WEEKLY WHINE

Where time has no place

As you know, Sepp Blatter has apologised to England and to Mexico after they each had incorrect decisions given against them at the 2010 Men’s World Cup. But many other nations that took part at this tournament, and some that didn’t, are also owed apologies. Here now are the apologies that Sepp Blatter will never issue.

IRELAND REP

We would like to take this opportunity to apologise to the people of Ireland Rep who were wronged by the decision to allow Thierry Henry’s goal in the playoff match. But we hope that the Irish can take some comfort in the fact that the entire rest of the world now believes that Henry is a total douchebag.

AUSTRALIA

We apologise to the people of Australia for allowing New Zealand to qualify for this tournament and show even more grit and determination than you. Your team was something of a letdown by comparison.

SLOVAKIA

We would like to offer our apologies to the people of Slovakia for giving you false hope that Robert Vittek could end up one of the top three goalscorers at this tournament. He is currently in a four way tie for second place, but it would be madness to think that Thomas Müller, Wesley Sneijder, and Miroslav Klose will all fail to score again.

UNITED STATES

We would like to apologise to all United States supporters; we regret that we cannot help you determine whether your nation’s performance at this tournament was a success or a failure. You will have to decide for yourselves.

PORTUGAL

We would like to apologise for drawing you into a group with Korea DPR, thereby giving everyone a false sense of your capabilities.

EVERYONE WHO HAD TO GO TO RUSTENBURG

We would like to offer our sincerest apologies to everyone who attended a match in Rustenburg, and especially to those who did not reach the stadium in time.

EVERYONE WHO HAD TO WATCH ITALY

We would like to apologise to everyone who attended or watched a match involving Italy, and we would like to reassure you that in future, Italy will be selecting fewer players who are chronologically challenged.

PARAGUAY

You really believe you deserve an apology? Okay, fine. We’re sorry that Alcaraz wasn’t given a red for denying a clear goalscoring opportunity. We’re sorry that a retake was given on the penalty that was scored against you. We’re sorry that another penalty wasn’t given for Villar’s foul on Cesc Fábregas. Above all, we’re sorry that all these gifts weren’t enough to help you win.