WEEKLY WHINE

The security of knowing what is to come

Is there something in your life that’s missing? If so, you’ll need to find out what it is. You may need some outside help for that, so be sure to refer to GoobNet’s Misfortune Cookies, which contain hints on how to live your life. We are currently shipping a large batch to Lindsay Lohan.

• DON’T DO THAT

• TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO EAT THREE MEALS

• LEARN THE EXCITING NEW SPORT OF SKLARBALL. IF SKLARBALL HASN’T BEEN INVENTED YET, JUST INVENT IT YOURSELF

• WE ARE NOT AMUSED

• YOUR LIFE IS THE ENVY OF OTHERS. BUT FOR THE LIFE OF ME, I CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHY

• GO SIT IN THE CORNER

• YOU ARE EXTREMELY ADEPT AT WRITING MEANINGLESS SENTENCES. WAIT, SORRY, THAT’S MY FORTUNE

• THIS FORTUNE HAS TIMED OUT

• INVEST IN SOME BETTER LAWN CARE PRODUCTS

• THAT HAT DOESN’T LOOK AT ALL WEIRD ON YOU

• WHAT THE DEUCE ARE YOU STARING AT? THIS IS SETH MACFARLANE, SPEAKING FOR AUDIO FORTUNE COOKIES

• YOU HAVE A LARGE NUMBER OF FRIENDS. IF YOU COUNT THEIR INDIVIDUAL MOLECULES, THAT IS

• A BABE-FILLED LIFE AWAITS YOU

• PREPARE FOR THE FUTURE

• FOR MORE ON THIS FORTUNE, VISIT MYSPACE.COM/ZOMGGOOBNETMISFORTUNECOOKIESARESOAWESOME

• ASK THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU OUT. WHAT? YOU’RE ALREADY MARRIED? WHY WASN’T I INVITED?