WEEKLY WHINE
The 2012 Summer Olympics are over, with the Paralympics soon to begin. After that, though, what will happen to the many venues used for this sporting festival? Join us now as we begin to help London emerge from its post Olympic hangover.
Used for: Ceremonies, athletics
Actual post-Games use: Athletics, unknown football club
Recommended post-Games use: Should become the home of Leyton Orient, with the running track retained under deployable seats.
Used for: Swimming, synchronised swimming, diving, modern pentathlon swimming portion
Actual post-Games use: Swimming
Recommended post-Games use: Swimming, plus remote controlled motorboat races.
Used for: Basketball, handball
Actual post-Games use: To be dismantled
Recommended post-Games use: Replacement tenting for Denver International Airport.
Used for: Handball, modern pentathlon swimming portion
Actual post-Games use: Basketball, various indoor sports
Recommended post-Games use: Should be the exclusive home of British Handball. Also, British copper reserves.
Used for: Field hockey
Actual post-Games use: Field hockey [to be moved to Leyton]
Recommended post-Games use: Field hockey, field curling, figure rollerblading.
Used for: Track cycling, BMX cycling
Actual post-Games use: Track cycling, BMX cycling [mountain bike track, road cycling track to be added]
Recommended post-Games use: Same as above. On noncompetition days, mountain bike track may also be used as a test area for Beagle 3, the UK’s next mission to Mars.
Used for: Water polo
Actual post-Games use: To be dismantled
Recommended post-Games use: Launch into space and use as an inflatable habitation module on the Moon. [Lunar water polo optional.]
Used for: Volleyball
Actual post-Games use: Whatever
Recommended post-Games use: In addition to the existing whatever, should be used for an all new Chocolate and Confectionery Exhibition. It has been far too long.
Used for: Boxing, fencing, judo, table tennis, taekwondo, weightlifting, wrestling
Actual post-Games use: Convention centre
Recommended post-Games use: Comic Con 2013! You know you want it, London!
Used for: Equestrian, modern pentathlon equestrian and combined portions
Actual post-Games use: Park
Recommended post-Games use: Park.
Used for: Road cycling
Actual post-Games use: Historic site and tourist venue
Recommended post-Games use: Tear it down. It’s old, and it’s an eyesore. And who’s that Henry Eight guy?
Used for: Beach volleyball
Actual post-Games use: Parade ground
Recommended post-Games use: The world’s first ever beach volleyball parades.
Used for: Triathlon, marathon swimming
Actual post-Games use: Park
Recommended post-Games use: Park. But can we finally do something about that corner where everybody talks on and on and on about things that make no sense? At least put it on Fox News.
Used for: Archery
Actual post-Games use: Cricket
Recommended post-Games use: Let’s combine cricket and archery to make one awesome new sport: archericket.
Used for: Marathon, race walking, road cycling
Actual post-Games use: Motorcade street
Recommended post-Games use: Instead of a motorcade, visiting heads of state should have to run a marathon before meeting the Queen.
Used for: Basketball, gymnastics, trampoline
Actual post-Games use: Sporting events, concerts
Recommended post-Games use: Home of the World Bank Robbery Championships.
Used for: Shooting
Actual post-Games use: To be dismantled
Recommended post-Games use: The temporary ranges should be rebuilt near something all British would like to shoot at: the “France 21 Miles” signs in Dover.
Used for: Badminton, rhythmic gymnastics
Actual post-Games use: Sporting events, concerts
Recommended post-Games use: The famous Courts 2 and 3 should be marked on the floor for all eternity. Visiting tourists should be able to have their photographs taken next to plaques reading “On this spot, badminton players from China PR and Korea Rep served into the net six consecutive times” and “Korea Rep coach begged for the black card to be rescinded here”.
Used for: Football
Actual post-Games use: Football, rugby
Recommended post-Games use: Wembley Stadium? What’s that? What important events have ever been held there?
Used for: Tennis
Actual post-Games use: Tennis
Recommended post-Games use: Wimbledon? What’s that? What important events have ever been held there?
Used for: Road cycling
Actual post-Games use: Special Area of Conservation
Recommended post-Games use: More conservation.
Used for: Football
Actual post-Games use: More football, and occasional rugby
Recommended post-Games use: Even more football, and even more rugby.
Used for: Rowing, sprint canoe/kayak
Actual post-Games use: Rowing
Recommended post-Games use: Rowing, plus remote controlled submarine races.
Used for: Mountain biking
Actual post-Games use: None
Recommended post-Games use: Needs a forest. You can’t have a mountain biking course without a forest.
Used for: Canoe/kayak slalom
Actual post-Games use: Canoe/kayak slalom
Recommended post-Games use: Canoe/kayak slalom, plus the new home of the British Palindrome Brotherhood.
Used for: Sailing
Actual post-Games use: Sailing
Recommended post-Games use: The docks should be kept so that sailing may continue to be held, but paddleboats should also be made available.
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