WEEKLY WHINE

Historic broadcasts

Thank you for participating in last week’s Super Bowl.

You may believe that you did not participate in last week’s Super Bowl. But the fact is that everyone who watches an event becomes a participant in that event. After all, more than half a billion people walked on the Moon on MON 21 JUL 1969.

And because you were a participant in last week’s Super Bowl, the light failure was obviously your fault. Please try to do better at future Super Bowls.

Anyway, you may recall that we broadcast many hilarious advertisements during that game. We received a number of questions, comments, and complaints about them, and we are now going to show a sampling of them along with our responses. This requires opening the GoobNet Mailbox, a dangerous act that could result in the destruction of large portions of your living room. Please move your most treasured possessions into the corner.

Wait, no! Not that corner! That’s the one that’s going to be destroyed! The other corner! Yeah, that one. There you go. That’s good. Ready? Here we go.

Oh. Sorry, turns out it was that corner. That’s okay. You can always find another copy of that movie. They haven’t exactly been flying off the shelves. Seriously, that is your most treasured possession? We tell you to protect the things you own, and you’re like, “Yeah, this movie is so important to me! I’d better protect it!”? I mean, it wasn’t even in that actor’s top ten for his career. What would make you think that movie is so great, anyway?

I found those commercials about celebrities showering together highly offensive. Don’t you know that there are children watching the Super Bowl? What are they going to think?

– Bradley Ameebah
Macon, GA, USA

Our projection was that they would think the following: “That’s a cool contest. I have an idea for the uniform of my favourite sporting team. I should submit it!” Remember, the point of that advert was to notify viewers that we have a contest for proposed team uniform designs. Miley, Taylor, Nick, and Harry were merely second prizes.

How much did the commercial with Rihanna cost?

– Aaron Springs
Bridgetown, Barbados

Well, it was certainly expensive. We not only had to pay for the treatment of her paper cut, we also had to compensate her for the lost revenue due to all the shows she had to cancel because of the paper cut.

Thanks for using the PlanEx commercial. More specifically, thanks for the royalty check that I assume is in the mail. And if it’s not, I’m going to go to Applied Cryogenics and unfreeze That Guy to oversee a hostile takeover of your company.

– Aaron Ehasz
Los Angeles, CA, USA

You are welcome. Also, Reg says we shouldn’t worry about That Guy. We should let him worry about blank.

Why does GoobNet need to advertise, anyway? Isn’t it already the leading website of its kind?

– McAira Monroe
Westburg, PA, USA

Is this guy a shark or what?

I thoroughly enjoyed the broadcast of the Super Bowl, although many of the commercials were disappointing. I did not see your commercials, though. Why not?

– Lisa Raindon
Cailness, OR, USA

There was a slight technical problem in that none of the advertisements reached CBS in time for the broadcast. We are currently investigating the cause of this problem. At the moment, the most likely cause is that they were never actually made.

I was against high speed trains, but then I saw Betty White speaking in favour of them. And I said to myself, “That’s the smartest thing I’ve ever heard anyone say about anything!”

– Jerome A Bennbatter
North Macon, GA, USA

Sorry, we’re doing Futurama references this week.

I think the implication that I would collaborate with Nick Jonas was inappropriate and ill advised. I certainly have a great deal of professional respect for him, and there may be opportunities for the two of us to come together in the future. But I am currently not in a position to work hard with him at this time.

– Harry Styles
London, England, UK

Millions of homosexual male and heterosexual female entrants are disappointed.

I have an idea for the uniform of Cardiff City FC. They should wear red shirts.

– Vincent Tan
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Go away.