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Stump Edvard and win a gold medal

Every four years, the entire world stops to watch the Olympics.

Except for the host city. It stops because of all the traffic.

Anyway, over the course of the many Olympic events, millions of decisions are made by thousands of athletes, coaches, referees, umpires, administrators, support staff, sign holders for the gymnastic teams, ball kids, kids who wipe the sweat from the basketball court, and kids who hold the hands of the footballers as they walk out during the FIFA anthem.

It is natural that some of the people who made these decisions might occasionally have second thoughts about what they decided. But it is not natural that these people would seek guidance from someone with absolutely no Olympic experience whatsoever, except for that one time when he was at the Athens Olympics and saw Inge de Bruijn getting out of a cab, and she looked right at him and totally smiled at him.

Yes, it’s “Dynamite Eating” Edvard van de Kamp. He has received requests for assistance from many people who have been participating in the current Olympic Games being held in London, England, UK. In some cases, he simply responded directly to that person. But in other cases, he has selected the individual’s question to be shown to the world so that you may know exactly what some of the most important figures in the sporting world are thinking.

If anything, of course.

Dear Edvard: On occasion, a judo match ends in a draw, and so the result is determined on the judges’ decision. But if the judges make a clearly incorrect decision, should we in the federation allow it to stand, or should we intervene and therefore leave ourselves open to accusations that we are trying to influence the outcomes of matches?

– Jean-Luc Rouge
Paris, France

Dear Jean-Luc: You should not interfere. The impartiality and authority of the match officials is much more important, even when they decide – to use a totally hypothetical example – that Thierry Henry didn’t use his hand to keep that ball in play.

Dear Edvard: I just completed my participation in the 2012 Olympics. I had said earlier that I would not participate in the 2016 Olympics, but now that this year’s Games are over for me, I’m starting to have second thoughts. Should I retire or continue competing?

– Michael Phelps
Baltimore, MD, USA

Dear Michael: You should retire. After all, you are clearly not the swimmer you once were. Silver in the 200m butterfly? That’s really the best you can do?

Dear Edvard: I want to tweet about my experiences at the Olympics, but several other competitors have already been disciplined for things that they tweeted. What kinds of things are not acceptable to tweet?

– An Olympic Athlete
London, England, UK

Dear An: Good things to tweet include:

  • Pictures of yourself with other athletes
  • Descriptions of the sights you visit on off days
  • Excited summaries of your successes
  • Candid summaries of your failures

Bad things to tweet include:

  • Pictures of yourself with other athletes wielding guns, unless you are competing in the shooting events
  • Criticisms of your teammates
  • Criticisms of the food [the chef may be reading, and there are any number of things he or she might do to your next meal]
  • Anything with an ethnic group or nationality along with an adjective, a graphic phrase, or the name of a virus

Dear Edvard: I oversee the badminton competitions at the 2012 Olympics. Twice during one session of women’s doubles group matches, the referees advised me that both teams appeared to not be making their best effort to win. Ultimately, all four teams concerned were disqualified from the competition, but I still wonder whether adding a group stage to the competition was really the appropriate decision. Should we retain the group stage, or revert to a simple elimination format?

– Torsten Berg
Hillerod, Denmark

Dear Torsten: You should keep the group phase, because it guarantees all participants at least three matches. Under an elimination format, fifty percent of teams are out of the competition after just one match. But to reduce the incentive to throw matches, the brackets for the elimination phase should be drawn randomly after the group phase is completed.

You should also get serious about match fixing. When you showed the black card to the Korea Rep and Indonesia teams, instead of allowing the players and coaches to talk you into rescinding it, you should have said, “Yo, we already gave you, like, three warnings. Forgive me for being skeptical at your assertion that the fourth warning is the one that will change your mind.”

Dear Edvard: Is there crying in fencing?

– Shin A Lam
Seoul, Korea Rep

Dear Shin: Sure. However, if you must wait upwards of an hour for a judgement on your appeal and cannot leave the piste because that would be interpreted as acceptance of the judge’s decision, and you feel like a cry is imminent, may I suggest leaving your fencing mask on.

Dear Edvard: I accused London of designing an Olympic logo that spells out “Zion”. Is that really what it looks like, or am I just seeing things?

– Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Tehran, Iran

Dear Mahmoud: You are just seeing things. You should apologise to British prime minister David Cameron. The logo actually looks like Lisa Simpson giving a blowjob.

Dear Edvard: Should Great Britain field football teams for future Olympic tournaments?

– Stuart Pearce
London, England, UK

Dear Stuart: Yes, with the following caveats. The home nations continue to field their own squads as they always have. However, if one of the home nations qualifies for the Olympic tournament, that home nation’s FA is responsible for fielding the squad to represent Great Britain. Players from other home nations may be selected at the discretion of that FA.

Dear Edvard: That seems like a perfectly rational solution that respects the home nations’ footballing independence. Why must the home nations carry on with the charade that it threatens their independence?

– Hope Powell
London, England, UK

Dear Hope: Because they’re dumb.