WEEKLY WHINE

Look forward to the back collar

Professional sports clubs wear uniforms to distinguish themselves from one another, to establish a visual identity, and to bring in money through sales and sponsorship. Uniforms may be simple like those of the New York Yankees or complex like those of the New York Mets. They may come in just a couple of varieties, like those of Pennsylvania State University’s American football team. Or they may come in a uselessly staggering array of differently coloured pieces that can be rearranged to create a bewildering number of combinations that make one wonder why anyone would bother creating all these in the first place, whilst simultaneously being thankful for the advent of the Internet and its capability to allow anyone to establish a Web site that shows diagrams of all the combinations that the team has worn, without which you would be completely clueless and unable to follow along with that team’s appearance and may have to settle for keeping track of the team’s performance, like the University of Oregon’s American football team.

In recent years, it has become popular for clubs to add distinguishing logos or wordmarks just below the back collar. Nobody knows quite how this came about or why this is popular all of a sudden, but it is. Generally it is the team name, an abbreviation, or a secondary logo. But in the case of DC United, the word TRADITION appears below the back collar, in reference to the team’s tradition of benefiting from questionable officiating decisions winning cups.

What if this idea was carried forward? What if other clubs wore a word or phrase below the back that made reference to something notable about the club, or something that the club wants to be notable about it? We asked the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] to examine each club in MLS, the NBA, MLB, and the NFL to determine what is special about it and how best to capture that specialness.

MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER

• Chicago Fire: CHALLENGE, OFTEN STUDS UP
• Chivas USA: RELEVANCE [And good luck with that.]
• Colorado Rapids: 5280 [What? They already wear that? All right. Perfect.]
• Columbus Crew: LABOR
• FC Dallas: HEY, LOOK AT US! WE STILL EXIST!
• Houston Dynamo: AIM
• Sporting Kansas City: GENERIC GERUNDS
• Los Angeles Galaxy: ATTENTION
• New England Revolution: CLOSENESS
• New York Red Bulls: PWNAGE
• Philadelphia Union: ZOLO
• Portland Timbers: GEOGRAPHICALLY MISLEADING SPONSORSHIP
• Real Salt Lake: SUNDAY
• San Jose Earthquakes: PURSUIT
• Seattle Sounders: LOUDNESS
• Toronto FC: REDS, EH
• Vancouver Whitecaps: SINCE 1974, EH

NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION

• Atlanta Hawks: THE ATL [The alternate uniforms already have “ATL” on the front.]
• Boston Celtics: [Red Auerbach’s signature]
• Charlotte Bobcats: FORGET ABOUT JORDAN
• Chicago Bulls: DON’T FORGET ABOUT JORDAN
• Cleveland Cavaliers: WINNING SOMETHING BEFORE LEBRON
• Dallas Mavericks: FUCK STERN
• Denver Nuggets: FUCK MELO
• Detroit Pistons: FUCK ALL Y’ALL
• Golden State Warriors: WE BELIEVE
• Houston Rockets: CLUTCH CITY
• Indiana Pacers: REGGIE
• Los Angeles Clippers: IN BLAKE WE TRUST
• Los Angeles Lakers: [Jack Nicholson’s signature]
• Memphis Grizzlies: GIFTGIVING
• Miami Heat: HE HATE ME
• Milwaukee Bucks: FEAR THE DEER
• Minnesota Timberwolves: AHWOOOOO
• New Jersey Nets: OLIGARCHY
• New Orleans Hornets: REBIRTH
• New York Knicks: ISIAH DOESN’T WORK HERE ANY MORE
• Oklahoma City Thunder: ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
• Orlando Magic: SUCCESS
• Philadelphia 76ers: HISTORY
• Phoenix Suns: :07
• Portland Trail Blazers: RIP CITY [The alternate uniforms already have this on the front.]
• Sacramento Kings: STAYING [And good luck with that.]
• San Antonio Spurs: RELIABILITY
• Toronto Raptors: ACHIEVEMENT, EH
• Utah Jazz: LARRY
• Washington Wizards: FORGET ABOUT JORDAN

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL

• Arizona Diamondbacks: DRY HEAT
• Atlanta Braves: 6
• Baltimore Orioles: 2,131
• Boston Red Sox: WICKED AWESOME
• Chicago Cubs: HEY HEY • HOLY COW
• Chicago White Sox: INNOVATION
• Cincinnati Reds: THE ORIGINALS
• Cleveland Indians: TRIBE
• Colorado Rockies: LAND OF THE HUMIDOR
• Detroit Tigers: EAT EM UP
• Florida Marlins: MIAMI
• Houston Astros: TAL
• Kansas City Royals: BLUE
• Los Angeles Angels: OC
• Los Angeles Dodgers: THINK BLUE
• Milwaukee Brewers: HERITAGE
• Minnesota Twins: CONTRACT THIS
• New York Mets: SHEA
• New York Yankees: FREDDY SEZ
• Oakland Athletics: ELEPHANTS
• Philadelphia Phillies: HIGH HOPES
• Pittsburgh Pirates: FAMILY
• St Louis Cardinals: REDBIRDS
• San Diego Padres: PAD SQUAD
• San Francisco Giants: LOS GIGANTES
• Seattle Mariners: REFUSE TO LOSE
• Tampa Bay Rays: 9=8
• Texas Rangers: 34
• Toronto Blue Jays: ILLOGICAL COLOURS
• Washington Nationals: EXCELENCE IN SPELLING

NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE

• Arizona Cardinals: TILLMAN
• Atlanta Falcons: SOAR
• Baltimore Ravens: HISTORY [This allows the team to pretend that it has a history.]
• Buffalo Bills: CANADA/8
• Carolina Panthers: GROWL
• Chicago Bears: SWERSKI
• Cincinnati Bengals: WHO DEY
• Cleveland Browns: WAY MORE HISTORY
• Dallas Cowboys: BIG D
• Denver Broncos: BARREL MAN
• Detroit Lions: LEGENDS
• Green Bay Packers: [Curly Lambeau’s signature]
• Houston Texans: FOOTBALL TIME
• Indianapolis Colts: SPEED BLUE
• Jacksonville Jaguars: PRIDE
• Kansas City Chiefs: RED WATER
• Miami Dolphins: 1972
• Minnesota Vikings: SKOL
• New England Patriots: MUSKET MEN
• New Orleans Saints: WHO DAT
• New York Giants: BIG BLUE
• New York Jets: TITANS
• Oakland Raiders: BLACK HOLE
• Philadelphia Eagles: FLY
• Pittsburgh Steelers: STIHLLERS
• St Louis Rams: [image of the Gateway Arch]
• San Diego Chargers: SUPER CHARGERS
• San Francisco 49ers: CALIFORNIA’S ORIGINAL
• Seattle Seahawks: 12
• Tampa Bay Buccaneers: ARRRR
• Tennessee Titans: ATHENS
• Washington Redskins: HAIL