WEEKLY WHINE

Examining the issues

You know, all this talk about change is just putting blush on a hamster.

What’s that, Republican Party? You think that was an attack on Sarah Palin? That’s almost as stupid as your refusal to recognise that the free market, which you love so much, is exactly what got us into our current economic crisis.

The Caribbean is being hammered by hurricanes, the Caucasus is being hammered by weaponry, and the global economy is being hammered by the disastrous fuckups of the supposedly brilliant lenders who made hundreds of billions of dollars off ordinary people in the last decade – and then got off scot free and left the rest of us with the massive debts that they rang up. So maybe they were brilliant after all.

And with all that going on, politicians are having a heated debate over a cliché that thousands of Americans say on a daily basis.

That can only mean one thing: An election is coming up!

Would you like to know the candidates’ stands on the issues? Too bad! They’re spending all their time lobbing absurd accusations at one another! The general public is going to have to wait!

But keep in mind that the fundamentals of democracy are strong, largely thanks to us here at GoobNet. We will now provide answers to your questions about the platforms of Sen McCain, Gov Palin, Sen Obama, and Sen Biden. Stand behind the yellow line and don’t make any sudden movements as we open the GoobNet Mailbox.

I’m strongly in favour of improving conditions at animal shelters. Which candidate will do more to help our population of at risk animals?

– Karen Grant
Tuscaloosa, AL, USA

According to Project Vote Smart, here are the 2007 ratings by the Humane Society of the United States for the Republican and Democratic presidential and vice presidential candidates:

• Sen McCain: 25%
• Gov Palin: N/A
• Sen Obama: 75%
• Sen Biden: 75%

I love nuclear power and I think that we should all have mini-reactors in our homes and cars. What are the candidates’ stands on nuclear power?

– Jack Namakanone
Hilo, HI, USA

Here are the two leading presidential candidates’ stands on nuclear power, according to the Council on Foreign Relations:

• Sen McCain: “McCain is a strong proponent of nuclear energy, and pledged in a November 2007 Foreign Affairs article to ‘greatly increase the use of nuclear power’.”
• Sen Obama: “At a debate in January 2008, Obama said he would support more nuclear power if it could be made cost-efficient and safe, and the waste stored effectively.”

Like many people, I am in favour of the environment. I think that we should be able to breathe our air, drink our water, and eat our food, all the while ensuring that other life forms on Earth can also do the same things. I think that the next president should be as environmentally conscious as I am. Who is the most environmental candidate, other than whoever the Green Party nominated?

– Cynthia Ann McKinney
Atlanta, GA, USA

According to Project Vote Smart, here are the ratings for the Republican and Democratic presidential and vice presidential candidates by the following environmental organisations:

• LEAGUE OF CONSERVATION VOTERS, 2007
  • Sen McCain: 0%
  • Gov Palin: N/A
  • Sen Obama: 67%
  • Sen Biden: 67%
• AMERICAN WILDERNESS COALITION, 2005-6
  • Sen McCain: 16%
  • Gov Palin: N/A
  • Sen Obama: 100%
  • Sen Biden: 100%
• DEFENDERS OF WILDLIFE ACTION FUND, 2005-6
  • Sen McCain: 40%
  • Gov Palin: N/A
  • Sen Obama: 82%
  • Sen Biden: 91%

By the way, the Green Party’s nominee is you. Congratulations.

Like most people, I know that humans don’t cause climate change and that Earth is getting warmer just because it wants to. Any efforts to make Earth do something other than what it wants to do are bound to be met with failure, just like when you try to tell a teenager to clean his room. Which candidates agree with me, and which ones are just repeating Al Gore’s lies?

– Frances Altamore
Jeffs Hole, TN, USA

Here are the two leading presidential and vice presidential candidates’ stands on global warming, according to the Council on Foreign Relations:

• Sen McCain: “Sen McCain has been one of the most outspoken members of Congress on the issue of climate change. With Sen Joe Lieberman (ID-CT), McCain introduced the Climate Stewardship Act in 2003, which failed.... In 2007 he reintroduced the act, with bipartisan cosponsorship.”
• Gov Palin: “Palin has said she is not sure human behavior causes climate change, but said in a September 2008 interview with ABC News that human activity ‘certainly can be contributing to the issue’ and that ‘we have to make sure that we’re doing all we can to cut down on pollution’.”
• Sen Obama: “Obama views climate change as an ‘epochal, man-made threat to the planet’ and vows to lead an international coalition to reduce greenhouse gas emissions.”
• Sen Biden: “In February 2007, after the release of the IPCC report, Biden urged fellow lawmakers and President Bush to take action, saying, ‘We have wasted the past six years on the sidelines of international negotiations, and our leadership is needed to produce a global solution’.”

Which candidates are in favour of banning Fox News?

– Steve Straczynski
Newport, RI, USA

We asked each of the four candidates listed above, and believe it or not, not one responded.

Which candidates want to talk to me?

– Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Tehran, Iran

Here are the two leading presidential and vice presidential candidates’ stands on negotiating with Iran, according to the Council on Foreign Relations:

• Sen McCain: “McCain says the US president should not negotiate directly with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.”
• Gov Palin: “In a September 2008 interview with ABC News, Palin said she thinks the United States and its allies should put ‘diplomatic pressure’ on Iran to ensure that Iran does not obtain nuclear weapons.”
• Sen Obama: “Obama has repeatedly said he would engage Iran in ‘tough, direct presidential diplomacy with Iran without preconditions’. In a February 2008 Democratic debate, Obama said it is ‘important for the United States not just to talk to its friends but also to talk to its enemies’, including Iran.”
• Sen Biden: “As chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, Sen Biden has been a prominent voice calling for ‘hard-headed diplomacy’ with Iran.”

As a poor person, I blame all rich people for fucking up our society and fucking over poor people like me. Which candidates are in favour of poor people and which are in favour of rich people?

– DeShauntae Cooper
Sacramento, CA, USA

According to Project Vote Smart, here are the ratings for the Republican and Democratic presidential and vice presidential candidates by the following social organisations:

• NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF SOCIAL WORKERS, 2006
  • Sen McCain: 60%
  • Gov Palin: N/A
  • Sen Obama: 100%
  • Sen Biden: 100%
• RESULTS, 2005-6
  • Sen McCain: 23%
  • Gov Palin: N/A
  • Sen Obama: 100%
  • Sen Biden: 100%
• PARTNERSHIP FOR THE HOMELESS, 2003-4
  • Sen McCain: 100%
  • Gov Palin: N/A
  • Sen Obama: N/A
  • Sen Biden: 100%

This was just a thoughtful review of the candidates’ stands on various issues? What a ripoff! I wanted more funny stuff!

– Bill Adams
Norwich, England, UK

Shut up.