Not a joke, a sales campaign

[INT: Studio J in Atlanta, GA, USA. From left, Shaquille O’Neal, Ernie Johnson, Kenny Smith, and Charles Barkley are seated at the table.]

Ernie: Everyone all set?

Kenny: Yep.

Shaquille: You bet.

Ernie: [touches cufflink] So what’s this commercial for?

Charles: [holding tablet] GoobNet!

Ernie: What’s that?

Charles: It’s a website!

Kenny: What they got on there, Chuck?

Charles: Weekly Whines!

Shaquille: What’s that?

Charles: It’s where they whine about something every week.

Ernie: Are they any good?

Charles: Not really. But they got a bunch of them. Like, seven hundred.

Kenny: What else they got?

Charles: They got munbers!

Kenny: They got what?

Charles: It’s a mathematical thing.

Kenny: [laughing] A mathematical thing?

Charles: Yeah. It can be equal to more than one number at a time.

Kenny: So, like, it could be equal to the number of championships you won?

Ernie: [laughing]

Charles: Come on, man.

Kenny: No, I’m just wondering. And it could also be equal to the number of championships that, say, Joe Flacco’s won? Then what would it be?

Shaquille: Those would compute out to zero and one.

Kenny: Really? You know, that’s a doctor saying that.

Ernie: [laughing] Ohhhh.

Charles: [laughing] Y’all are killing me, man.

Kenny: What else they got on there?

Charles: They got football!

Kenny: That’s good.

Charles: Oh, wait. It’s soccer. They talking about soccer. How come they don’t just say soccer?

Kenny: Maybe they’re British.

Charles: They’re not British. They got a editor from Kansas City. And they got that other girl from Florida.

Ernie: Who’s that?

Charles: You know. Amber Lynn.

Kenny: Florida? She’s from Texas!

Charles: No, she from Florida! See! [hands tablet to Kenny] Here’s that one thing they did when they picked her up! They was in Florida!

Kenny: Yeah, but they picked her up in Texas! Look! [shows tablet to Charles]

Charles: Oh, yeah. It was Texas. But they was going to Florida.

Kenny: But that’s not where she’s from! You said she was from Florida!

Shaquille: Too bad it’s not a munber. It could be equal to both of them.

[Graphic on screen, in style of chalkboard. Heading reads GEOGRAPHY 101 WITH PROFESSOR CHUCK. Beneath heading are outlines of Texas and Florida, with equals sign in between.]

Ernie: [OS; laughing] Here it is. A geography lesson from Professor Chuck.

Kenny: [OS; laughing] Look, there it is! Texas equals Florida! As proven by Professor Chuck!

Shaquille: [OS] Brilliant thesis, Professor. I see a Nobel Prize in your future.

Charles: [OS] Killing me. Y’all are killing me.

[INT: Living room. Rihanna is seated on a couch, holding a stack of cue cards facing the camera. She drops one at a time, revealing the next card each time.]

First Card: [HI. I’M RIHANNA, FLIPPING FOR GOOBNET.]

Second Card: [NORMALLY, I WOULD SAY “SPEAKING FOR GOOBNET”.]

Third Card: [BUT I WON’T BE SPEAKING IN THIS COMMERCIAL.]

Fourth Card: [YOU SEE, GOOBNET IS PAYING ME A LOT OF MONEY TO APPEAR IN THIS COMMERCIAL.]

Fifth Card: [BUT THEY STILL CAN’T AFFORD WHAT I CHARGE TO SPEAK IN A COMMERCIAL.]

Sixth Card: [SO INSTEAD, I’M GOING TO SHOW YOU A CARD THAT SAYS GOOBNET IS AWESOME.]

Seventh Card: [GOOBNET IS AWESOME.]

Eighth Card: [SEE? TOLD YOU.]

Ninth Card: [WELL, THAT’S ALL I HAD.]

Tenth Card: [THANKS, AND ENJOY THE REST OF THE GAME.]

Rihanna: [while dropping last card] Aah! Paper cut! [puts thumb in mouth]

Reg: [OS] God dammit, Rihanna!

[INT: Bathroom. Throughout commercial, slow track in on shower doors, which are fogged up.]

[FX: Shower running.]

Male Announcer: [VO] GoobNet is pleased to announce a special contest.

Female Voice 1: [OS] Oh, that’s so good!

Male Announcer: [VO] Simply submit a drawing of your idea for the uniform of any sporting team.

Female Voice 2: [OS] Ohhh, do that again! Ohhhh, yes!

[Handprint momentarily appears on inside of shower door.]

Male Announcer: [VO] We will select our favourite design and put it on the field, court, or playing surface.

[Assprint momentarily appears on inside of shower door.]

Female Voice 2: [OS] Oww!

Female Voice 1: [OS] Oh, sorry! Did I hurt you!

Female Voice 2: [OS] Yeah. Do it again!

[Assprint momentarily appears on inside of shower door.]

Female Voice 2: [OS] Oww!

Female Voice 1: [OS] Sorry!

Female Voice 2: [OS] No, no, that’s great! I love that! Keep doing that!

[Assprint appears on inside of shower door, longer this time.]

Female Voice 2: [OS] Oww!

Male Announcer: [VO] A second place winner will receive a visit to their house by Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift, who will totally do it in your shower.

Female Voice 1: [OS] Aaaaahh! Ohhhh! Ohhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhh!

Male Announcer: [VO] Entries must be received by tomorrow at 23:59 UTC. Void where prohibited. Send your entries to GoobNet Enterprises, Inc. That’s right, just address it GoobNet Enterprises, Inc. It will get to us. We promise. Announced second place prize available for heterosexual male or homosexual female entrants. An alternate second place prize will be made available for homosexual male or heterosexual female entrants. Sorry, no CODs.

Female Voice 1: [OS] Oh, that was terrific. Now turn around.

Female Voice 2: [OS] Why? What are you doing with that bottle of Nair?

[Not really a commercial. Just a reairing of the PlanEx commercial from Futurama. You know, the spoof of the Apple 1984 commercial. Where the chick chucks the box at the screen with Mom on it. And then the guy goes, “Hey! We were watching that!” Yeah, that one. That one was totally awesome. And we’re going to air it just like that. No GoobNet logo or anything. Just thirty seconds borrowed directly from Futurama. With Matt Groening and David X Cohen’s permission, of course. But they’re totally going to grant it. Why wouldn’t they?]

[INT: Bathroom. Throughout commercial, slow track in on shower doors, which are fogged up.]

[FX: Shower running.]

Female Announcer: [VO] GoobNet is pleased to announce a special contest.

Male Voice 1: [OS] Oh, that’s so good!

Female Announcer: [VO] Simply submit a drawing of your idea for the uniform of any sporting team.

Male Voice 2: [OS] Ohhh, do that again! Ohhhh, yes!

[Handprint momentarily appears on inside of shower door.]

Female Announcer: [VO] We will select our favourite design and put it on the field, court, or playing surface.

[Assprint momentarily appears on inside of shower door.]

Male Voice 2: [OS] Oww!

Male Voice 1: [OS] Oh, sorry! Did I hurt you!

Male Voice 2: [OS] Yeah. Do it again!

[Assprint momentarily appears on inside of shower door.]

Male Voice 2: [OS] Oww!

Male Voice 1: [OS] Sorry!

Male Voice 2: [OS] No, no, that’s great! I love that! Keep doing that!

[Assprint appears on inside of shower door, longer this time.]

Male Voice 2: [OS] Oww!

Female Announcer: [VO] A second place winner will receive a visit to their house by Nick Jonas and Harry Styles, who will totally do it in your shower.

Male Voice 1: [OS] Aaaaahh! Ohhhh! Ohhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhh!

Female Announcer: [VO] Entries must be received by tomorrow at 23:59 UTC. Void where prohibited. Send your entries to GoobNet Enterprises, Inc. That’s right, just address it GoobNet Enterprises, Inc. It will get to us. We promise. Announced second place prize available for homosexual male or heterosexual female entrants. An alternate second place prize will be made available for heterosexual male or homosexual female entrants. Sorry, no CODs.

Male Voice 1: [OS] Oh, that was terrific. Now turn around.

Male Voice 2: [OS] Why? What are you doing with that insulin pump?

[EXT: Intersection between the 710 and 91 freeways in Los Angeles, CA, USA. Vehicles are backed up in all directions as far as the eye can see. Suddenly, a train whooshes along the 91 at a very high speed. Drivers see an assprint in one window.]

[Cut to INT: Train car. Camera tracks forward along aisle.]

Betty: [OS] Ha ha ha! How’s that feel, suckers! Enjoy your endless traffic jams!

[Betty White becomes visible around seat back.]

Betty: Oh, hello! Betty White here for... just a moment. [disappears momentarily around seat back] Come on, you... ow! Why do they make them so tight these days? There it goes. [reappears] Hi, I’m Betty White for GoobNet. Did you know that traffic in our cities is just getting worse and worse? Did you know that at this rate, by 2040 there will be more cars in the United States than ants? It’s true. Well, the people at GoobNet have a plan.

[Graphic on screen: Map of GoobNet’s Highly Effective Accelerated Railway Transit for Accessing National Destinations with a Special Opportunity to Unify Locations plan]

Betty: [OS] It’s called the Highly Effective Accelerated Railway Transit for Accessing National Destinations with a Special Opportunity to Unify Locations plan. Under their plan, thousands of miles of tracks will be laid down for high speed trains, just like this one. You’ll be able to rush past traffic from one city to another, in comfort and convenience.

[Graphic removed.]

Betty: Plus, it’s much safer than a densely packed freeway where the only thing between you and a horrible collision is the reaction time of the guy behind you. You know, the jackass on his cell phone. Just visit GoobNet to learn more.

[Pause.]

Betty: About the Highly Effective Accelerated Railway Transit for Accessing National Destinations with a Special Opportunity to Unify Locations plan, that is. Not about the jackass on his cell phone. If you want to learn more about him, flip him off and then pull over. You’ll learn whether you can kick his ass or he can kick your ass. Because the more you know.

[Graphic on screen: The More You Know]

[INT: Studio J in Atlanta, GA, USA. From left, Shaquille O’Neal, Ernie Johnson, Kenny Smith, and Charles Barkley are seated at the table.]

Ernie: [touches cufflink] Okay, so what are we on now?

Charles: We doing GoobNet!

Kenny: Didn’t we already do them?

Charles: We doing the follow up commercial now!

Ernie: “Follow up commercial”?

Charles: Yeah. We’re recapping the commercials they ran tonight.

Shaquille: What for? They were awful.

Charles: Yeah. They were turrible. Sorry, GoobNet. Y’all were turrible.

Kenny: [laughing] Talking about them behind their backs now?

Ernie: [laughing] It’s not even behind their backs! It’s in their own commercial!

Shaquille: Well, they were terrible commercials. You have to admit that.

Ernie: Even the Futurama one?

Kenny: What one?

Ernie: You know. The one that was just thirty seconds of footage from Futurama.

Kenny: Which one was that?

Shaquille: The 1984 one.

Ernie: “Hey, we were watching that”?

Charles: Hey, that one was good!

Kenny: That was them?

Ernie: Yes it was.

Charles: No it wasn’t. It was for PlanEx.

Shaquille: That’s from Futurama.

Ernie: That is the name of the company from Futurama. Planet Express.

Charles: Then what are they puttin’ that on for? They shoulda put their name in it!

Ernie: Well, be that as it may, the Ravens have won the Super Bowl. And that means...

[FX: Schussing.]

Kenny: [putting on knit toque] We goin’ skiing!

[Charles puts on ski gloves, Shaquille puts on ski goggles, Ernie puts on earmuffs.]

[Graphic on screen: GONE SKIIN’]

Ernie: [OS] Who we got here, Kenny?

[Graphic on screen: Skiing picture with heads replaced]

Kenny: [OS] There’s Jim Harbaugh!

Charles: [OS] What’s he doing?

Ernie: [OS; laughing] Is he pulling the plug out?

Kenny: [OS] He just didn’t want to use a timeout, that’s all!

Charles: [OS] Almost worked, too!

Kenny: [OS] And we got Beyoncé there. Not lip syncing.

Ernie: [OS] And who’s that falling off the ski lift?

Kenny: [OS] Nancy Pelosi!

Shaquille: [OS] Where’s her plane?

Charles: [OS] She don’t get one no more. She’s not speaker no more.

[Graphic removed.]

Shaquille: So what was your favourite GoobNet commercial, Chuck?

Charles: None o’ em! They all sucked!

Kenny: Even the Futurama one?

Charles: That wasn’t them, though!

Ernie: Sure it was. They paid for it.

Charles: No, if you don’t put your name or your logo in there somewhere, it ain’t your commercial. Because how are people gonna know?

Kenny: They’re paying for it! They can put any damn thing in there they want!

Charles: Not paying enough, if you ask me!

Shaquille: Not enough for Rihanna, either.

Ernie: [laughing] Ohhhh. Well, that’s a wrap for our commercials. We’ll see you Thursday on TNT for Lakers-Celtics and Bulls-Nuggets.

Charles: Congratulations, Ray! You got two of ’em now!