WEEKLY WHINE

Blues, zings, and octopuses

The 2010 Men’s World Cup was a spectacular tournament in all areas except transportation, vuvuzelas, and officiating. We will now prove it.

Note: You may have observed that we have not given any awards to two of the areas mentioned above. We do not believe that vuvuzelas should be encouraged by giving them awards.

OVERALL RANKING
Champion		P	W	D	L	GF	GA	Pts
1	Spain	7	6	0	1	8	2	18
Second		P	W	D	L	GF	GA	Pts
2	Netherlands	7	6	0	1	12	6	18
Third		P	W	D	L	GF	GA	Pts
3	Germany	7	5	0	2	16	5	15
Fourth		P	W	D	L	GF	GA	Pts
4	Uruguay	7	3	2	2	11	8	11
Quarterfinals		P	W	D	L	GF	GA	Pts
5	Argentina	5	4	0	1	10	6	12
6	Brazil	5	3	1	1	9	4	10
7	Ghana	5	2	2	1	5	4	8
8	Paraguay	5	1	3	1	3	2	6
Second round		P	W	D	L	GF	GA	Pts
9	Japan	4	2	1	1	4	2	7
10	Chile	4	2	0	2	3	5	6
11	Portugal	4	1	2	1	7	1	5
12	United States	4	1	2	1	5	5	5
13	England	4	1	2	1	3	5	5
14	Mexico	4	1	1	2	4	5	4
15	Korea Rep	4	1	1	2	6	8	4
16	Slovakia	4	1	1	2	5	7	4
Eliminated in group phase		P	W	D	L	GF	GA	Pts
17	Côte d’Ivoire	3	1	1	1	4	3	4
18	Slovenia	3	1	1	1	3	3	4
19	Switzerland	3	1	1	1	1	1	4
20	South Africa	3	1	1	1	3	5	4
21	Australia	3	1	1	1	3	6	4
22	New Zealand	3	0	3	0	2	2	3
23	Serbia	3	1	0	2	2	3	3
24	Denmark	3	1	0	2	3	6	3
25	Greece	3	1	0	2	2	5	3
26	Italy	3	0	2	1	4	5	2
27	Nigeria	3	0	1	2	3	5	1
28	Algeria	3	0	1	2	0	2	1
29	France	3	0	1	2	1	4	1
30	Honduras	3	0	1	2	0	3	1
31	Cameroon	3	0	0	3	2	5	0
32	Korea DPR	3	0	0	3	1	12	0

GOOBNET FOOTBALL COMMITTEE MEMBERS

• Reginald J Goober, founder and CEO, GoobNet Enterprises Inc [which doesn’t actually exist however]
• Amber Lynn, junior contributor
• Edvard van de Kamp, former dynamite eater
• Wen Jialuen, GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED]

Best Match

United States 01-00 Algeria, WED 23 JUN 2010

Wen says: The US scored in the first half, only to see it incorrectly disallowed [the second time in as many matches that a valid US goal did not stand]. The pitch was tilted heavily toward Rais M’Bolhi’s goal with the constant late attacking by the United States, Algeria seemingly unaware that they needed a two goal win to advance. Finally, a distribution from Tim Howard set up Landon Donovan’s goal off a rebounded M’Bolhi save. From the ensuing celebrations, you would have no idea that this was the nation that was least obsessed by the sport amongst the 32 that participated in the tournament.

Worst Match

Portugal 00-00 Brazil, FRI 25 JUN 2010

Edvard says: Speculation about Mexico and Uruguay signing a draw turned out to be unfounded, but we all should have been looking toward this match instead.

Wen says: You mean, we should have been looking away from it.

Edvard says: Zing!

Silliest Match

Uruguay 01-01 Ghana [F/OT; PK: 04-02], FRI 02 JUL 2010

Edvard says: This one had everything: long range goals by both sides, a chance to win in the last seconds of extra time, a winning goal prevented by Luis Suárez’s handball, a winning goal prevented by Asamoah Gyan’s missed penalty, and saves on two weakly taken penalties that turned Suárez into a pariah.

Jeff Agoos ¡Autogolazo! Award

Daniel AGGER, Denmark

Amber Lynn says: Agger’s own goal was one of only two that took place at this tournament. Both were scored in the north goal at Soccer City in Johannesburg. An ox had been sacrificed at the stadium three weeks before the start of the tournament, an event that European media shockingly failed to blame for cursing the goal.

Best Name

Antolín ALCARAZ, Paraguay

Reg says: Alcaraz scored a goal against Italy but conceded a penalty against Spain, so the tournament was a wash for the guy. But remember, if you want a guy whose name is that of a famous prison, you want Arjen Robben. Honourable mention to Denmark’s Jesper Gronkjær.

Worst Name

Tie: PAK Nam Chol, Korea DPR and PAK Nam Chol, Korea DPR

Amber Lynn says: We were about to give this award to Pak Nam Chol, but then Edvard asked, “Wait, what about Pak Nam Chol?”. I said, “No, Pak Nam Chol’s much worse.” Then Debbie said, “No, no, no. We’ve got to give it to Pak Nam Chol. It would be madness to give it to Pak Nam Chol instead.” Then Reg said, “Which Pak Nam Chol?” Then I said, “I don’t know.” Then Debbie said, “Third base!”

Silliest Name

Gaetan BONG, Cameroon

Reg says: Here at GoobNet, we encourage him to adopt the nickname “Bing Tiddle Tiddle”. Honourable mention to Algeria’s Karim Matmour and the thousands of times someone said, “What? Matt Moore?”, and to Germany’s Hans-Jörg Butt and the thousands of times someone said, “Tee hee! You said ‘Butt’!”.

Best Hair

Siboniso GAXA, South Africa

Wen says: Gaxa’s mohawk is the best hair of this tournament. Honourable mention goes to Benoit Assou-Ekotto and his sort of ponytail thing, and to David James and his cornrows.

Worst Hair

GERVINHO, Côte d’Ivoire

Wen says: Yes, we still noticed your receding hairline. On the whole, though, we congratulate the players in this Men’s World Cup for their hair; there were no nightmares on the order of Ronaldo or Manuel Locó on offer.

Silliest Hair

Rigobert SONG, Cameroon

Wen says: Someone should make one of those motivational posters with a picture of Song: “BLONDE DREADLOCKS. Only at the World Cup.”

Biggest Overreaction

Booing of Luis SUÁREZ, fans, Port Elizabeth, South Africa

Reg says: Admit it. If a Ghanaian player, or especially a South African player, cleared the ball off the line with his hand, you’d be treating him as a hero.

Lapel Pin Award for the Most Irrelevant Story

Paul the Octopus, Germany

Wen says: An octopus has correctly predicted the outcomes of all seven matches played by Germany at this tournament, as well as the final. Good for it. But remember: given the many thousands of animals that are attempting to predict outcomes at this tournament [Blaine the Badger, Roger the Ring Tailed Lemur, Patricia the Paramecium], at least one is bound to have a perfect record.

Best Referee

Olegário BENQUERENÇA, Portugal

Reg says: Being named the best referee at this tournament is a bit like being named the tallest midget, isn’t it? Howard Webb was on course to win this award, but his performance in the final, including a couple of dubious bookings and an inexplicable failure to award a corner to the Netherlands late in overtime, led to his demotion.

Worst Referee

Koman COULIBALY, Mali

Edvard says: ESPN’s Ian Darke described Coulibaly’s performance as a “nightmare”. And that was before incorrectly disallowing Maurice Edu’s goal for the United States against Slovenia. To this day, nobody knows what he was calling or on whom.

Silliest Referee

Carlos BATRÉS, Guatemala

Edvard says: It turned out not to affect the result, but Batrés appeared to have made a mess of this match in only a three minute span. He surprisingly ordered a retake of Xabi Alonso’s penalty, taken only a minute after Óscar Cardozo missed one for Paraguay. Spanish players encroached the penalty area both times, but only on Xabi Alonso’s attempt was the retake ordered. Justo Villar saved the retake and then immediately fouled Cesc Fàbregas, but another penalty was not forthcoming. So, for making different calls in the same situation just one minute apart, we honour Carlos Batrés as the Silliest Referee at this Men’s World Cup.

Sark’s Abolition of Feudalism ‘Well, It’s About Fucking Time’ Award

Consideration of goal line technology, FIFA

Edvard says: We give this award to FIFA for finally admitting that maybe referees make mistakes every now and then, only after four egregious blunders made it obvious to the entire world.

Greatest Catastrofuckup

Robert GREEN, England

Reg says: From this moment forward, this award is to be known as the Robert Green Award for the Greatest Catastrofuckup. Dishonourable mention to Koman Coulibaly.

Best Uniforms

Secondary kit, Germany

Amber Lynn says: Germany’s all black kit with gold trim is nothing short of spectacular; a classy look for a classy side. The only detriment is that Adidas did not design a separate set of black shorts to go with the black jersey, which means that the shorts have white trim instead of gold. Honourable mention goes to the secondary kit for the United States with its white sash, and to the primary kit for Serbia with its white cross.

Worst Uniforms

Secondary kit, Mexico

Amber Lynn says: You think you look as good in black as Germany? Really? Dishonourable mention to Australia’s secondary kits with a pointless second shade of blue.

Silliest Uniforms

Secondary kit, Côte d’Ivoire

Amber Lynn says: Against Brazil, the Elephants wore uniforms that made them look like Celtic, except that the top stripe was bizarrely interrupted by the shoulder seam that appeared on all the uniforms that Puma made for African nations. Indeed, Algeria, Cameroon, and Ghana all had secondary kits with vertical stripes interrupted by the seam, but interrupting horizontal stripes for a seam qualify the Ivorians’ kits as the silliest. Is there any way at all that we can get kit manufacturers to commit to their stripes instead of just letting them stop abruptly for no good reason?