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FILLING YOUR NON-SEQUITUR NEEDS SINCE 1997

WEEKLY WHINE

Administrative notes for APR 2011

We have been hard at work on a few changes here at GoobNet Enterprises Inc [which doesn’t actually exist however]. They may affect your GoobNet experience, they may nullify your GoobNet experience, or in extreme cases, they may cause you to forget that you had a GoobNet experience. We are hoping to avoid the latter.

Below please find a number of critical announcements that you should be aware of when viewing GoobNet. When you have completed your GoobNet visit, we will visit your home, place of work, or wherever you happen to be viewing, and we will then delete these items from your brain to preserve secrecy.

DEBBIE’S NEW PROJECT

As you know, Debbie Myers has left the Interaction studios in Warwickshire to pursue greater goals. She is currently looking for participants for her new project. Below, please find her invitation.

As you know, Charlotte Kügenliche has taken over and is off to a brilliant start in charge of Interaction. This obviously means that there is no longer any place for me. But that’s okay, because I am currently planning a new project that will examine what different parts of the world think of one another. If you believe that you are representative of your part of the world, or if you believe that you are representative of a different part of the world to the one you currently live in, please contact us. And keep an eye out for this new project. You’ll be excited, and perhaps a bit perplexed. — Debbie

PENDING DELETION

We are pleased to announce a new scheme here on GoobNet: the Pending Deletion scheme. The way it works is quite simple. You submit something to us – a person, place, or thing – and explain why we should delete it. Each week our panel of judges convenes to review the submittals and vote on which items should be deleted. If your item is accepted for deletion, we will give you the honour of deleting the item yourself.

Our panel of judges includes such illustrious names as:

  • King Abdullah II of Jordan, deleter of the tenure of Prime Minister Samir Rifai
  • Marie Osmond, whose talk show was deleted before airing
  • Jacob Isom, deleter of David Grisham’s Koran

SUPER FACTUAL ERROR

GoobNet’s current Super Factual Error has not been found for two years, so that means it is time to up the stakes. We have selected another of the many factual errors here on GoobNet as a second Super Factual Error. As with the current Super Factual Error, finding this new Super Factual Error is worth a prize of 65,536 GoobNet Silly Bucks. But if you can find both Super Factual Errors, we will further double your prize, for a grand total of 262,144 Silly Bucks. Both of these Super Factual Errors are present right now on GoobNet, so happy hunting.

LAUGH MARKS AND SILLY BONUS

As you know, the Laugh Marks found throughout GoobNet serve a dual purpose. First, they provide a convenient mechanism for tracking one’s progress. Second, by finding enough of them in sequence, one can qualify for the GoobNet Silly Bonus, worth 8,192 GoobNet Silly Bucks. But we have now been inundated with questions and comments about the Laugh Marks. Some have asked for easier ways to distinguish amongst the Laugh Marks. Others believe that it is now too difficult to qualify for the Silly Bonus. We have responded to both criticisms in the following ways.

First, there are now two types of Laugh Marks. Cyan Laugh Marks are the more prevalent – more than 80% of the existing Laugh Marks are now Cyan Laugh Marks. The remaining ones are Verdigris Laugh Marks. Although more difficult to find, Verdigris Laugh Marks will become immediately apparent.

Second, shut the fuck up. It’s a fucking bonus. Of course it’s not easy to win.

Anyway, the Silly Bonus qualification procedure allows either type of Laugh Mark. But now, if the first Laugh Mark you find after turning down the 512 Silly Buck guarantee is a Verdigris Laugh Mark, you will automatically qualify for the Silly Bonus. Once qualified, the method for earning the Silly Bonus remains unchanged.

CHIEF PARTICIPATOR

We are on the lookout for a new chief participator at GoobNet. Although many people, such as yourself, participate here at GoobNet, the various participants and methods of participation have until now been disorganised and haphazard. The chief participator will participate in as many GoobNet events as possible and will assist GoobNet leadership in representing all participants. For more information on this opening, or to apply, please reach us at <goobnet‍@‍goobnet.net>

REHEARSED REVENUE

Our top rated long play strategic game, Rehearsed Revenue, is approaching its end. Rehearsed Revenue will complete at 00:00 UTC on SUN 17 APR 2011. Therefore, you have less than two weeks to complete your performances and settle your digestions. At that time, the player in first place will be deemed the champion, and a new game will begin from scratch. Currently, the player with the user name trugardy_warrior, of Ireland Rep, is in the lead with 77,118,390 ducks rehearsed.

COMMITMENT TO SPACE

We are in search of individuals who are committed to space. The new Commitment to Space will return and will be more commitmentier than before. If you are currently commitmenting to space, or could be commitmenting in future, we want to hear from you.

Note that we cannot accept individuals who are simply committed or spaced out. We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause.

ESSAY CONTEST

The first GoobNet Essay Contest was a great success. The six winners were warmly received at the 2010 convention of the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED]. But if you missed your chance to participate in that contest, or if you didn’t quite make the cut, fear not. We are pleased to announce the second GoobNet Essay Contest. For this contest, we are seeking slightly longer essays, of between 4,000 and 16,000 words, of which at least 90% must be English. You may submit entries for any or all of the following topics.

  • Which element, if removed from Earth, would cause the most disruption without resulting in the extinction of humanity? Why?
  • Autotune has revolutionised the world of music, in that it transforms crap singers into decent singers and good singers into good singers whose voices apparently can change tone instantaneously, in the middle of a vowel. But what technology or capability will be next to catch the music industry unawares? Support your answer with a proof.
  • Which celebrity, past or present, would be the best commander of a colony on Mars, and what would you say to this celebrity to convince him or her to take the post?

The winning essay in each category will receive 65,536 GoobNet Silly Bucks and will be our guest at the 2011 GoobNet Shark Dressing Tournament in Melbourne, Vic, Australia. Good luck, and happy writing.

As always, thank you for participating here at GoobNet. I am always available for questions or comments at <reg‍@‍goobnet.net>. Please notify me of any other ways that we could improve your GoobNet experience.

PLEASE SEND ALL POORLY PLANNED BUSINESS PROPOSALS TO <GOOBNET‍@‍GOOBNET.NET>

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