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I’M GEORGE W BUSH, AND I ENCOURAMINAGE YOU TO VISIT GOOBNET

WEEKLY WHINE

Hot, fresh raisin bread

Deb: Hey everybody! Welcome! This is a special occasion for us. It’s our big celebration of sixteen years of GoobNet!

Amber Lynn: Yaaaay!

Deb: Sixteen years. A lot of you are sitting out there going, “Sixteen years? Is that fucking right?”

Wen: Yeah, it’s old enough to drive.

Deb: It’s a website. What could it drive?

Reg: Me crazy! Ooh! Ooh!

[Pause]

Deb: You crazy?

Edvard: That sounds correct to me.

Deb: Yes. All right, well, another thing that sounds correct is the way we’re celebrating: with a special presentation of Whose Line Is It Anyway!

Amber Lynn: Yaaaay! Again.

Deb: Yes indeed. See previous yaaaay.

Edvard: We were going to do a game show for this, weren’t we?

Deb: What?

Amber Lynn: Dude, Whose Line is a game show.

Edvard: No, I mean, like, Super GoobNetaire or something. Right? What happened to that?

Deb: Fuck you, that’s what happened to it. So, whom have we got this time? She lives in a community, Wen Jialuen!

Wen: [waves]

Deb: He’s got all the knowledge, Reg Goober!

Reg: [nods]

Deb: She can lift and support, Amber Lynn!

Amber Lynn: [waves]

Deb: And, his ass is a novelty, Edvard van de Kamp!

Edvard: Wait, what?

Deb: And me, I have a variety of internal organs, Deb Harratsch!

Edvard: Internal organs?

Deb: Yes, that’s right.

Reg: Rare shoutout for internal organs.

Deb: Yes. Well, you folks know how this goes. We’re going to do some stuff, and all of these guys are going to make up everything, completely out of thin air. I have some suggestions on these cards, which they’ve never seen before, and the audience will have some too. Then I’ll give out points, based on a complex series of criteria that it would take too long to explain here. See full details on our website. Then at the end, I pick a winner, based on a completely different yet equally complex series of criteria. Then that winner participates in a special activity with me, which is very likely going to involve strip Jeopardy!. So, let’s get things going with something called Questions Only. This one is for everyone, starting with... oh, let’s start with Reg and Amber Lynn. They’ll do a scene, but they can only say questions. No statements, or imperatives, or anything like that. Just questions. I’ll hit the buzzer if they make a mistake, and the person behind them comes in and continues the scene. And the scene is: Behind the scenes at the GoobNet sixteenth anniversary party. Behind the scenes at the GoobNet sixteenth anniversary party. So get started when you’re ready.

Reg: Are you ready?

Amber Lynn: For what?

Reg: For the game.

[Buzzer]

Reg: [to Deb] Seriously?

Deb: Come on. Out.

Wen: Does he suck, or what?

Amber Lynn: What makes you think I’d know?

Wen: What do you know?

Amber Lynn: Do you really want to find out?

Wen: What does it cost?

Amber Lynn: What do you have?

Wen: Do you take rice?

Amber Lynn: What kind of rice?

Wen: [mimes holding plate] What kind is this?

Amber Lynn: Are you sure that’s rice?

Wen: What else would it be?

Amber Lynn: Um... cookies?

[Buzzer]

Amber Lynn: That’s kind of a question.

Deb: It’s really not.

Edvard: Who’s the buzzer dominatrix?

Wen: You sure you want to know?

Edvard: Why else would I ask?

Wen: Would you mind being a little less of a prick about it?

Edvard: Am I capable of being less of a prick?

Wen: Could we pretend?

Edvard: Weren’t we supposed to be setting up for a party?

Wen: What’s a party?

Edvard: Do you mean as in celebration or political party?

Wen: What’s a political party?

Edvard: Well, do you know what politics is?

Wen: Shouldn’t that be “are”?

Edvard: Is it Talk Like a Pirate Day already?

Wen: When is it?

Edvard: When’s what?

Wen: Talk Like a Pirate Day.

[Buzzer]

Wen: Aaaah!

Reg: Am I ready now?

Edvard: For what?

Reg: Isn’t that sort of an obvious question?

Edvard: Obvious in what way?

Reg: Where are you going with this?

Edvard: Why should I be going anywhere?

Reg: What’s your destination?

Edvard: Who wants to know?

Reg: Why does anyone want to know?

Edvard: Are you becoming philosophical?

Reg: What if I am?

Edvard: Is this a Philosophical Zone?

Reg: What’s that?

Edvard: [gasp] You haven’t heard of Philosophical Zones?

Reg: Couldn’t you pretend I have?

Edvard: Why?

Reg: Where should I go, anyway?

Edvard: Are you holding something?

Reg: What does it look like?

Edvard: Why does it look like a raisin?

Reg: Why does what look like a raisin?

Edvard: [holds up hands, steps out]

[Buzzer]

Amber Lynn: You gonna eat that raisin?

Reg: Is that code for something?

Amber Lynn: Code for what?

Reg: Does “raisin” mean “clitoris”, or something?

[Multiple buzzers]

Deb: [shakes head]

Amber Lynn: [to Reg] I think that’s gonna catch on.

Reg: What, “raisin” as slang for “clitoris”?

Amber Lynn: Yeah.

Deb: Dude, what the fuck? That game was going so well. Edvard was totally on fire.

Reg: Yeah. He was really making bread, if you know what I mean.

Amber Lynn: Raisin bread, if you know what I mean.

Deb: All right, all right. Edvard, I’m giving you a thousand loaves for that. And next we’ll do Weird Newscasters. This one is for everybody. You’ll be doing the news, but each of you, other than Reg, has some strange characteristic that I’ll give you. Reg, you’ll be the normal one. Wen, you’re the coanchor. You’re Taylor Swift trying to meet a man.

Wen: What?

Deb: Taylor Swift trying to meet a man. Edvard, you’re doing sports. You’re an overstressed spelling bee contestant. And Amber Lynn, you’re doing weather. You turn into a guy when you’re nervous.

Amber Lynn: [pause] Yeah, but what’s my character?

Deb: Yeah, exactly. What a coincidence. All right, Reg. Get us started.

[News theme]

Reg: Good evening. This is the forty two o’clock news. I’m Rabbit Flapjack, and joining me tonight is Taylor Swift. Pee Wee Herman is on assignment. Leading the news tonight, scientists have confirmed that the largest galaxy in the Universe is in fact the new Doritos Loco Chalupa from Taco Bell. Taco Bell: Make your own nebula. Also in the news today, the new rice hats were unveiled at a fashion show today. Taylor, you have the scoop.

Wen: [Taylor Swift trying to meet a man] Yes, I do. And while I was there, I met a number of fascinating fellows. However, they all had some major flaw. [mimes checking notepad] Bryce was a cool guy, but he was just too aware of his surroundings. I find that a turnoff. Then I saw Rob. I really liked him, but then he completely and utterly failed to turn into a watermelon. So he had to go. Then there was Jainah. I was intrigued by him. He had that certain flair that I really enjoy. But then he did something completely insane that I didn’t understand. He kept walking in a straight line. Just continued moving in one direction all night. I mean, I was into that for a while, but as I’ve matured, I’ve found that’s not really my thing any more. So... [turns to Reg] oh. Hello. [twists hair] Haven’t seen you around here before. Are you new?

Reg: No. And I don’t have the same name as you either.

Wen: [disappointed] Oh.

Reg: Well, turning now to weather, there appears to be a storm coming, and for the details we go over to Rajiv. Rajiv?

Edvard: [Overstressed spelling bee contestant] Actually, I’m doing sports.

Reg: Oh.

Edvard: Yes, and we’re starting with... um... B-A-S-K-E-T-B-A-L-L. [relieved sigh] Okay, well, we have some news from M-I-L... um... W... A-U... [mimes writing on hand] um... K-E-E. Yes, Milwaukee, where there are questions being raised about the... I-N-C-O-N... T-R-O-V... um... aaaaaaah! I can’t do this any more! I hate spelling! I don’t want to drive all around the country and have a bright spotlight shining in my face while I try to figure out if it’s an F or a PH! I don’t want to show up in some random city and ask whether some random word that nobody ever uses is derived from Dutch or German! I want to be... a lumberjack! [runs off stage]

Reg: This just in: He’s okay. And we now go to our other weather person, Dusty Shelbyville. Dusty?

Amber Lynn: [Turns into a guy when she’s nervous] Yes, thanks. Well, as you mentioned, storms have been on the cards for some time now. We haven’t seen weather this bad since 2002, when the hail... no, I’m sorry, that was 2003. Or 2004? I can’t remember. I’m sorry, this is just so... [feigns convulsion, then stands; in deep voice] Good evening. Weather tonight is good, awww yeah. [to Wen] Hey, Taylor.

Wen: [breathy] Hi.

Amber Lynn: I feel strangely comfortable around you. In fact – [feigns convulsion, then stands; in normal voice] Um... and that’s the weather.

Wen: Wow. I’m actually more attracted to you now.

Amber Lynn: You are? Um... [feigns convulsion, then stands; in deep voice] Hey baby.

Wen: [disappointed] Oh.

Reg: And that’s the news for now. Coming up tonight at twenty three: a roller skating fish? We’ll tell you how to protect yourself. Till then, good night.

[Buzzer]

Deb: All right. Not bad. Seven hundred nineteen points for Wen and Amber Lynn there. Don’t you wish you could hire them out for parties, you know? Taylor Swift and the weather girl who turns into a dude?

Edvard: So was Taylor more attracted to the weather girl?

Wen: Who knows. That bitch is insane.

Deb: Okay, well, let’s move on to another game, Narrate. This one is for Edvard and Wen. They’ll be doing a scene, but as they go along, they’ll narrate to the camera, following the style of the music that we’ll play. And from the audience, let’s have a suggestion for an unusual place to hold the GoobNet sixteenth anniversary party.

Audience: Rice paddy! Bowling alley! Ancient Babylon!

Deb: Wait, what? Ancient Babylon? Are you serious? All right, dude. It’s on you. We’re holding the GoobNet anniversary party in ancient Babylon. Sit back and watch the hilarity. All right, Edvard and Wen. Get us started when you’re ready.

[Film noir music]

Edvard: [to camera] I had been searching my entire life. It had been a fruitless endeavour for most of that time. But recently, I was finally able to start piecing a few things together. Before long, the cuneiform tablets led me here.

Wen: [miming holding pencil and pad] Hey. What can I getcha?

Edvard: That depends. What sort of establishment is this?

Wen: What sort do you want it to be?

Edvard: What are my choices?

Wen: [to camera] I realised right away that we had gotten stuck in Questions Only again. I knew I had to change the subject. [to Edvard] Well, where are you from? [to camera] Goddammit.

Edvard: I’m from ancient Sumeria.

Wen: Ancient Sumeria? Wasn’t that, like, a thousand years before us here in ancient Babylon?

Edvard: [shrugs] Sure.

Wen: [to camera] He claimed to be from ancient Sumeria. But he made one mistake: anyone from ancient Sumeria would call it Sumer, not Sumeria. I decided to play along and see if I could string any more information out of him. [to Edvard] Oh, ancient Sumeria. Yeah, I love ancient Sumeria. I go there all the time. Hey, do you know Akon Ba?

Edvard: Um... yeah. Of course. Akon Ba. That dude is hilarious.

Wen: Yeah. Who’s he seeing now?

Edvard: Taylor Swift, I heard.

Wen: [to camera] As soon as he said Taylor Swift, I knew what he was. [to Edvard] Ah ha! Now that you have said Taylor Swift, I know what you are!

Edvard: [to camera] She said she knew what I was. But there was no way she could have understood the full story. I decided to play along and see what she believed. [to Wen] Oh really? What am I?

Wen: You are the first advance scout of the Assyrian Empire!

Edvard: Ah, you have fallen into my trap! You see, I merely act as though I am the first advance scout of the Assyrian Empire in order to earn your trust! In reality, I am an independent adjudicator representing the guild of whatever sort of establishment this is!

Wen: You mean...

Edvard: Yes!

Wen: [to camera] He was from the guild of whatever sort of establishment I run. Which meant that I could not let him see the contents of the basement. [to Edvard] Very well. Have a look around. You can look at anything except –

Edvard: Hey, what’s this trap door?

Wen: No!

Edvard: [mimes descending stairs] My word! This is... [to camera] Once I saw all the boxes stacked up, I knew what was going on. [to Wen] You know what I have to do now.

Wen: [to camera] He was right. He had no choice. But I also had no choice. [mimes pulling gun; to Edvard] Hold it right there, independent adjudicator.

Edvard: [holds hands up] A double cross!

Wen: Indeed! You see what I have down here. And you see why the guild of whatever sort of establishment this is can never know about what I have down here.

Edvard: Yes. And I have but one question.

Wen: Yes?

Edvard: Where did you get all these pictures of James Franco?

[Buzzer]

Deb: Ah, very good. I enjoyed that. I’ll give you both fifty eight points. Okay, we’re going on now to Multiple Personalities. This one is for Edvard, Reg, and Amber Lynn. They’ll do a scene, with these props, and each prop has a personality associated with it that they have to exhibit whenever they’re holding it. The cooking tongs [hands tongs to Reg] are Dave Beckham, the softball [hands softball to Edvard] is President Obama, and the Peter Pan hat [hands hat to Amber Lynn] is a two headed porn star.

Amber Lynn: [stops, glares at Deb]

Deb: [holds card out]

Amber Lynn: [reading from card] “Peter Pan hat: two headed porn star”. Yeah, fuck you, writers.

Deb: And the scene is... ah, fuck it.

Edvard: What?

Deb: We keep giving you these great scenes that have to do with our anniversary, but then you guys never actually do it.

Reg: What?

Deb: Like, the last game was supposed to be about the GoobNet anniversary party in ancient Babylon.

Edvard: [to audience] Yeah, great suggestion, by the way.

Deb: So I’m not even giving you the scene this time.

Amber Lynn: Oh, come on.

Deb: No, you had your chance. This time you have to make up a scene yourself. So get your scene started when you’re ready.

Edvard: [holding softball] My fellow Americans, thank you for attending my barbecue here on the White House lawn.

Reg: [holding tongs; in London accent] I’m... I’m not your fellow American.

Edvard: What? But you lived in Los Angeles for years. Aren’t you American by now?

Reg: No, we moved the kids back to London. Also, according to the Republicans, I’m just a freeloading foreigner stealing jobs from honest, hard working Americans.

Amber Lynn: [holding hat; tilting head left] Well, I think you’re attractive. [tilting head right] Well, I think you’re attractive. [tilting head left] I wanna do him. [tilting head right] I wanna do him.

Edvard: I’m sorry ladies. I’m faithful to Michelle. [takes tongs from Reg; hands softball to Reg; in London accent] And I’m faifful to Victoria.

Amber Lynn: [tilting head left] That’s okay. You can bring her too. [tilting head right] Yeah, you can do him, and I’ll do Victoria. [tilting head left] Ooh, that sounds nice. But first... [takes tongs from Edvard; hands hat to Edvard; in London accent] I’m going to bend a ball over here. Would anyone like that?

Edvard: [holding hat; tilting head left] Ooh, I would! [tilting head right] I wouldn’t. [tilting head left] Well, that’s too damn bad!

Reg: [holding softball] You’re all going to have to stop that.

Edvard: [tilting head right] Why? [tilting head left] Yeah, what are you gonna do?

Reg: There is a drone circling overhead. If you people don’t stop fighting... [takes hat from Edvard; hands softball to Edvard; tilting head right] I’m going to unleash a Hellfire missile on your asses! [tilting head left] What? You can’t do that! That’s insane! [tilting head right] Oh yeah? Just watch me! [tilting head left] She’ll do it! Just do what she says!

Edvard: [holding softball] Now hold on. I’m sure we can reach across the aisle and find some common ground here. Isn’t that right, David? [hands softball to Amber Lynn]

Amber Lynn: [holding softball and tongs; in London accent] I fink you’re right. It was never like this back in London. But don’t forget, I could have you sent to Guantánamo for this.

Reg: [tilting head right] You’ll have to catch me first! [tilting head left] Look, just stay away from her! She’s dangerous! [hands hat to Amber Lynn]

Amber Lynn: [holding softball, tongs, and hat; tilting head right; in London accent] I’ll bend those missiles right at you! [tilting head left; in American accent] Now hold on. There is a perfectly fair solution that benefits all parties. I propose a plan that cuts federal subsidies for drone strikes from insane multiple headed porn stars. [tilting head right; in London accent] It’ll never work! [tilting head left; in American accent] Yes it will! [tilting head right; in London accent] No it won’t!

[Buzzer]

Deb: Oh, that’s great. Amber Lynn, I’m giving you one hundred thirty eight points.

Amber Lynn: What, is that two times sixty nine?

Deb: Yeah.

Edvard: I get it!

Deb: Good. All right, well, I think now we should get on to Scenes from a Hat!

Reg: All right!

Amber Lynn: Fuck yeah! [high fives Edvard]

Deb: This one is for everybody, of course. They’re going to stand at the sides and come forward as they have ideas for these scenes. [holds up inverted winter toque] We had everyone in the audience write down suggestions for scenes earlier. There were, surprisingly, some good ones in there. So we’ve got some of them in here, and we’ll see what we get, starting with... [draws paper] “Strange Facebook status updates”.

Amber Lynn: Stephen Hawking, 20:36: New wheelchair upgrades are awesome! Top speed is 60 mi/hr!

[Buzzer]

Deb: Really? No more strange Facebook statuses?

Edvard: Aren’t they all strange?

Deb: Yeah, I guess so. All right... [draws paper] “Porn stars on their days off”.

Edvard: [mimes holding palette] Ah, painting. I love to try to reproduce the works of the great masters. [mimes lowering pants, applying brush to crotch]

[Buzzer]

Wen: [inhales] I love the smell of tulips.

[Buzzer]

Amber Lynn: [mimes holding something] Dude, feel these balls.

Edvard: [mimes taking something from Amber Lynn]

Amber Lynn: Don’t those balls just feel so smooth?

Edvard: Yeah, they do, lady. You gonna play some golf, or just touch the golf balls all day?

[Buzzer]

Deb: Okay. [draws paper] “GoobNet’s first sixteen years, in song”.

Reg: [singing] Well, there’s the SPEED, and extreme plumbers, and Interaction
And then Edvard ate some dy-na-mite!
And one dude ran away, and another showed up
And Amber Lynn likes to scratch and biiite!

[Buzzer]

Amber Lynn: I’m now going to perform a song that I think summarises GoobNet perfectly. It’s called “S&M”.

[Buzzer]

Wen: [to ‘American Pie’] My, my, this here GoobNet website,
Tried to be really funny but the funny was dry,
Them good old boys went to write about football, saying,
This’ll be a lame website!
This’ll be a lame website!

[Buzzer]

Deb: Okay. How about... [draws paper] “People you never want to see naked”.

Reg: [stands there]

[Buzzer]

Edvard: That’s true, by the way.

Deb: Thanks.

Amber Lynn: [booming voice] This... is... Cinemax Jeopardy!

[Buzzer]

Edvard: I’m George H W Bush, and welcome to my presidential library.

[Buzzer]

Edvard: You may have heard that I’ve been into skydiving recently.

[Buzzer]

Edvard: Well, today I’d like to try skydiving with a new twist –

[Buzzer]

Deb: Yeah, we get it, Edvard. [draws paper] Oh wow. “Things you can say about GoobNet, but not your girlfriend”.

Wen: [shouting] Why do you take so long to download?!

[Buzzer]

Reg: You’ve got more black and green than Wayne Brady giving out money on Let’s Make a Deal.

[Buzzer]

Deb: [facepalming; to Reg] Oh my fucking god. Dude, seriously?

Edvard: Actually, that style sheet does kinda make you look fat.

[Buzzer]

Amber Lynn: How come, when I scroll all the way to the bottom, there’s an E-mail address for complaints?

[Buzzer]

Wen: How come, when I scroll all the way to the bottom, there’s an ad for hot, fresh raisin bread?

[Multiple buzzers]

Deb: Whoa. All right, Wen, you can be the winner! You’re the winner, so you can come over here and chill, [stands from desk] and the rest of us are going to do an Irish Drinking Song! And we got Catie Vargas at the piano! Say hey to Catie!

Catie: [waves]

Deb: All right, so we’re going to do an Irish drinking song about GoobNet’s sixteenth anniversary. And we need a suggestion from the audience. What specific aspect of GoobNet are we singing about?

Some Guy in the Back Row: How it sucks!

Deb: Well, that goes without saying.

Audience: World Cup! Interaction!

Deb: The World Cup? Let’s do that. World Cups, and/​or GoobNet Football. So, an Irish drinking song about GoobNet Football, and World Cups in particular. All right, Catie. Get us started.

Catie: [plays Irish drinking song]

All: Ohhhh, ei-de-di-de-di-de-di-de-di-de-di-de-di!

Reg: I love to watch my football.

Deb: Watch it every day.

Amber Lynn: Every day and every night!

Edvard: But now I’m turning gray.

Reg: It’s a whole lot of fun.

Deb: Even home or away.

Amber Lynn: Football really is my life!

Edvard: Especially cause Robbie’s gay!

All: Oh, ei-de-di-de-di-de-di-de-di-de-di-de-di!

Deb: Remember when Germany won?

Amber Lynn: They really made me cheer!

Edvard: I stood up and shouted!

Reg: I shouted like a deer!

Deb: What do deers sound like?

Amber Lynn: I’m afraid you’ll never know!

Edvard: Because it’s a secret!

Reg: Maradona likes his blow!

All: Oh, ei-de-di-de-di-de-di-de-di-de-di-de-di!

Amber Lynn: I love scoring goals!

Edvard: Every time I play!

Reg: Every game is a laugh!

Deb: That’s what I say!

Amber Lynn: But I don’t like being fouled!

Edvard: Don’t like it anyway!

Reg: Ref, didn’t you see it?

Deb: [holding thigh] Help! I need the magic spray!

All: Oh, ei-de-di-de-di-de-di-de-di-de-di-de-di!

Edvard: And now Spain are the champs.

Reg: That was really cool.

Deb: South Africa was so great!

Amber Lynn: Made the Dutch look like fools!

Edvard: [glaring at Amber Lynn] We were really great that time!

Reg: It was mighty cold!

Deb: That was really quite a thrill!

Amber Lynn: You take so long to download!

All: Oh, ei-de-di-de-di-de-di-de-di-de-di-de-di! Oh, ei-de-di-de-di-de-di-de-diiii-deeee-diiii-deeee-diiiiiiiii!

[Buzzer]

Deb: Ooh, that’s great. Well done everyone. [returns to desk] Well, that’s our celebration of sixteen years of GoobNet. We’re looking forward to another sixteen years, so in that spirit, let’s have Edvard and Wen read the credits. And I’d like you two to read the credits on the thirty second anniversary of GoobNet, looking back at what went wrong. And do it in questions only. Thanks for being here, everybody! Good night! Happy birthday us!

Wen: What did she mean, questions only?

Edvard: Who, Deb Harratsch?

Wen: Isn’t she the one who ruined everything?

Edvard: Wasn’t she supposed to help Reg Goober fix it all?

Wen: Do you think we could have recovered if it wasn’t for Wen Jialuen?

Edvard: Don’t you think I know that?

Wen: Didn’t you realise that any views expressed herein are those of the participants and not necessarily those of GoobNet Enterprises, Inc [which doesn’t actually exist however]?

Edvard: Would I be here if I didn’t?

Wen: Would any of us be here?

Edvard: Can’t we just go home?

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