WEEKLY WHINE

How to become a dude who parties on

As you know, we here at GoobNet enjoy horoscopes. They’re fucking hilarious.

As an example, take this line from today’s Chinese horoscope for the dragon on Yahoo: “You have the ability to show a different side, one that can win you many more fans.”

What is so strange about that? Nothing. It’s completely normal. In fact, it’s so normal that it’s common to everybody. Everybody can show any number of sides, and anybody can win more fans. Especially Alex Rodriguez.

Anyway, the date and time of your birth have nothing to do with the way your life will turn out. Clearly, your future is dependent only on which bizarre 1980s science fiction film is your favourite.

Remember: Some bizarre 1980s science fiction films did not make the cut. Also receiving votes were Scanners, The Brother from Another Planet, Firestarter, My Stepmother Is an Alien, Night of the Comet, Heavy Metal, Innerspace, and even Flight of the Navigator. If one of these is your favourite bizarre 1980s science fiction film, your future is indeterminate.

THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI ACROSS THE 8TH DIMENSION
Bowling is a fun activity, but for Buckarooians today, bowling would be a severe mistake. Instead, you should concentrate your efforts on something that is more reasonable for a person in your position, such as rice dancing. Unless rice dancing hasn’t been invented yet, in which case you should totally invent it.

TIME BANDITS
You will have an unsuccessful day. We’re still trying to work out why that is, but we think it has something to do with the dynamic approach occurring this week between Terry Gilliam and a box of Uncle Ben’s rice.

REPO MAN
Does life get you down sometimes? If your answer was “What do you mean sometimes?”, you should improve your lot in life. And there’s no better way to do that than to blow up your sock drawer.

THE RUNNING MAN
You will have an exciting day. Objects will be thrown at you nine times today. You should make an effort to catch at least three of them. Your lucky magazine is Muscle Development.

STARMAN
The Voyager Golden Record is entering Cassiopeia today, and this will result in big trouble for all Starmanians. To avoid the potential for fuckups today, you should get a helium balloon or two. Your lucky element is, accordingly, helium.

REAL GENIUS
Your longest day of the year is today. You might ask how that is mathematically possible, given that all days are by definition the same length, excepting leap seconds. The answer, clearly, is: Shut up.

EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY
The Universe is big. You are very small by comparison. Your lucky fur colour is blue.

THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS
Today is a good day to go around asking everyone to repeat what they said, just in case you misunderstand. You will be disappointed when you discover that you in fact have heard everyone just fine the first time, but avoid the urge to stop asking everyone to repeat what they said. On one occasion tonight, you will think you heard someone just fine the first time, but make absolutely sure that you ask that person to repeat what he or she said. If you don’t, you could miss out on sleeping with someone with whom you totally wanted to sleep. Or worse, you could sleep with someone with whom you totally didn’t want to sleep.

BILL AND TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE
Your life has continually been hampered by people who are not excellent to each other. Your lucky number is not sixty nine, so stop thinking about it.

BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
Look out your window and find something to ride. Go ahead. Look now. How about that skateboard? Yeah, just ask that teenaged girl if you can borrow it. No, not that girl! Are you insane? The big girl with the orange spiky hair? She’ll slice you to ribbons! No, borrow the other skateboard, the one from the girl with the long fingerless gloves. Then when you don’t come back and return it, she’ll go home, throw her pillows, cry into her pillows, and finally get her release the way she always does, by cutting herself.

WEIRD SCIENCE
Your tomorrow will be much better than your today, just as the television series of Weird Science was much better than the film.

VIDEODROME
You will have a difficult day today, but that’s mostly because of your old flesh. You should totally leave it behind.

HOWARD THE DUCK
Your day will be filled with adventure and excitement, but with only scant mention of the existential implications of all the adventurous and exciting events with which your day will be filled.

SHORT CIRCUIT
What was the difference between this and Batteries Not Included, anyway?

THE FLY
Driving an automobile is a fun activity, but it can also result in other unwanted side effects. In extreme cases, it can even result in people becoming no longer alive. Your lucky gear is that one that feels kind of funny when you first shift into it, but then after that it works fine, and you’re not quite sure why it felt kind of funny. Your lucky actor is Jeff Goldblum, who, with three appearances on this list, is hereby crowned as the King of Bizarre 1980s Science Fiction Films.

CHERRY 2000
Today is a good day to have a sandwich, especially if it’s pretty inside.