Stop telling teenagers to have sex. You have a moral responsibility to prevent the next generation from making the same mistakes that you did.

– Dr Paul Chaffley
Austin, TX, USA

Dear Dr Paul: That’s exactly why I’m telling them not to have unprotected sex.

Dear Edvard: Can two girls have safe sex?

– Colleen O’Shallie
Boston, MA, USA

Dear Colleen: If you mean safer than unprotected sex, yes. A dental dam, a latex sheet placed over the vulva, can be used. You can even get them in different flavours.

Dear Edvard: If condoms are really that safe, why do most of my friends think that they always break?

– Charlie Adamlae
West White Grove, FL, USA

Dear Charlie: I would guess that your friends aren’t using them correctly.

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