WEEKLY WHINE

Yes, your outfit is causing it

So how does the 2011 Women’s World Cup look?

We are of course not talking about the football, or the venues, or the television coverage, all of which we are sure will be top notch. We are referring to the uniforms, which have the potential to be awesome or non-awesome. Here now we review the kits to be worn by all participating teams and provide suggestions for improvement.

GROUP A

Germany

As expected, Germany are wearing simple primary uniforms, with the traditional white jerseys and black shorts. The secondary uniforms are an adventurous affair of red, but forming a vertical gradient to black at the bottom of the jersey. It’s a decent idea, but it will not translate well when change shorts are required. Finally, we concur with Calculon’s famous line: “I don’t like the font”. The two time champions should not be wearing Comic Sans MS, or anything that looks like Comic Sans MS.

Canada

The Canadian women are wearing the same thing as their male counterparts: a red jersey with white and black chevrons. The second jersey is white, of the same style. We find nothing wrong here.

Nigeria

Nigeria wear green as a first choice, or white as a second. They take to the field in this competition with suitably traditional kits.

France

After nearly forty years with Adidas, all French national sides are now outfitted by Nike. The first jersey is something of a blue gray and is nothing extraordinary, but the second jersey, the same as the men’s team, is white with horizontal stripes. The team need only be issued with cigarettes and bérets to complete the stereotype.

GROUP B

Japan

The Japanese women wear nearly the same thing as the men. The only exception is that the red rectangle beneath the front collar, present on both home and away shirts, is pink on the ladies’ kits. This sort of attention to detail is certainly welcome, though we of course recommend ecofeminist pink camouflage.

New Zealand

Same kits as the men: white primary, black secondary. Nothing to see here. Move along.

Mexico

Mexico are expected to wear the same first choice green jerseys and white shorts as the male players. If they also follow the men’s lead and wear black secondary kits, they will do themselves a disservice.

England

The England women wear the same kits that the men wore to great success in South Africa last year. Oh, wait.

GROUP C

United States

For the first time, the US women wear their two World Cup stars above the crest, rather than the back collar or the sleeve. However, the jerseys, both the home white and away navy blue, have a pair of seams descending from the collar that join to travel down the centre of the shirt. The effect is that of a partially undone zipper and is likely to induce laughter.

Korea DPR

As has long been the case, Korea DPR wear red or white. The font selected for the shirt numbers is a boldface serifed one, sure to attract attention from fontophiles.

Colombia

Colombia wear yellow jerseys and blue shorts. The uniforms that they offer this time appear to bear a darker shade of blue than usual. But the most notable feature of Colombia’s kits will be the first names, rather than surnames, that are expected to appear on the back. They clearly want to be mistaken for Brazil, though once the match kicks off, the difference will be apparent.

Sweden

Sweden are again in their traditional yellow and blue. It remains to be seen whether their away shirts will match the men’s side: blue with a yellow diagonal stripe.

GROUP D

Brazil

The Brazilian women wear nearly the same thing as the men. Only the stripe down each sleeve is missing, a change which we are unsure about.

Australia

The Matildas wear the same style of uniforms as the Socceroos, up to and including the two shades of blue that we have already judged useless.

Norway

Norway currently wear unadorned red jerseys. A bit of variety would be welcome; the team should consider a blue stripe down each sleeve, which has been part of past Norwegian shirts.

Equatorial Guinea

Equatorial Guinea wear red uniforms that the world first noticed at last year’s Youth Olympic football tournament, in which the team won silver. The red bears only white trim. As with Norway, Equatorial Guinea should take advantage of the fact that green and blue are also amongst the national colours. We recommend an ordinary, off the rack lime green affair.