WEEKLY WHINE

Hyperspeed Dating: Benjamin, Franklin, and a third?

The current season of GoobNet Hyperspeed Dating is bigger than ever. The preliminary competitions were expanded to eight weeks, yielding a total of sixteen couples. But now those newly formed relationships will be tested in a fast and furious competition to decide who will win the trip to Texel, Netherlands and everything else in the GoobNet prize package. Here is a review of the first quarterfinal held last week.

THE BOARDS

Playing on the Left Board were Ash and James versus DeCarter and Barb. Ash is a 24 year old homosexual male from San Diego, CA, USA who selected James, a 29 year old bisexual male from Clear Grove, CT, USA. DeCarter is a 38 year old heterosexual male from Tartville, PA, USA who selected Barb, a 37 year old heterosexual female from Islip, NY, USA.

Playing on the Right Board were Alfonso and Breann versus Kenneth and Dagmar. Alfonso is a 36 year old heterosexual male from Tampa, FL, USA who selected Breann, a 32 year old bisexual female from Baton Rouge, LA, USA. Kenneth is a 43 year old heterosexual male from Trenton, NJ, USA who selected Dagmar, a 40 year old bisexual female from East Pod River, NJ, USA.

ROULETTE OF LOVE

During the elimination rounds, the Roulette consists of several individuals who were not selected from the Roulette in the couples’ original appearances on the programme, along with some new participants. The couples must locate all of the individuals from their own Roulette.

Ash and James believed that of the six men on the Roulette, numbers one, seven, and nine had been on Ash’s Roulette. Of the remaining six women, DeCarter and Barb selected numbers four, six, eight, and ten as coming from DeCarter’s Roulette. In actual fact, only numbers one and five were from Ash’s Roulette. DeCarter and Barb were correct about numbers four, six, and eight, but number twelve had been on DeCarter’s Roulette whilst number ten had not. DeCarter and Barb therefore emerged with a one point lead.

The Roulette at the Right Board, meanwhile, was a trickier proposition, as it was filled completely with women. Alfonso and Breann found five that they believed they had seen before: numbers three, four, nine, ten, and twelve. Kenneth and Dagmar picked out only numbers two, four, and five; they were correct about two and five, but needed to select numbers six and seven rather than four. Meanwhile, Alfonso and Breann were treated to green light after green light; in the end, they were wrong only about number twelve and narrowly missed out on the electronics set. But they still proceeded with a two point lead.

MATCHMAKER

The nine audience members featured on the Left Board were Sally, Abigail, Markham, Benjamin, Elodie, Rob, Franklin, Deni, and Rachel. The first correct guess was DeCarter and Barb’s second attempt, when they correctly matched Markham and Elodie. One moment of levity came when Ash said, “Benjamin, Franklin”. James then had to explain to Ash why that was funny. That guess turned out to be incorrect, but Ash and James did identify the second couple of the round with Franklin and Abigail. But DeCarter and Barb won the round on their eighth guess, pairing up Rob and Sally.

Over on the Right Board, Kelly, Howie, Missy, Maravilha, Claire, Tab, Tabitha, Shenya, and Marybeth were waiting to be paired up. Alfonso and Breann led off the round by trying to pair the only two men on the board, Howie and Tab. But that was wrong. But on their fifth guess, they finally found a winning pair with Tabitha and Shenya. Kenneth and Dagmar, meanwhile, were unsuccessfully trying to pair Howie with all the remaining women. Alfonso and Breann later found Maravilha and Missy, and then Kelly and Claire, to complete a sweep of the round.

CRUCIBLE

Benjamin took offence at what he described as a “smear campaign”, saying that he was not gay and could not understand why the competitors continually guessed him with the other men on the Left Board. Ash suggested taking things less seriously, but Benjamin immediately snapped, “What? Are you saying I should loosen my sphincter? You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

Body implementations aside, Markham and Elodie credited DeCarter and Barb for reading them well. At the end of the Crucible, the singletons – Benjamin, Deni, and Rachel – were all found to be heterosexual. When asked whether he might consider Deni or Rachel, Benjamin answered, “I don’t think so. Sorry, you two just don’t seem like my type.” He then turned to Ash and added, “What are you laughing at?”

The talk on the Right Board was all about how all three couples there happened to be lesbian couples. All of them said that they watch the programme frequently, though Maravilha and Missy admitted to fast forwarding through the parts with men. So if you see a special Ladies Night edition of Hyperspeed Dating next season, you will know whom to thank.

Of the three single people, Tab and Howie were both heterosexual, whilst Marybeth admitted to a lesbian tryst in college but insisted that she was no longer attracted to girls. Dagmar then joked, “What if I got you really drunk?”, and Marybeth answered, “Well, you could always get me a couple of Long Island iced teas if you two ever need a third.”

VIEWER VOTE

A close vote on the Left Board saw DeCarter and Barb narrowly ahead of Ash and James, 55% to 45%.

But things did not look good for Kenneth and Dagmar on the Right Board. In addition to their five point deficit, they also trailed in the viewer vote, 71% to 29%.

LIKE MINDS

In the Like Minds round, each couple is split up into individual soundproof booths and earn points for giving the same answers to trivia questions, even when that answer is incorrect.

When they locked in their category selections, Ash and James both went for politics. But DeCarter and Barb could not agree, selecting science and recent films respectively. Thus, the short rounds were science and recent films, whilst the long round was politics.

The short rounds saw many matches and many correct responses, but going into the long round, DeCarter and Barb’s lead remained at two points. The first question of the long round saw Ash and James tie the score by agreeing that Kevin McCarthy is the current majority whip of the US House of Representatives. But DeCarter and Barb agreed on all the remaining questions, whilst two mismatched answers cost Ash and James severely. DeCarter and Barb won the game by a single point.

Before entering the booths, Kenneth and Dagmar revealed that they had studied in the previous weeks, concentrating on geography and current television shows. Luckily for them, the category of animated television came up, and they both selected it. But Alfonso and Breann agreed on their category as well, so there would be one short round of animated television and one long round of Olympic sports.

Kenneth and Dagmar agreed on three of the four animated TV questions and got two of those three correct, but with two agreements and one correct, Alfonso and Breann did not let their lead dwindle by much. They pulled ahead again in the long round, including three straight correct answers at one point. They also got the final question correct, identifying golf as one of the two sports to be added to the programme for the 2016 Summer Olympics. By a comfortable eight point margin, then, Alfonso and Breann came away the winners on the Right Board.

RESULT

DeCarter and Barb said that they had gone out numerous times in the weeks between their original appearance and this quarterfinal. “I would go down and meet him in Philly at least once a week,” Barb told Tabi. “He would meet me in New York at least once a week. And sometimes we would meet halfway in Jersey. I think now we have a good read on each other.”

Alfonso and Breann said that they met in person only twice since their first appearance but have talked on the telephone nearly every evening. “I have good instincts with people,” Alfonso said in the aftermath room. “And Breann knows a lot. So between us, I knew we were in a strong position.”

Both couples advance to the semifinal round, which begins in three weeks. The trip to Texel is just a few steps away for these couples, or one of the other newly formed couples.