97% effective and 100% fun

Deb: Hey everyone! Hi! Welcome to another GoobNet presentation of Whose Line Is It Anyway. Participating tonight: She’s got ants in her pants, Wen Jialuen!

Wen: [salutes]

Deb: He’s got crickets up his nose, Reg Goober!

Reg: [nods]

Deb: She’s got an ass full of roaches, Amber Lynn!

Amber Lynn: Eeeeew!

Deb: And, he’s got termites in his peg leg, Edvard van de Kamp!

Edvard: Hi.

Deb: Hey, good to have everyone. Welcome, Wen.

Wen: Thanks.

Deb: This is Wen’s first time doing this. Thanks for joining us, Wen. You guys have any advice for her?

Amber Lynn: Besides “don’t let the roaches into your ass”, you mean?

Deb: Yeah.

Amber Lynn: Then no.

Deb: Okay. You guys know what we do. These folks will make up everything you see here tonight, based on suggestions on these cards, which they’ve never seen before, or from the audience. I give them points, for no apparent reason. Then at the end, I pick a winner to do something special with me, and the losers all have to get naked for the audience.

Audience: [great cheers and applause]

Deb: Wow. Now we know what kind of audience we have tonight.

Reg: Where all the kinky people at?

Deb: Right here, looks like. We’ll get started with a game called Hollywood Director. It’s for everybody. Wen, Reg, and Amber Lynn will do a scene, and Edvard is going to be the big shot Hollywood director who comes in and gives them different notes on how to do the scene. Edvard, there are your notes. [hands envelope to Edvard] Before we started, we had the audience write down suggestions for him to do, and we put some of them in there for him. He’s never seen them before. And for the rest of you, here’s your scene. Wen and Amber Lynn are teenage twin sisters who are vying for popular quarterback Reg’s attention when they suddenly turn into werewolves. So start the scene when you’re ready, and Edvard will come in with the notes.

Wen: Hi Chad.

Amber Lynn: [perky] Hi Chad!

Wen: [sultry] Hi Chad.

Amber Lynn: [perky and sultry] Hi Chad!

Reg: Hi Emma. Hi... um... Spemma.

Wen: Did you forget my name, Chad?

Amber Lynn: Of course he did. He likes me, not you. Isn’t that right, Chaddykins?

Reg: Um... you’re both great.

Wen: But I’m more great. Right, Chaddy-waddy-waddy?

Amber Lynn: In your dreams, bitch. Come on Chad. Want to go to the mall?

Wen: You don’t want to go to the mall with her. You want to go to a movie, with me. Don’t you? We can sit in the back, where nobody will see us, and –

Amber Lynn: And get syphilis from that skank. Chad, come on. Let’s go to the parking lot right now. Don’t you want to see what’s under this cheerleader skirt?

Wen: Don’t you want to feel my boobs?

Amber Lynn: Don’t you want to eat me out?

Wen: Don’t you want to titty fuck me?

Amber Lynn: Don’t you want to do it in a wolf vagina?

Reg: Now that you mention it, that sounds... wait, what?

Wen: Oh my god, what did you say?

Amber Lynn: Nothing, I just... Spemma, your ears!

Wen: What about my... Emma, your teeth!

Amber Lynn: My teef feew fine. Oh my god, Fpemma, your taiw!

Wen: My what? Rrrooooowr! Um, excuse me. [coughs]

Amber Lynn: Fomefing’s happening to uf!

Reg: Can I go home now?

Wen and Amber Lynn: [holding hands up like claws] Rrrrooooooooooowr!

Edvard: Cut! Cut, cut, cut!

Amber Lynn: [whiny] How was that? Was I vicious enough?

Edvard: How shall I put this? There’s an elevator over there. It might take you up to “terrible”.

Reg: What about me?

Edvard: What about you? I thought you were nominated for a Boxcar.

Reg: Not the Boxcars. The Finnish Boxcars.

Edvard: Good lord. Okay, let’s do it right this time! This time... [pulls note from pocket] yes! Do it like you’re all wasted!

Amber Lynn: [whiny] Already there.

Edvard: I know you are. You two, [points to Reg, Wen] you should be able to get a contact high, at least. Action!

Wen: Dude, Chad, you and I should totally go get some popcorn.

Amber Lynn: Nuh-uh! Chad, we should go for some, like, brownies or something.

Reg: [holds hands up] Wait! I got it! [pause] Popcorn... with brownie frosting!

Wen: Dude, there’s no such thing. But if there was, it should be called... Popcorn with Brownie Frosting!

Amber Lynn: You are so fucked up right now.

Wen: [pleased] Thanks. [stares at Amber Lynn] That means a lot coming from someone with fangs.

Amber Lynn: I know. And you’ve got that awesome wolf tail. I wish I had a wolf tail.

Reg: You do. You totally do.

Amber Lynn: [looks over shoulder] Oh my god, you’re right! I wished it, and it happened! I should, like, wish for some Krispy Kreme, or something.

Edvard: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut! What the hell was that? I said act like you’re high, not act like Tara Reid!

Amber Lynn: [whiny] Hey, Tara Reid is my hero!

Edvard: Yeah, I can tell. Okay. [pulls note from pocket] Do it... [starts to laugh] do it like you’re all hooked up to time bombs that only count down while you’re not talking.

Reg: Wait, time bombs that –

Edvard: Time bombs that only count down while you’re not talking. They count down while you’re not talking, and they don’t count down while you are talking. Okay?

Wen: What if we’re shouting?

Edvard: That counts as talking.

Wen: Whispering?

Edvard: Doesn’t count.

Wen: Okay.

Amber Lynn: [whiny] Wait, it doesn’t count as talking, or it doesn’t count down, so it does count as talking?

Edvard: Shut up! Action!

Reg: [nervous] Hi ladies! Gosh, it’s sure nice to see you! I think you both look great! Emma, that brooch really suits you! And Spemma, that’s a wonderful fragrance you’re wearing! It reminds me of how much I like not blowing up! Ha ha ha!

Wen: [simultaneously with Amber Lynn] Hi Chad! I love that haircut! Are you doing something different with your letterman’s jacket? I totally love it! It brings out that thing in your eye! You know, the twinkle, or whatever it’s called! Is that what it’s called? Is Emma turning into a werewolf? It certainly looks like she is, with the fangs and tail and everything! Wow, that really makes you look different!

Amber Lynn: [simultaneously with Wen] Hi Chad! See these new shoes? I like shoes! Do you like shoes? I bet you do! Spemma and I go shoes shopping all the time! Want to come sometime?You totally should! Oh my god! We’re totally turning into werewolves! I hope my blouse won’t get ruined! That’s totally the worst thing about being a werewolf, having to replace my clothes all the time! I really hate it a lot!

Reg: [simultaneously with Wen, Amber Lynn] Wow, you two are really turning into werewolves! Those ears look great, Spemma! You should do that all the time! I mean, sure, you might devour a few of our classmates, but if you get a teacher or two as well, I’m sure nobody will mind! You should –

Edvard: Cut! Cut, cut, cut! Okay, that wasn’t that great an idea.

Reg: Yeah, I don’t think –

Edvard: Oh, you don’t think! Well, that’s a surprise! Do you know what you’d be if you thought?

Reg: Umm... no.

Edvard: A failure, that’s what! Okay! Let’s try harder! This time... [pulls notes from pocket] this time, [points to Reg] you do it like you’re underwater, [points to Wen] you do it like you’re a Miss America contestant, and [points to Amber Lynn] you do it like Balki from Perfect Strangers! Also, you’re all high again! Action!

Wen: Dude, Chad, you and I should go help the starving children in Africa!

Reg: Blloh my gwwwod, we twoblootally shhhbloud!

Amber Lynn: Hi. I’m Balki from Perfect Strangers.

Wen and Reg: [stare at Amber Lynn]

Amber Lynn: [helpless shrug] Which I’ve never seen.

Reg: [laughs]

Wen: If you were Balki from Perfect Strangers, [imitation Greek accent] you would totally be talking in this kind of accent.

Amber Lynn: Oh. You mean, [similar accent] this kind of accent?

Wen: Oh my god! If I close my eyes, you’re Balki! And for my talent, I’m going to... climb that spotlight!

Edvard: Cut, cut, cut, cut!

[Buzzer]

Deb: Wow. Way to go, Amber Lynn.

Amber Lynn: Fucking A.

Deb: Yeah. No, it’s just... somewhere, Bronson Pinchot is crying.

Reg: That would be the guy who played Balki.

Amber Lynn: Yeah, I gathered that.

Deb: You know what? To help ease your pain, a thousand points to Bronson Pinchot.

Amber Lynn: How will that ease my pain?

Deb: Not your pain. Okay, let’s go on and play Film and Theatre Styles. This is for Reg, Wen, and Edvard. First I need some suggestions for different types of movies, theatre, TV shows, all that.

Audience: Opera! Big Brother! Animal Planet! Transformers!

Deb: Okay, Big Brother, Animal Planet, Transformers.

Audience: Shakespeare! SportsCenter! Hannah Montana! Game show! Top Chef!

Deb: Shakespeare, SportsCenter? What the hell, we haven’t done it yet. What else?

Audience: Top Chef! Travel show! Game show! Hannah Montana!

Deb: Okay, Top Chef, travel, game show. Did – oh, come on. All right, fine. Hannah fucking Montana. Hannah Montana and all that other Disney Channel bullshit. Okay, that’s plenty. We’ll start normally, and then I’ll buzz in with different styles for you to do. And the scene is, Hannah Montana has a gangbang with all her classmates. Wait, sorry. That’s not the scene.

Audience: [“ooh”s, general shock]

Deb: Oh, what? Like she’s so pure. You know she’s the biggest whore in the high school. And she does all her guy groupies too. Anyway, scene is, Lewis, played by Reg, and Clark, played by Edvard, are lost in the Midwest when they encounter Sacagawea, played by Wen. So start the scene when you’re ready, and then I’ll give you different styles.

Reg: Hey, are we lost?

Edvard: Yeah, I think so.

Reg: That sucks.

Edvard: It sure does, Clark.

Reg: I thought you were Clark.

Edvard: Really? I thought I was Lewis.

Reg: Wow, we really are lost.

Wen: Hi. Are you lost?

Reg: Hold on. We have to figure out who we are first.

Wen: Wow, your skin is so light! I’ve never seen anyone like you two.

Reg: Oh, right. Because I’m Lewis, or possibly Clark, and either way, I’m white. White like... um... white chocolate.

[Buzzer]

Deb: Top Chef.

Wen: Which is exactly what this Quickfire Challenge is all about. Whoever makes the best white chocolate will earn my help in getting to the Pacific.

Edvard: [mimes chopping] Okay, get me a saucepan! Where’s the saucepan!

Reg: As soon as she said white chocolate, I was like, Uh oh. Because if I don’t even know what my name is, how am I going to know what goes into white chocolate?

[Buzzer]

Deb: Animal Planet.

Wen: [imitation English accent] A fully developed pale-faced human can travel well over a thousand kilometres away from its nest. These two pale-faced humans have organised a gaggle to make the journey together. A grouping of pale-faced humans like these is called a pod.

Reg: [crouches next to Edvard] This pale-faced human is native to the Netherlands, but it has made the long journey over here. And the amazing thing is, its travels still aren’t over. In the next several weeks, we’re going to follow these pale-faced humans as they try to travel across the continent, despite their total lack of magnetic navigation abilities similar to those found in pigeons.

[Buzzer]

Deb: SportsCenter.

Reg: And at seven in our Top Ten is this wagon crash at the Columbia River Speedway. That has got to hurt.

Edvard: Boo yah!

Wen: Just ahead, we hear from the Indians, the Illini, the Seminoles, the Braves, and the Redskins.

[Buzzer]

Deb: Game show.

Edvard: “Things that can kill ignorant white settlers” for $400, please, Alex.

Wen: Answer: This fungus looks like a mushroom but is poisonous.

Edvard and Reg: [mime pressing signalling devices]

Wen: Lewis.

Edvard and Reg: [look at one another confusedly]

[Buzzer]

Deb: Big Brother.

Edvard: Sacagawea, you’re in shape, right?

Wen: Yeah, why?

Edvard: I bet everyone out there would like to see you touch your toes.

Wen: Okay, but I need some help. Lewis, stand behind me.

Edvard: Who’s Lewis again?

Wen: [points to Reg] You.

Reg: Okay. [stands behind Wen]

Wen: Now put your arms around my waist.

Reg: Okay. [puts arms around Wen’s waist]

Wen: Okay, now keep holding on to my waist. [bends over, touches toes]

[Buzzer]

Reg and Wen: [frozen in position, trying to stifle laughter]

Deb: Hannah Montana.

Edvard: You’re right, Hannah! That is a great dance move! What are you gonna call it?

Wen: I call it “Surprising the Quarterback in the Boys Locker Room”.

[Multiple buzzers]

Deb: Wow.

Amber Lynn: God damn.

Deb: Yeah.

Amber Lynn: Tonight on Disney Channel After Dark...

Deb: One thousand points to all of you. And we really can’t go on without reminding all of you young people out there to use a condom.

Wen: Hannah Montana brand condoms. Make sure you keep one in your Hannah Montana brand backpack.

Deb: Wow. Okay, we’re gonna go on now to a game that seems quite tame in comparison, If You Know What I Mean. Reg, Amber Lynn, and Edvard, this is for you. They’ll do a scene, but as they go, they have to use as many different euphemisms, and clichés, and stuff, as they can. The scene is: Cyclists training for the Tour de France. Reg and Amber Lynn, you’ll start off, and then Edvard, you come in later. So Reg and Amber Lynn, start the scene when you’re ready.

Reg and Amber Lynn: [miming cycling]

Reg: Wow, I’m feeling the burn, if you know what I mean.

Amber Lynn: My ass is chafing, if you know what I mean.

Reg: I can totally tell, if you know what I mean.

Amber Lynn: What?

Reg: I don’t know.

Edvard: Phew! My bike is fully oiled and greased, if you know what I mean.

Amber Lynn: Are you in tip top shape, if you know what I mean?

Edvard: Well, I’m wearing a yellow jersey, if you know what I mean.

Reg: Are your pedals in working order, if you know what I mean?

Amber Lynn: Actually, I feel like I’ve been having trouble in the mountain stages, if you know what I mean.

Edvard: Huh. Are your tires fully inflated, if you know what I mean?

Amber Lynn: I’m not sure how to check, if you know what I mean.

Reg: You can always borrow my gauge, if you know what I mean.

Amber Lynn: Yeah, I know what you mean.

Edvard: Well, I have to go pee into a cup, if you know what I mean.

[Buzzer]

Deb: I think every conversation should end with that line. “I have to go pee into a cup, if you know what I mean.” A thousand points for everyone. Let’s go on and play Changed Letter. It’s for Reg, Wen, and Amber Lynn. You’ll do a scene, but you can’t say the letter M. You have to say J instead. J instead of M, and the scene is: Three music store employees go on break. Have to say J instead of M, so start the scene when you’re ready.

Wen: Hey, Jahjoud.

Reg: Hi, Jaggie.

Wen: So, you’re an ijjigrant from Ojan?

Reg: Yeah. I ejigrated to Ajerica from Ojan.

Amber Lynn: That is so awesoje, Jahjoud.

Reg: I was born in Juscat, Ojan.

Amber Lynn: Cool.

Reg: So what kind of mus – jusic do you like, Jejja?

Amber Lynn: Well, jy favourite song is “Janic Jonday”.

Wen: Oh, je too!

Amber Lynn: Yeah. I just sing along whenever it’s on the radio.

Wen: On the FJ dial?

Amber Lynn: Yeah. No jatter where it is on the FJ dial, I simpl – sijply just sing along.

Wen: How about you, Jahjoud? Whoj do you like?

Reg: Jadonna. Especially “Jaterial Girl”.

Wen: Oh, she’s good too. What about Van Halen? You know, “Jujp”?

Reg: Yes, “Jujp”! [imitating guitar] Doot doot doot doo-doo-doot doo-doo-doo-doo! Jight as well jujp!

All: Jujp!

[Buzzer]

Deb: Amber Lynn, what was your character’s name again?

Amber Lynn: I don’t know.

Reg: You were Jejja.

Deb: “Memma”?

Reg: It was supposed to be “Jemma”.

Deb: Oh. You picked a name with a J and an M. That’s kind of clever. I’ll give you a thousand points for that.

Reg: Thanks.

Deb: So we’ll go on now, and we’ll play... Scenes from a Hat!

Edvard: Woo!

Deb: This one’s for everybody. Before we started, we had the audience write down scenes they wanted us to act out, and we took the good ones and put them in this hat here. [holds up inverted bowler hat] We’ll start with... [draws paper] “Pricing games that never made it on The Price Is Right”.

Edvard: You’re going to play One Right Anteater. Guess the anteater that has the right price, and –

[Buzzer]

Amber Lynn: Welcome to Satan’s Supermarket. All you have to do is spend exactly $666 on –

[Buzzer]

Deb: Oh, wow. “Exhibits in the George W Bush Presidential Library”.

Amber Lynn: This exhibit tests your knowledge of President Bush’s nicknames for world leaders. Here’s Vicente Fox. His nickname was... [mimes lifting display] that’s right, “Sombrero Dude”.

[Buzzer]

Edvard: Welcome to the Heckuva Job Market. Here are all of the President’s friends that he nominated to government positions, regardless of their qualifications or competence. From Michael Brown to Harriet Miers, from Henry Paulson to Alberto Gonzalez, from –

[Buzzer]

Amber Lynn: Here you can learn to speak like George W Bush! What question would you ask to find out if our children are learning? No, that’s not right. It’s “Is our children learning?”.

[Buzzer]

Reg: On this shelf, you can find all the books that President Bush read during his time in office. We’ve got the Bible, Hop on Pop, Why Global Warming is No Big Deal by the CEO of ExxonMobil – actually, the President didn’t finish that one –

[Buzzer]

Wen: This wall shows some of the Great Moments in the Cheney Vice Presidency, including telling a senator to fuck off, shooting his attorney in the face, diverting billions of dollars in government contracts to Halliburton, ... um... and many more. Which I can’t think of right now, so I can’t imagine why she still hasn’t hit the buzzer yet –

[Buzzer]

Deb: I was waiting for “Promising that the Iraqis would welcome us with open arms”.

Wen: Dammit! I knew I was missing a big one!

Deb: No? No more? Okay... “You know you’re up late when you see an infomercial for...”, dot dot dot.

Wen: How much would you pay for ten kilos of pickled slugs? $39.95? Don’t be ridiculous! $29.95? No! $19.95? You’re still off! We’re practically giving these pickled slugs away at only $14.95! They’re nutritious, delicious, and they make great Christmas gifts!

[Buzzer]

Reg: Hi, I’m Bronson Pinchot. Who can forget such classic moments as these? [mimes flipping through checkbook] I have... checks! [opens and closes Edvard’s mouth] My name is Larry Appleton. [does dance] We do the Dance of Joy! [points to camera] Now these and many others can be yours, with the complete Perfect Strangers on DVD!

[Buzzer]

Deb: That was, what, twenty years ago? I can’t believe you remember that shit. “Why the rest of the world doesn’t play American football”.

Reg: [imitation English accent] Oi! Why do those bloody wankers wear all those ’elmets and pads? Real men play rugby, without pads! Why, I still remember that hit I took back in 1993 against Eton... or was it 1995 against Sandhurst?

[Buzzer]

Edvard: Sorry, we cannot paint all those lines every five yards on our football pitches. We do not even know how far is five yards.

[Buzzer]

Deb: “What women are thinking while men are watching sports”.

Wen: Ooh, the Packers have nice uniforms. I wonder if I can get shoes that colour. They would go with my... wait, would they go with anything I have? No, I’d have to get a new top to go with them. Then I’d need a new belt, a new –

[Buzzer]

Deb: Kind of a theme here. “How to undo the damage of the Bush administration”.

Amber Lynn: Hi Africa! Hannah Montana here. Record rates of HIV transmission getting you down? Just try Hannah Montana brand condoms! 97% effective, and 100% fun!

[Multiple buzzers]

Deb: “97% effective and 100% fun”.

Amber Lynn: They come in eight designer colours!

Wen: Hannah says, “If you do gangbang, gangbang safe!”

Deb: Wow. We are so gonna get sued. Our winners tonight are Wen and Amber Lynn! The ladies win, so [stands from desk] the three of us are going to do a game called Ninety Second Alphabet. We’re going to do a scene, and each line has to start with the next letter of the alphabet. Starting with which letter?

Audience: F! G! Q! K!

Deb: I heard F. Let’s start with F, and when we get back round to F, that ends the scene. What’s our scene, Reg?

Reg: [opens envelope] The three of you are trying to escape from a postapocalyptic Los Angeles.

Deb: Really? Okay. Escaping from a postapocalyptic Los Angeles, starting with F. And Reg is going to time us, make sure we do it in ninety seconds.

Wen: [running to centre stage] Fire! Fire over there!

Amber Lynn: Goddamn, you’re right!

Deb: Hell has truly come to Los Angeles.

Amber Lynn: I noticed that too.

Wen: Just calm down! There’s got to be a way out of this city.

Deb: Knowing is half the battle.

Amber Lynn: Like there’s any way to get out of the city!

Deb: Maybe there is.

Amber Lynn: No, there isn’t!

Wen: [shakes Amber Lynn’s shoulders] Olivia, don’t lose hope yet!

Amber Lynn: Patricia, you’re right. Maybe there is something we can do.

Deb: Quick escape from this city, that’s what we need!

Wen: Running?

Deb: Stupid idea. It’s too far to run.

Amber Lynn: Too far, yes.

Wen: Unfortunately, you’re right.

Deb: Very unfortunate.

Amber Lynn: What should we do, then?

Wen: X is the shape made by the intersection of two freeways.

Amber Lynn: Yes, it is. What’s your point?

Deb: [triumphant] Zoo!

Wen and Amber Lynn: [stare at Deb]

Deb: [explanatory] At the Griffith Park Zoo, some animals are likely to have survived. Perhaps they can help us.

Reg: Thirty seconds!

Amber Lynn: But which animals? It will have to be an animal that we can ride.

Wen: Chimps? No.

Amber Lynn: Dolphins?

Wen: [excited] Elephants!

Amber Lynn: Fast, that’s the speed at which we should go to the Griffith Park Zoo!

[Buzzer]

Deb: Hey, good job girls. [returns to desk] Now it’s time for you to read the credits, Reg. And I’m gonna have you read the credits as Bronson Pinchot selling the Perfect Strangers DVD set. Good night everyone! Thanks for joining us!

Reg: Here are just some of the things people are saying about Perfect Strangers. Deb Harratsch says, “It brought back so many things I was trying to forget!” Reg Goober says, “I can’t believe that one episode with that one thing was on there!” Remember folks, all this can be yours for just the low price of $74.99! Operators are standing by to tell you that no association with any actual individuals, organisations, or products are intended or implied and that any views expressed herein are those of the participants and not necessarily those of GoobNet Enterprises, Inc [which doesn’t actually exist however]! Order now!