WEEKLY WHINE

Prepare for the Hollyhock Revolution

Throughout the recent history of the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network, you have seen us cover many of the important news items happening around the world, all through the use of television to present live satellite programming to you. But although we cover a comprehensive range of topics that affect everyone in the world, there are some stories that we regret we cannot give our customary full attention and insightful coverage to. For example, we had originally planned a full hour feature in prime time discussing the Razzie Awards’ fuckup in which they mistakenly gave Sandra Bullock the original award rather than the spray painted aluminum prize that is traditionally issued, along with interviews of several of the key Razzie personnel, a feature on the making of All About Steve, and finally a spirited debate between two film critics who disagree on whether All About Steve was actually a bad film or if it merely lacked any good qualities.

But we apologise that circumstances prevented us from presenting this feature, and we deny that it had anything to do with our only video camera being dropped in the sink hole used in the filming of All About Steve. Nonetheless, we hope you will learn something from our coverage of these news stories on the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network.

EYJAFJALLAJÖKULL ERUPTS
Millions of stranded travellers forced to subside on overpriced McDonalds, Wetzel’s

CATHOLIC CHURCH ABUSE
Altar boys advised not to light candles until further notice

EARTHQUAKE IN YUSHU
Controversy over broadcasting earthquake news rather than UEFA Champions League

NEW LOW FOR EURO
Further concerns that vertical lines on Dutch €1 coin are annoying

POLISH ELECTION SET
Campaign heats up as importance of Polish expeditionary corps in Italian Campaign debated

KYRGYZ PRESIDENT VISITS BELARUS
Misses debate about which flower represents this revolution

SOUTH PARK V ISLAM
Comedy Central: in touch with viewers’ sensitivities... or giant pussies?

NFL DRAFT
Teams line up to select best available person who was given a token education by a system that enabled him and allowed him to receive favourable treatment but did not allow him to receive any of the vast riches that the school collected thanks to his labours