WEEKLY WHINE

Carbon neutrality today

Did you know that Earth’s climate is in trouble?

If not, just visit the Maldives and wait for them to go away.

Yes, the devastating effects of climate change will first strike low lying islands and cities. Although many people will be pleased to see Manhattan submerged [that may be the only way to make rents reasonable], in fact this would be very bad news for Earth. To find out what you can do to help, enter the equalisation chamber and take part in the GoobNet Mailbox, assuming that the equalisation chamber did not explode. If it did explode, simply try again with a different pair of socks. This, of course, assumes that you are still alive.

I am the president of a low lying nation that would be completely submerged if sea levels rose only two metres. I want to take a drastic step to bring our plight to the attention of other nations [since most of the carbon dioxide in the atmosphere is, after all, their fault]. What should I do?

– Mohamed Nasheed
Male, Maldives

You should have your entire nation switch to renewable energy sources and become carbon neutral within ten years.

Wow! That’s a great idea! I’ll announce just such a plan after screening The Age of Stupid this weekend! Thanks, GoobNet!

– Mohamed Nasheed
Male, Maldives

You’re welcome. Just do us a solid and call your plan the Maldives Operationally Useful System for Emissions of Carbon Reducing Yearly.

I am the president of a commission of nations on a medium sized continent that is taking the lead in fighting climate change. Late last year, our commission passed a package that would cut energy consumption by 20%, cut carbon dioxide emissions by 20%, and obtain at least 20% of all energy from renewable sources. All this would be done by 2020. But opponents have claimed that the derogation provisions will be abused and will lower the effectiveness of our plan. How can we show everyone that these derogations are a necessary cost of this progressive move and that they will be given fairly?

– José Manuel Barroso
Brussels, Belgium

You can do so by announcing a cap on derogations and allowing industries to buy and sell these derogations.

Wow! That’s a great idea! I’ll announce just such a plan after I join a large contingent of ministers and MPs taking chartered flights to this week’s UEFA Cup match between Braga and Paris Saint-Germain! Thanks, GoobNet!

– José Manuel Barroso
Brussels, Belgium

You’re welcome. Just do us a solid and call your plan the European Natural Zoological Yearning to Make Emissions Slip.

I am the prime minister of a large nation that is more environmentally responsible than most others [especially the United States and China]. Late last year I announced a plan to establish a cap and trade system for limiting carbon emissions, with a cut of at least 5% by 2020. But protesters mobilised throughout the nation, saying that our plan was inadequate. How can I show them that our plan really will make a difference in the fight against climate change?

– Kevin Rudd
Canberra, ACT, Australia

How can you show that your plan will make a difference? By amending your plan so that it will make a difference. Here are some ways you can improve your plan:

1. Cut carbon emissions by at least 35% by 2020.
2. Increase grants for research into alternative fuels.
3. Increase grants for installation of solar panels on homes.

Wow! Those are some great ideas! I’ll announce those modifications to our plan after passing them through a long sequence of internal reviews with various members of my cabinet who will inevitably water down all the proposals until they are ineffectual and completely useless! Thanks, GoobNet!

– Kevin Rudd
Canberra, ACT, Australia

You’re welcome. Just do us a solid and call your plan the Australia Scheme for Systematic Carbon Reduction by Extending Automatic Minimisation.

Can I call it something different, like the Australia Carbon Reduction of Emissions System?

– Kevin Rudd
Canberra, ACT, Australia.

No. It must be the Australia Scheme for Systematic Carbon Reduction by Extending Automatic Minimisation.

I am the former vice president of a large nation that recognises the balance between environmental responsibility and economic growth. For eight years, our actions served our nation by implementing environmental policies that ensured our economic leadership. No one can call into question our environmental track record.

– Dick Cheney
Casper, WY, USA

That’s true: you can’t call into question something that doesn’t exist. So, shut up.