WEEKLY WHINE

Mahorn: The peacemaker

There was a fight in last week’s game between the Los Angeles Sparks and the Detroit Shock, which is surprising considering the teams’ names. Sparks and Shock should be expected to coexist in harmony, just as they do in automobiles everywhere.

But, of course, whenever there is violence in women’s sports, the reaction from society at large is: “Dude, did you see all the basketball chicks in that fight?”

Society at large has enough difficulty separating events from their larger meaning, but in the society of sport, such as it is, the exploration of larger meanings is usually left to Bob Ley, if anyone at all. The larger meaning here is that women’s sports have never been significantly different from men’s sports. Just as the Pistons and Pacers have always hated each other, so have the Shock and Sparks. In such an environment, dustups are likely to occur eventually.

So, with that in mind, let’s examine the reactions of the general populace. We’ll do that by blowing a great big hole in the GoobNet Mailbox. You may wonder if that will actually end up destroying some of the very same letters that we would have wanted to read. The answer is: That’s the idea, innit?

Was it really fair to suspend Rick Mahorn for two games? He was trying to bring peace, after all.

– Julie Filbert
Santa Fe, NM, USA

Yes, it was fair. Mahorn, Shock assistant coach, is a peacemaker according to his boss, Bill Laimbeer. But a review of the fight video shows that Mahorn’s push of Lisa Leslie was much more aggressive than would a peacemaker’s push.

Why is it that fights between female professional wrestlers are hot, but fights between female professional basketball players aren’t?

– Garth Petwic
Reefgate, TN, USA

First, hotness is a criterion when signing female professional wrestlers, but not when signing female professional basketballers. Second, fights between female professional wrestlers are choreographed to be hot.

Hey! I busted an ACL here! I’m gonna miss the rest of the season! Doesn’t anybody care?

– Cheryl Ford
Detroit, MI, USA

If you weren’t in the fight, then no, we don’t care.

I saw that WNBA fight, but what I thought was really strange was the Sparks players have their names below their numbers, not above.

– Randy Parmorver
Springfield, IL, USA

In fact, for the last several years, all WNBA uniforms have had the players’ name underneath the number.

I am sick of all the male sports commentators making stupid-ass jokes about the WNBA fight. Women have just as much competitive drive as men. If you deem it progress when a female player dunks, you should also deem it progress when a female player throws a punch at an opponent.

– Laurie Mallibeau
Flintridge, CA, USA

Oh, we’re totally going over to Edvard for the joke.

Of course I deem female players throwing punches progress. I also deem it progress when female players argue with the referees, when female players throw their jerseys into the crowd, and when female players admit that they’re having relationships with each other. – Edvard

I was shocked to discover that nobody threw a beer. Seriously, Detroit, we’re losing our competitive edge here! Let’s start intimidating those opposing players again!

– John Green
West Bloomfield Township, MI, USA

Let’s all say it together: Deeee-troit viii-o-lence!

It’s too bad basketball games aren’t played in mud. That would have made Youtube explode.

– Sergei Cavezevic
Clear Staits, NJ, USA

GoobNet is pleased to announce its new partnership with Vince McMahon. The WMBA, the Women’s Mud Basketball Association, will begin play in FEB 2009.

I love watching women throw each other to the floor.

– David Hamilton
Sun City, AZ, USA

Shut up.