WEEKLY WHINE

Rising excitement, falling conscription

The 2011 Women’s World Cup begins next week, and female football madness is rapidly reaching a fevered level. Is your nation excited about its ladies’ prospects for success? If your nation had the appropriate marketing strategy, it would be. Here now we present said appropriate marketing strategies for each team participating in the tournament.

GROUP A

Germany

Birgit Prinz, Martina Müller, and all the German stars are aiming to win a third consecutive Women’s World Cup on home soil. What better way to celebrate the end of the German draft?

Canada

Christine Sinclair and Karina LeBlanc are two of the world’s greatest female players. But please don’t riot if they lose, eh.

Nigeria

The Super Falcons have qualified for every Women’s World Cup to date. They’re due, don’t you think?

France

See the female Zidane, Camille Abily. Oh, and stop thinking about headbutting. She doesn’t do that. Although it would get an assload of views on Youtube.

GROUP B

Japan

Japan are ranked fourth in the world. Really! Stop saying they were seeded only because China PR didn’t qualify! It’s not funny any more!

New Zealand

The All Whites earned three hard fought draws at last year’s Men’s World Cups. Now see if the Ferns can earn three points all at once!

Mexico

They beat the gringas! Of course, you should still care about how they do in the tournament, but still! They beat the fucking gringas!

England

Why can’t an England squad win in Germany? No, don’t tell them. Let them dream.

GROUP C

United States

Have you ever wanted to see American footballers who can lead a match for more than two minutes at a time? Now is your chance!

Korea DPR

Free will is overrated. Watch the North Korean women prove it!

Colombia

Want to watch a team that wears yellow jerseys with their first names on the back? Don’t want to have to learn Portuguese? Have we got the team for you!

Sweden

Lotta Schelin will make you forget about Hanna Ljungberg. Unless you have a good memory. Or unless you are Hanna Ljungberg. And if you are, why haven’t you been responding to my friend requests?

GROUP D

Brazil

Umm, yeeeah. Brazilian people, I’m gonna need you to stop complaining about how your women’s team still hasn’t won a gold medal or a World Cup. And, if you could go ahead and just enjoy their skills, that’d be greeeat.

Australia

See the defending Asian women’s champions! Just don’t look at a map or anything.

Norway

The Americans would like to make an offer. If you explain to them how to pronounce Hedda Gardsjord’s name, they’ll explain how to pronounce Lisa Marie Woods’s name.

Equatorial Guinea

See one of the top sides in Africa learn just how much farther they have to come.