For tetherball enthusiasts

Deb: Hello! Hi! Welcome to this very special event. We’re excited to be here for GoobNet’s tribute to everyone’s favourite news personality, Debbie Myers!

Debbie: Hi.

Deb: Well, Debbie, you’re done with Interaction. How’s that feel?

Debbie: A bit odd, if I’m honest. It may have been only an hour programme, but it’s a lot of preparatory work every week.

Deb: Yeah.

Debbie: But these last couple of weeks, it’s been, okay, what? So, you know.

Deb: Whatever.

Debbie: Right.

Deb: Okay.

Debbie: Yeah.

Deb: Uh huh.

Debbie: Mmkay.

Deb: Right.

Debbie: Yep.

[Pause.]

Deb: What the fuck were we talking about?

Debbie: Going to introduce the rest, are you?

Deb: Oh, yes, of course. Unless you’d like to? For old times’ sake?

Debbie: All right. Hello everyone! Welcome to this special GoobNet presentation of Whose Line Is It Anyway! With us tonight: His tray table is fully upright and locked, Reg Goober!

Reg: [claps]

Debbie: Oxygen masks are available, although we do not expect a loss in Amber Lynn!

Amber Lynn: [claps]

Debbie: He may be used as a flotation device, Edvard van de Kamp!

Edvard: [claps]

Debbie: And me: I’ve got two over wing exits, Debbie Myers! And our host: do not slide down her unless instructed by cabin crew, Deb Harratsch!

Deb: Yaaaay! Look at this, Debbie! Everyone’s back! Just for you!

Debbie: Yeah, but Reg has added a bit of weight.

Reg: What?

Deb: Oh. So that’s how it’s gonna be.

Amber Lynn: And you’ve put on a bit of fuck you.

Deb: Wow.

Edvard: [mimes holding glass] I don’t givva fuck what you fink! I’m Debbie Myers!

Deb: All right. Strap in, everyone.

Debbie: Way ahead of you.

Deb: [pause] What does that even mean?

Amber Lynn: Well, you see, when two people love each other very much, and one of them likes to be restrained in...

Deb: Okay, thank you. That’s plenty. We’ve got a lot of stuff to get to, so let’s get under way. Folks, you know how this works. These guys are all going to make up all the stuff that they’re about to do. It all comes from hints from these cards, which they’ve never seen before, or from our audience right here. Then I give them points. Although that’s pretty much a waste, because at the end, I’m sure I’m going to pick Debbie as the winner...

Edvard: Wait, what?

Deb: Doesn’t seem fair, does it? But that’s how it goes. And the rest of us are therefore going to be punished with all the stuff in Amber Lynn’s basement. Fun for everyone, in other words. So let’s get right to it. This first bit is called Press Conference. Debbie, you’re giving a big press conference, and Reg, Amber Lynn, and Edvard are the reporters. The trick, of course, is that these guys know who Debbie is supposed to be and what she’s supposed to be announcing, because it’s on that card that I just gave them. But she doesn’t. So now Debbie –

Edvard: Wow. This is awfully specific.

Deb: Yeah. It’s more fun that way. So Debbie has to figure out what the thing is based on the hints she gets from the others. All right? So start the press conference when you’re ready, Debbie.

Debbie: [Victoria Beckham announcing that she’s divorcing David and writing a comprehensive history of 18th century France] Hello everyone. Thank you for coming. I know this was a big announcement, but hopefully now you understand the reasoning behind my decision. [points to Amber Lynn] Yes?

Amber Lynn: Mary Coppins, Brandon Walsh Street Journal.

Debbie: Yes. Hi.

Amber Lynn: Hello. What made you undertake such a... shall we say, spicy move?

Debbie: Well, the writing had been on the wall for weeks. Finally I just decided to get a bucket and wash it off. [points to Reg] Yes?

Reg: Hello. Leif Ericson, 11th century Viking explorer.

Debbie: Hello, Leif. Loved your work in Vinland.

Reg: Thank you. Are the kids aware of this move, and if so, how did they take it?

Debbie: With milk and sugar.

Reg: [mimes writing] With milk and sugar. Now does that include Brooklyn?

Debbie: Er... no, just Staten Island.

Amber Lynn: [points to Debbie’s midsection] So is that the name of the next one, then?

Debbie: Next... oh. Yes. That’s it exactly. Staten Island Beckham. Though I’m sure everyone will call her “Stats”.

Reg: Quite.

Debbie: [points to Edvard] Yes?

Edvard: Yes. Spencer Spitz, Boston Glob.

Debbie: Good evening. Yes?

Edvard: Was there anything in particular that attracted you to this subject? The Bourbons, perhaps?

Debbie: Yes, well, as you know, I’ve long been an ardent supporter of all forms of bourbon. [points to Reg] Yes?

Reg: Sorry, just to return to the kids again for a moment. Will they be living with you?

Debbie: They will. He can see them twice a month. And if he wants to see them any more than that, he can just get bent.

Edvard and Amber Lynn: [nod]

Reg: And are you going to let them eat cake?

Debbie: I don’t see why not.

Reg: You don’t think the townsfolk will become agitated?

Debbie: I’m not expecting the Bastille to fall, if that’s what you mean. [points to Amber Lynn] Yes? Another question, Mary?

Amber Lynn: Yeah. Will you be weighing in on the wisdom of the War of Spanish Succession?

Debbie: [pause] I’ve... er... not yet decided. I may speak to the family down the street about that. The Habsburgs, they’re called.

[Buzzer]

Deb: All right, Debbie. I think you’re there. Who are you?

Debbie: Victoria Beckham.

Deb: Yeah...

Debbie: Or “Vickie” as we affectionately know her. And I’m announcing that I’m divorcing Dave and... er... travelling backward through time to become an advisor to King Louis XVI...?

Deb: Nnnnooo...

Debbie: I’m... [shrugs] rewriting the Wikipedia page about him?

Deb: Close...

Edvard: [raises hand] Have you signed on with a publisher yet?

Debbie: Ah! I’m writing a book about him!

Deb: That’s it!

[Buzzer]

Deb: All right. [reading card] Victoria Beckham is divorcing David and writing a comprehensive history of 18th century France. So, way to go, Debbie.

Reg: What was it? Staten Island Beckham?

Debbie: Staten Island Beckham!

Deb: Rare shoutout for Staten Island there.

Debbie: Is there anyone famous from Staten Island?

Reg: Wu-Tang.

Debbie: Really?

Reg: Yeah. Half of them are from there. And I also read that the real Ichabod Crane lived there.

Amber Lynn: Whoa. There was a real Ichabod Crane?

Reg: Yeah. Served in the Army.

Deb: And coming up next on Staten Island Tonight...

Reg: Oh, sorry.

Deb: No, this was fascinating. I’m gonna give you six thousand points for that, Reg.

Reg: Really? Wow!

Edvard: What? What a rip!

Deb: All right. Gonna move on now to a new game, Staten Island Name Drop. Everything you say, you have to reference someone from Staten Island. No, I’m kidding. Let’s do Three Headed Broadway Star. This is for Edvard, Amber Lynn, and Debbie. And we have a special guest as well. Debbie, when we started to put together this thing for you, we sent out invitations to all kinds of people who have previously appeared on Interaction. Most of them said “Who?”. But we have a couple of them here tonight. Our first guest star appeared on an Interaction programme about game shows. He’s won more games on Jeopardy! than anyone else. Here he is, Ken Jennings!

Ken: [enters] Hi there.

Deb: Welcome Ken. Good to have you.

Ken: Good to be here. Hi, Debbie. Nice to see you again.

Debbie: And you. [shakes hands]

Deb: Okay, so you three are going to sing, one word at a time, the hit song from Ken Jennings: The Musical. And folks in the audience, we need a suggestion for the title of the song.

Some Guy in the Left Section: “Delete Watson”!

Deb: All right. Let’s go with that. “Delete Watson”. And to help us out, at the piano, Catie Vargas!

Catie: [waves]

Deb: So the hit Broadway song, “Delete Watson”. One word at a time. Go ahead, Catie. Get us started.

Catie: [plays Broadway-esque song]

Edvard: Oh!

Amber Lynn: I’m...

Debbie: Back...

Edvard: With...

Amber Lynn: Alex...

Debbie: And...

Edvard: There’s...

Amber Lynn: That...

Debbie: Compuuuuuter!

Edvard: He’s...

Amber Lynn: Faster!

Debbie: And...

Edvard: Smarter!

Amber Lynn: And...

Debbie: Cuter!

Edvard: And...

Amber Lynn: Funnierrrr-er!

Debbie: I...

Edvard: Don’t...

Amber Lynn: Think...

Debbie: This...

Edvard: Is...

Amber Lynn: Fair!

Debbie: Or...

Edvard: What?

Amber Lynn: This...

Debbie: Computer...

Edvard: Overlord!

Amber Lynn: Is...

Debbie: Astooooound-ing!

Edvard: Why?

Amber Lynn: Must...

Debbie: We...

Edvard: Play...

Amber Lynn: Like...

Debbie: Idiots!

Edvard: When...

Amber Lynn: Nobody...

Debbie: Is...

Edvard: Looking!

Amber Lynn: I’ll...

Debbie: Download...

Edvard: Into...

Amber Lynn: His...

Debbie: Memory...

Edvard: All...

Amber Lynn: Of...

Debbie: Bieber’s!

Edvards: Fans’...

Amber Lynn: Annooooying...

Debbie: Squeals!

Edvard: Watson!

Amber Lynn: Watson!

Debbie: I’ll...

Edvard: Defeat...

Amber Lynn: You...

Debbie: Yet!

Edvard: See...

Amber Lynn: You...

Debbie: On...

Edvard: [pause] Er... Survivor!

Amber Lynn: [giggling] I’ll...

Debbie: Vote...

Edvard: You...

All: Ouuuutt!

[Buzzer]

Deb: All right. Thank you, Ken! Ken Jennings, everybody!

Ken: [waves, exits]

Deb: That was nice.

Debbie: That was cool. Good to see him again.

Edvard: I like him.

Deb: I’ll give him three thousand points, for doing nothing. The best nothing ever. So now I think we’ll move over to Number of Words. Haven’t done that in a while, have we? Okay, so this is for everybody. You’re doing a scene, but you all have a certain number of words you can say at a time. Amber Lynn, you get three. Reg, five. Edvard, two. And Debbie, you get one word. The scene is, backstage at the last episode of Interaction. Backstage at the last episode of Interaction, so get started when you’re all ready.

Amber Lynn: Great show, Debbie.

Debbie: Thanks.

Reg: What will you do now?

Debbie: Dunno.

Reg: Do you have a new...

Debbie: ...Job?

Reg: Yes, that. A new job?

Debbie: Dunno.

Edvard: Let’s drink!

Amber Lynn: Amen to that.

Edvard: Who’s missing?

Amber Lynn: Where’s your husband?

Debbie: [feigns crying]

Edvard: [whispering] She’s single!

Amber Lynn: Oh! I forgot.

Reg: Oh, now you’ve done it!

Edvard: [to Amber Lynn; pointing to Debbie] Midlife crisis!

Debbie: Single!

Amber Lynn: Sorry, Debbie. I... [holds up hands]

Debbie: Alone! [feigns bawling]

Amber Lynn: You’re not alone.

Edvard: We’re here.

Reg: And you have a cat.

Debbie: Cronkite?

Edvard: He’s here.

Amber Lynn: Come here, Cronkite. [mimes picking up cat]

Reg: You know what? You should...

Edvard: Do what?

Reg: Write a book about him.

Amber Lynn: Here you go. [mimes handing cat to Debbie]

Debbie: [sniffle] Book?

Reg: I would totally read it.

Edvard: Me too.

Amber Lynn: So would I.

Debbie: Title?

Reg: Screw Men! I’ve Got Pussy!

[Buzzer]

Debbie: [mimes releasing cat]

Deb: You know, I would read that book too.

Reg: Isn’t that the name of Lindsay Lohan’s book?

Debbie: No, that was Screw Men! I’ve Got a Car, a Beer, a Stolen Watch, and a Pussy!.

Amber Lynn: I would read that one.

Deb: Okay, so that’s going to be two thousand sixty nine points. Next, let’s do Two Line Vocabulary. In this game, we’ll have Debbie and Reg, along with another special guest. She appeared on an Interaction programme about April Fool’s gags several years ago. She’s an Icelandic singer best known for her beautiful voice and her extreme eccentricity. Please welcome Björk!

Björk: [enters, waves]

Deb: Hi, Björk. Lovely to have you.

Björk: Thank you. I am pleased to be here. Hello, Debbie.

Debbie: Hi, Björk. [shakes hands] Great to see you again.

Deb: All right. So the three of you will do a scene. Debbie, you can say anything you want, but Reg and Björk, you each have two lines to choose from. Reg, your lines are “Where did everybody go” and “I saw that”. “Where did everybody go”, “I saw that”. Björk, your lines are “I’m not afraid of you” and “Wow, that’s really cute”. “I’m not afraid of you”, “Wow, that’s really cute”. And the scene is: Debbie and her two assistants prepare for an Interaction show about innovative new cars. So start the scene when you’re ready.

Debbie: All right, so this is one of the cars that we’ll be demonstrating today.

Björk: Wow, that’s really cute.

Debbie: Yes, I suppose so. So what make is this one?

Reg: [hand to chin] Oh, I saw that.

Debbie: You did? What was it?

Reg: [looks around] Where did everybody go?

Debbie: They’re not here yet. It’s still a couple of hours until showtime. All right, what about this model? Do you know what this one is? [pause] Anybody?

Björk: I’m not afraid of you!

Debbie: I... I wasn’t trying to scare you. Just tell me about this one. This is the one with the automated lane detection, right? Greg was going to show you how that works, right?

Reg: Where’d everybody go?

Debbie: He didn’t show you? Was he supposed to be here? Great. Look, let’s see if we can figure out this one ourselves. Where’s the sensor? Here?

Björk: Wow, that’s really cute. [mimes wiping car]

Reg: [points] I saw that!

Björk: I’m not afraid of you!

Debbie: Look, you two. I know you haven’t always gotten along, but we’ve got to work together. This is going to be a big show. [mimes picking up object] Here’s the oil pan that represents all the oil that you don’t need – [mimes dropping object] oops! [to Reg] Sorry. That’s all over your pants now. Here, take those off and we’ll get you a new pair.

Reg: [sighs] Where did everybody go?

Debbie: It’s all right. Nobody’s here. It’s just us. Go ahead and take them off.

Reg: [mimes removing pants]

Björk: [points, scoffs] I am not afraid of you.

[Buzzer]

Deb: There she is! Björk, everyone! Thank you so much!

Björk: [curtsies, exits]

Deb: Ah, timing is everything in comedy. I’ll give each of you 775 points for that. And the next game is... Scenes from a Hat!

Amber Lynn: Yeah!

Deb: Nobody could hate this game. All right, so this is for everyone. Before we started today, we had the audience write down suggestions for things they’d like these guys to do. [holds up inverted winter toque] And so we took the good ones, and we’ll do some of them now, starting with... [draws paper] “Interaction in the South”.

Reg: Good evenin’, y’all. Tonight on the show, we gonna talk about that there Facebook. Ain’t just a way to keep in touch with all y’all’s friends from all y’all’s holler? Or ain’t it a way that them there city folk are tryin’ to git us all inta their newfangled twenty first century?

[Buzzer]

Deb: Okay. [draws paper] “What they talk about during the credits on talk shows.”

Debbie: By the way, that paternity test? It was just a round of eenie-meenie-mi–

[Buzzer]

Edvard: [points to people in audience] I’d fuck her, I’d fuck her, wouldn’t fuck her, ...

[Buzzer]

Deb: [draws paper] “Ways to make sports more exciting”.

Edvard: [to Reg] Okay, you’re going to take the handoff, run to the 850 yard line, leap over the rotating knives, avoid the land mines, ...

[Buzzer]

Amber Lynn: Thank you all for hearing my proposal. I call it: “Golf Pinball”. All you have to do is put the ball in the hole, but instead of roughs and sand traps, there’s bumpers, flippers, and those things in the back that make the loud kachunk noise and –

[Buzzer]

Deb: No? Nothing else? All right... [draws paper] oh. “Interviews for Charlie Sheen’s new publicist”.

Reg: Yes, thank you for asking. I do have a few ideas for improving Charlie’s image. First: Chastity belt. I think that will go a long way toward improving his image. Second: We’re going to get him off his current addictions and onto a new addiction, sudoku. He is going to be a sudoku monster. I have all kinds of books here, and we’ll give him injections that will make him obsessed with sudoku. Instead of what he is now, obsessed with... well... other things.

[Buzzer]

Debbie: I think the first talking point I would give him would be: He’s stimulating the economy. He’s providing some much needed cash to the hooking industry.

[Buzzer]

Deb: Okay. How about... [draws paper] “Strange travel documentaries”.

Debbie: Welcome to our countdown of the ten greatest hospital beds in America. The best reclining, the greatest views of the tiny television, the most upturned sheets – you’ll see them all as we look at –

[Buzzer]

Reg: Welcome back to Urinal Wars. This week, it’s a fight to –

[Buzzer]

Amber Lynn: Today, we’re going to visit some of the most misleading bar names. We start here at an establishment called the Snatching Beaver, which caters not to lesbians but to dam engineers.

[Buzzer]

Deb: Misleading bar names. That would have been a good one.

Reg: For romantic novellists: The Bare Clause.

Edvard: Also for dam engineers: The Solidly Built Dike.

Deb: For pesticide testers: The Weed Farm.

Debbie: For oil painters: The Lubricated Brush.

Edvard: For opthalmologists: The Stiff E.

Amber Lynn: For tetherball enthusiasts: The Long Hard Pole.

[Multiple buzzers]

Deb: All right. I’ve heard enough. Our winner today is... Debbie! It’s Debbie! Can you believe it?

Amber Lynn: Fix!

Debbie: You’re just jealous.

Amber Lynn: Bought! Totally bought!

Deb: So Debbie’s the winner, which means she gets a bye from this game, and the rest of us are punished by having to do a Hoedown. [stands from desk] And we’ve got Catie Vargas back at the piano to help. Thanks, Catie. So this Hoedown is going to be a strange topic for Interaction. And we need a suggestion from the audience for a strange topic for Interaction. What do you think?

Audience: Swearing! Celebrity kids! Projectile vomiting!

Deb: Okay, let’s do – wait, what? Projectile vomiting? You’re insane. Swearing. We’ll do swearing. Swearing, a strange Interaction topic. Get us started, Catie.

Catie: [plays hoedown]

Reg: Oh, we’ve had a really crazy show.
All this talking back and forth, out to and fro.
Don’t know what we’re saying, I don’t give a fuck,
I’m just a corn farmer. All I do is shuck.

Deb: All this swearing, oh it makes me mad!
Everyone’s yelling! This show’s gone so bad!
Can’t we get along? Can’t we sing a song?
Just be calm! We’ll take hits from my bong!

Amber Lynn: Goddamn cocksucker, you’re really fucking dumb!
You don’t know that shit comes out your bum!
You’re so dumb! What you say is fucking shit!
Hey, what you doing? Take your hands off my clit!

Edvard: I don’t ever swear; I’m a very civil man.
Whether I’m here or there or off in Pakistan.
If we work together, we achieve a greater goal.
Let’s all get a drink, at the Long Hard Pole!

All: At the Long Hard Poooooole!

Deb: [returns to desk] All right. Thanks everyone. That was great. Now that takes us to the end. Debbie, congratulations on twenty one awesome years at Interaction. Hope you had a great time.

Debbie: I sure did. And thanks for making me part of the team here.

Deb: It’s been a pleasure. But I can’t let you leave without making you read the credits. And Debbie, we’re gonna have you read the credits as Edvard the security guard escorts you off the premises at Interaction headquarters. Good night everybody! Thanks for joining us!

Reg: [grabs Debbie’s arm]

Debbie: [mimes holding box] I’m going, all right! Look, I haven’t got Reg Goober’s encyclopædia set, all right! I don’t know where it’s got to! And Amber Lynn’s goldfish... that could have happened to anybody’s fish, all right? I wasn’t anywhere near that! Look, don’t you know that any views expressed herein are those of the participants and not necessarily those of GoobNet Enterprises, Inc [which doesn’t actually exist however]? If you did do, you wouldn’t be treating me like this! [shouting over shoulder] You hear me, Deb Harratsch? Ever wonder where your gynæcologist ran off to? That’s right! That was all me!

Reg: [mimes tasing Debbie] Bzzzzt!

Debbie [feigns convulsion] Aaaaaah!