These Olympic Games were fun.
Yes, even for you, Spain’s male footballers.
But really, what would you expect from the city that gave us a skydiving monarch, hospital beds spelling out GOSH [which is less funny if you realise that it is meant to represent Great Ormond Street Hospital], a tweet to the stadium, and enough confetti for the entire population of Earth? So join us now as we reward the best and punish the worst of these Olympic Games.
Note: Although it has been some time since the completion of the Olympic Games, we felt it was appropriate to show our results now because you have surely forgotten about all these athletes.
Roger FEDERER and Juan Martin DEL POTRO, men’s singles tennis
Reg says: Federer and Del Potro played an astounding semifinal match at Wimbledon. The second set lasted over an hour, and the decisive third set carried on for nearly three hours as neither player was able to break service. But Federer finally won three consecutive games to complete the win, 3-6, 7-6 [7-5], 19-17. Federer eventually lost the gold medal match to Andy Murray, and Del Potro won bronze.
Women’s individual épee, fencing
Reg says: It was strange enough to see the referee restart the semifinal bout between Korea Rep’s Shin A Lam and Germany’s Britta Heidemann four times in the last second of extra time. But it was infuriating to see Shin have to remain on the piste for more than seventy minutes while her appeal was considered; stepping off is considered acceptance of the final result. Regardless of whether the timekeeping rules are changed or not, the tournament must be allowed to continue, and competitors must be allowed to at least use the bathroom, during appeals.
Deb says: After swimming 1.5 km, cycling 43 km, and running 10 km, there was no separating Switzerland’s Nicola Spirig and Sweden’s Lisa Norden, except with a high speed camera. Spirig was leading during the last fifty metres, but Norden finished strong and nearly overtook Spirig at the line. Both finished in 1:59:48, but Spirig crossed a few milliseconds ahead of Norden. It was an epically epic finish.
Valeria SOROKINA and Nina VISLOVA, Russia
Reg says: Sorokina and Vislova, along with Canada’s Alex Bruce and Michele Li, were awarded a place in the quarterfinals of the women’s doubles badminton competition after the Yu/Wang and Jung/Kim teams were disqualified. Both teams made the most of it as they reached the semifinals. Sorokina and Vislova then defeated Bruce and Li for the bronze medal.
Usain BOLT, Jamaica
Amber Lynn says: Bolt is the greatest athlete ever to come out of Jamaica, and maybe the entire Caribbean. Having completed a double double in the 100 m and 200 m running, plus his 4 × 100 m team’s world record, clearly he needs a new challenge: modern pentathlon. Honourable mention to the US’s Misty May and Kerri Walsh, who have won gold in women’s beach volleyball three consecutive times and are also in need of a new challenge: mud volleyball.
Hamadou DJIBO ISSAKA, Niger
Amber Lynn says: Djibo Issaka finished last in the men’s single sculls. But first in our hearts. And twelfth in our elbows. And third in our gall bladders. And seventh in our epiglottises.
Stephan FECK, Germany
Deb says: Feck, in his second dive of the 3 m springboard competition, attempted a forward 3½ somersault from the pike position. That is not what he ended up doing. He performed a third, somewhat more successful, dive but then withdrew from the competition. So I guess you could call this a catastro-Feck-up.
Debbie says: Oh my fucking god.
Deb says: Don’t you mean “Fecking” god?
Debbie says: Hey, lay off him. He needs to unwind. Let him go back to the Olympic village, get completely Fecking wasted, and Feck another athlete all night.
Football teams, Great Britain
Amber Lynn says: It’s mind boggling, isn’t it? Every match involving Great Britain’s men’s squad, and the women’s match with Brazil, had an attendance upwards of 70,000. And yet the home nations have no interest in cooperating to try to qualify for Rio 2016. Seriously, just use Edvard’s proposal and be done with it.
Human athletes, equestrian
Deb says: Why was the individual dressage gold medal awarded to Charlotte Dujardin of Great Britain? We all know it was Valegro who did all the work.
Wen Jialuen says: Won’t it be so awesome when centaurs do the dressage?
Amber Lynn says: How about centaur swimming? Or centaur gymnastics?
Deb says: I’ll tell you what I want to see. Centaur equestrian: a centaur riding a horse.
Wen Jialuen says: Dude. You totally just blew my mind.
Bolade APITHY, France
Debbie says: I know this fencer is supposed to have the best name out of all the Olympians, but I just can’t make myself feel strongly about him one way or the other. Honourable mention to Canada’s team of female badmintoners, Alex Bruce and Michele Li, collectively better known as Bruce Li.
XIN Xin, China PR
Debbie says: With such an unimaginative name, you should not be surprised that she finished last in her heat in the women’s 800 m freestyle swimming competition. Dishonourable mention to China PR badmintoner Wang Xiaoli. By now we’ve all seen her shirt with “Wang XL” on the back. But please also feel bad for China PR sailer Wang Xiaoli, who did not try to sail her 470 into the net but is still inextricably linked to that scandal.
Tie: ZHANG Lei, China PR; ZHANG Lei, China PR; and ZHANG Lei, China PR
Debbie says: Which is funnier: that China PR has three athletes named Zhang Lei, or that not all of them are the same gender? One is a female water poloer, one is a female volleyballer, and the other is a male track cyclist.
Ysis SONKENG, Cameroon
Reg says: There was only one own goal in all the football matches played at these Olympics, as Sonkeng deflected a cross from New Zealand’s Rosie White past her own goalkeeper. Sorry, Ysis.
Gabby DOUGLAS’s hair, United States
Deb says: Does she straighten her hair? If so, does that represent an abandonment of her culture? Nobody cares, and it’s not just because she is a gold medallist. Dishonourable mention to whether Jacques Rogge believes Usain Bolt is or isn’t the best sprinter in the history of the Universe.
Debbie says: So... wait. Jumping off a platform, doing twists and somersaults in midair, and trying to enter a pool without splashing weren’t enough for you? Now you also want a friend to do it with you, and you want to be judged on how closely the two of you are coordinated? Add a cannonball round to the mix, and we might show up.
YU Yang and WANG Xiaoli, China PR; JUNG Kyun Eun and KIM Ha Na, Korea Rep; HA Jung Eun and KIM Min Jung, Korea Rep; Meiliana JAUHARI and Greysia POLII, Indonesia
Amber Lynn says: Well, you could blame the coaches, you could blame the players, or you could blame the format. But one thing is for certain: This scandal really put the “bad” in “badminton”.
Debbie says: Boooo! Off! Off! Off! Off!
Reg says: I’m giving you a black card for that pun.
Amber Lynn says: What? You can’t! One more chance, please!
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