WEEKLY WHINE

Correcting your mistakes

There is a sports television network in the United States and other countries that is called “ESPN”. Once a year, it gives awards to people and calls these awards “ESPYs”. Of course, most of these awards are wrong. For example, this year, the “best team” was the Boston Celtics, an award that should have been titled the Wayne Huizenga Award for Excellence in Championship Purchasing.

Naturally, we here at GoobNet are always willing to help the world recognise its actual achievers.

Best MLS Player: ESPN gave an award in this category to the LA Galaxy’s Dave Beckham, who was in fact not even the best player on his team last season. The award should have gone to either Luciano Emilio, Juan Pablo Ángel, Guillermo Barros Schelotto, Maurice Edu, or Brad Guzan.

Best Baseball Player: This award went to the Yankees’ Alex Rodriguez in real life, another disastrously incorrect decision. [Hint: A player who is the best in his league does not permit his team to reach the playoffs as a wild card and then lose in the first round.] Jimmy Rollins was the best selection here, though CC Sabathia would also have been acceptable.

Best Upset: This award went to the New York Giants, who won the Super Bowl. But the best upset over the past year was, obviously, Iraq defeating Saudi Arabia in the final of the 2007 Asian Cup.

Best Championship Performance: This award was given to Tiger Woods, who won the US Open golf tournament this year. But in fact, the year’s best championship performance was by Sweden’s Carolina Klüft, who won the heptathlon at the 2007 World Championships in Athletics, her third consecutive such title.

In addition to these mistakes, there are several other categories in which ESPN erred by failing to give awards.

Best Renegement: Should have gone to Brett Favre, retired NFL player, for reportedly wanting the Green Bay Packers to relinquish his rights.

Uniforms of the Year: Spain’s away gold, worn at Euro 2008. Spain historically wore white as their away kits, but a sudden change to gold ended up working.

Best Jinx Breaking: Should have gone to Spain, at Euro 2008. Spain had lost matches on penalties three times on the date of 22 JUN, had not defeated Italy in a competitive match in nearly ninety years, and, what was worse, were wearing the gold uniforms. To the many Spaniards to whom yellow is unlucky, that may have been the worst omen of all. Nonetheless, Spain defeated Italy in their quarterfinal, on penalties, and went on to win the tournament.