WEEKLY WHINE

Probable papabili

As you know, the Catholic Church is currently without a pope. We here at GoobNet are very interested in the Catholic Church and all of its proceedings, for reasons that have nothing to do with the fact that it is completely archaic and is rapidly being left behind in an evolving world that presents technological challenges and opportunities that could not be dreamed of even thirty years ago. Our interest is also completely unrelated to the clear dereliction of duty shown by the church’s leadership in allowing sexual abuse to occur repeatedly throughout the world, and worse, its active role in actually covering up many such cases.

In any case, every time the papacy is vacated, millions around the world are entranced with the process of the papal conclave, in which those cardinals who were less than 80 years of age at the time the vacancy began gather for a secret election. There is no limit on the duration of the conclave, but the last four elections have been completed in under three days.

So who is going to become the new pope? Will the cardinals elect an older person, or will they look for fresh young blood? Will they look to Latin America or Africa, or will they return to Europe? Will they want a populist leader like John Paul II, a withdrawn, conservative man like Benedict XVI, or an intellectual insider like Pius XII? And what name will the new pope take? Benedict XVII? John Paul III? Innocent XIV? Or will we finally see the most awesome name possible: Pope Lando II?

To find out, we asked some of the most prominent members of the College of Cardinals, including many who are considered amongst the frontrunners to become the next pope. We now present their thoughts and opinions in this special edition of the GoobNet Mailbox: Probable Papabili!

Regretfully, I must inform you that I cannot participate in your upcoming feature on the conclave. I, and all participating cardinals, are sworn to absolute secrecy on this matter.

– Cardinal Christoph Schönborn
Vienna, Austria

That’s too bad. Well, thank you for your response.

On behalf of the Catholic Church, I thank you for your interest in the process of the papal conclave. However, due to the strict provisions of the Universi Dominici Gregis, I am forbidden from commenting public on the election.

– Cardinal Peter Turkson
Cape Coast, Ghana

Oh. Great.

I regret that I cannot speak publicly regarding my opinions on the upcoming papal conclave. I offer my most sincere apologies.

– Cardinal Péter Erdő
Budapest, Hungary

Dammit!

I regret that I am unable to participate in your feature on the upcoming conclave owing to the secrecy rules that are imposed by the Universi Dominici Gregis.

– Cardinal Angelo Scola
Milan, Italy

Maybe we should have read that before we asked all those cardinals for this piece.

I am pleased that you are interested in hearing from several prominent cardinals with respect to the upcoming papal conclave. However, I must inform you that we are all committed to the integrity of the process, and therefore it will not be possible for me, or any cardinal, to provide opinions on the matter.

– Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle
Manila, Philippines

We’ll take that as an “I’m totally voting for Cardinal Turkson”.

I regret that absolute secrecy is required with regard to the upcoming papal conclave, and therefore I am unable to contribute to your feature.

– Cardinal Odilo Pedro Scherer
São Paulo, SP, Brazil

That means Cardinal Bergoglio, right? Bold choice.

Thank you for your interest in the papal conclave to be held by the Catholic Church. Regretfully, I am unable to offer my opinions or to discuss my vote.

– Cardinal Marc Ouellet
Québec City, QC, Canada

Another vote for Cardinal Turkson. Cardinal, please put on your pope hat and straighten your formal vestments.

I am very sorry, but the secrecy rules set out in the Universi Dominici Gregis forbid me from speaking publicly on the process of the papal conclave. Furthermore, based on what I have seen of your Internet site, I am not convinced that you will treat this matter with the decorum and respect with which it should be treated.

– Cardinal Timothy M Dolan
New York City, NY, USA

We’re not treating this with decorum and respect? That is total bullshit.