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WEEKLY WHINE

Copper and marshmallows

The 2012 Summer Olympics are over, with the Paralympics soon to begin. After that, though, what will happen to the many venues used for this sporting festival? Join us now as we begin to help London emerge from its post Olympic hangover.

OLYMPIC PARK

Olympic Stadium

Used for: Ceremonies, athletics

Actual post-Games use: Athletics, unknown football club

Recommended post-Games use: Should become the home of Leyton Orient, with the running track retained under deployable seats.

Aquatics Centre

Used for: Swimming, synchronised swimming, diving, modern pentathlon swimming portion

Actual post-Games use: Swimming

Recommended post-Games use: Swimming, plus remote controlled motorboat races.

Basketball Arena

Used for: Basketball, handball

Actual post-Games use: To be dismantled

Recommended post-Games use: Replacement tenting for Denver International Airport.

Copper Box

Used for: Handball, modern pentathlon swimming portion

Actual post-Games use: Basketball, various indoor sports

Recommended post-Games use: Should be the exclusive home of British Handball. Also, British copper reserves.

Riverbank Arena

Used for: Field hockey

Actual post-Games use: Field hockey [to be moved to Leyton]

Recommended post-Games use: Field hockey, field curling, figure rollerblading.

Velodrome and BMX track

Used for: Track cycling, BMX cycling

Actual post-Games use: Track cycling, BMX cycling [mountain bike track, road cycling track to be added]

Recommended post-Games use: Same as above. On noncompetition days, mountain bike track may also be used as a test area for Beagle 3, the UK’s next mission to Mars.

Water Polo Arena

Used for: Water polo

Actual post-Games use: To be dismantled

Recommended post-Games use: Launch into space and use as an inflatable habitation module on the Moon. [Lunar water polo optional.]

REST OF LONDON

Earls Court

Used for: Volleyball

Actual post-Games use: Whatever

Recommended post-Games use: In addition to the existing whatever, should be used for an all new Chocolate and Confectionery Exhibition. It has been far too long.

Exhibition Centre London

Used for: Boxing, fencing, judo, table tennis, taekwondo, weightlifting, wrestling

Actual post-Games use: Convention centre

Recommended post-Games use: Comic Con 2013! You know you want it, London!

Greenwich Park

Used for: Equestrian, modern pentathlon equestrian and combined portions

Actual post-Games use: Park

Recommended post-Games use: Park.

Hampton Court Palace

Used for: Road cycling

Actual post-Games use: Historic site and tourist venue

Recommended post-Games use: Tear it down. It’s old, and it’s an eyesore. And who’s that Henry Eight guy?

Horse Guards Parade

Used for: Beach volleyball

Actual post-Games use: Parade ground

Recommended post-Games use: The world’s first ever beach volleyball parades.

Hyde Park

Used for: Triathlon, marathon swimming

Actual post-Games use: Park

Recommended post-Games use: Park. But can we finally do something about that corner where everybody talks on and on and on about things that make no sense? At least put it on Fox News.

Lord’s Cricket Ground

Used for: Archery

Actual post-Games use: Cricket

Recommended post-Games use: Let’s combine cricket and archery to make one awesome new sport: archericket.

Mall

Used for: Marathon, race walking, road cycling

Actual post-Games use: Motorcade street

Recommended post-Games use: Instead of a motorcade, visiting heads of state should have to run a marathon before meeting the Queen.

North Greenwich Arena

Used for: Basketball, gymnastics, trampoline

Actual post-Games use: Sporting events, concerts

Recommended post-Games use: Home of the World Bank Robbery Championships.

Royal Artillery Barracks

Used for: Shooting

Actual post-Games use: To be dismantled

Recommended post-Games use: The temporary ranges should be rebuilt near something all British would like to shoot at: the “France 21 Miles” signs in Dover.

Wembley Arena

Used for: Badminton, rhythmic gymnastics

Actual post-Games use: Sporting events, concerts

Recommended post-Games use: The famous Courts 2 and 3 should be marked on the floor for all eternity. Visiting tourists should be able to have their photographs taken next to plaques reading “On this spot, badminton players from China PR and Korea Rep served into the net six consecutive times” and “Korea Rep coach begged for the black card to be rescinded here”.

Wembley Stadium

Used for: Football

Actual post-Games use: Football, rugby

Recommended post-Games use: Wembley Stadium? What’s that? What important events have ever been held there?

Wimbledon

Used for: Tennis

Actual post-Games use: Tennis

Recommended post-Games use: Wimbledon? What’s that? What important events have ever been held there?

REST OF UNITED KINGDOM

Box Hill

Used for: Road cycling

Actual post-Games use: Special Area of Conservation

Recommended post-Games use: More conservation.

City of Coventry Stadium, Hampden Park, Millennium Stadium, Old Trafford, St James’s Park

Used for: Football

Actual post-Games use: More football, and occasional rugby

Recommended post-Games use: Even more football, and even more rugby.

Eton Dorney

Used for: Rowing, sprint canoe/​kayak

Actual post-Games use: Rowing

Recommended post-Games use: Rowing, plus remote controlled submarine races.

Hadleigh Farm

Used for: Mountain biking

Actual post-Games use: None

Recommended post-Games use: Needs a forest. You can’t have a mountain biking course without a forest.

Lee Valley White Water Centre

Used for: Canoe/​kayak slalom

Actual post-Games use: Canoe/​kayak slalom

Recommended post-Games use: Canoe/​kayak slalom, plus the new home of the British Palindrome Brotherhood.

Weymouth and Portland

Used for: Sailing

Actual post-Games use: Sailing

Recommended post-Games use: The docks should be kept so that sailing may continue to be held, but paddleboats should also be made available.

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