WEEKLY WHINE

Greatest hits

There now follows a ranking of the sixteen greatest Weekly Whines ever posted here on GoobNet in the last sixteen years.

1. High School Nausea: This Whine asked, “Are you sick of all that High School Musical shit?” Well, if anybody wasn’t at the time, they are now. This epically epic Whine pitched a realistic version of that franchise, following two high schoolers whose love for each other is doomed by Marcus’s poor grades and Felicia’s disciplinary problems.
2. Dumb Rush the Radio Host: Perhaps the most famous of our Halloween parties, this one saw Cheech and his wife, Natasha, as Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons; Mary as the Body; Reese as the Argentine mistress of former South Carolina governor Mark Sandford; and Avril as Chaz Bono.
3. 97% Effective and 100% Fun: As last week, we have completed a number of special GoobNet presentations of Whose Line Is It Anyway. This one was the best from start to finish, with memorable quotations like “Don’t let the roaches into your ass” and “Well, I have to go pee into a cup, if you know what I mean”.
4. Not a Joke, a Sales Campaign: Earlier this year, we produced our first series of Super Bowl commercials, starring the likes of Rihanna, Taylor Swift, Betty White, and the Inside the NBA cast. Of course, Charles Barkley thought they were turrible.
5. Who Wants to Be a GoobNetaire: For our eighth anniversary, we presented a game that tests your knowledge of our first eight years. And as usual, we take this opportunity to congratulate Melissa, the only player to win the ¤1,048,576 Silly Bucks.
6. The GoobNet Periodic Table Challenge: There were 112 officially recognised elements at the time we produced this challenge. How well do you know them? Is the impossible dream of a perfect 108 points really all that impossible?
7. HEARTANDSOUL Phase 4 Complete: This was the final step in the GoobNet Highly Effective Accelerated Railway Transit for Accessing National Destinations with a Special Opportunity to Unify Locations plan, our proposal that links the entire United States via a fantastic network of spectacular high speed rail lines.
8. An Eagerly Anticipated Arrival: We celebrated Neil Armstrong by visiting Griffith Park and performing this historically accurate recreation of the Apollo 11 landing.
9. Travel by Toilet!: We celebrated Arthur C Clarke by developing an innovative, and somewhat hilarious, new method of travelling between different locations.
10. Attack Ad: Remember when everybody forwarded E-mails around? Well, our response to this one, in which we totally destroyed every single one of its arguments, led to the genre’s collapse.
11. Interaction: Pranks for the Memories: Debbie takes her ROFLcopter home after this April Fool edition of Interaction.
12. Don’t Drink from a Tube on the Tube: A youngster in New York City realises that the phrase “fucking orgy” is redundant.
13. Focal Plane: Unusual Performances: The GoobNet Focal Plane is an occasional series wherein we highlight an unimportant social problem, trying to make you care about it. This entry introduced the world to such plays as What’s My Clime and The Inventions of Nora Jane Smalley.
14. How to Shake Hands with Your Referee: Ronaldinho and Manuel Mejuto González remind us to shake hands responsibly.
15. Interaction: The start of our long partnership with the World News Centre and Interaction began here.
16. MLS: ARRRGH! Revisited: The GoobNet Agency for Reintroducing Relegation into Recreational Game Hierarchies has presented a number of useful plans for incorporating promotion and relegation into North American sporting leagues. But none has been more revolutionary as the revised plan for MLS presented earlier this year.

The following Weekly Whines, presented in chronological order, received honourable mentions.

• Systems Disintegration: This discussion of the issues encountered with the Huygens probe to Titan led to the introduction of the GoobNet Relative Velocity Test, now a standard part of testing space hardware.
• Focal Plane: Coffee Immunity: What if I told you that there are people who can drink bajillions of cups of coffee and not feel the slightest buzz?
• Optimise Your Name: Deep Whine, our very own Weekly Whine writing computer, recognised that there were too many computers with the word deep in their names. Its response was to propose a computer called Shallow Hal 9000.
• A Beautiful Day in the Neighbourhood: We celebrated Fred Rogers by trying to explain him to Edvard.
• Free the Rally Monkey!: GoobNet organises a flash mob!
• Focal Plane: Frozen Fight: What if I told you that there are people who build working hot tubs in cold places?
• Schmilblick Patrol: Bernie Ecclestone: On GoobNet’s Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol, we learn once again why standup routines about race car drivers are never as funny as they sound when you first think of them in the shower.
• I Call It the HMS Modesty: Things that do not stop, José Mourinho’s showboat, and emergency board meetings all take place on Silly Noise Saturday.
• Interaction: Nipplegate II: Keira from London dials in to the programme to express her interest in Debbie’s Lactigirl project.
• Schmilblick Patrol: David Stern: The first of NBA commissioner David Stern’s two appearances on GoobNet’s Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol to date was one of the greatest moments in the history of reality, particularly when we learned that Stern’s wife likes the feel of his balls.
• Icosipentathlon: The GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED], our very own think tank, is committed to searching for ways to make your life suck less. One such way is to update the modern pentathlon: they found five ways to do that.
• Ésteban Colberto Celebrates a Rouge with Katie Price’s Breasts: We consider this one to be self explanatory.
• 1 vs GoobNet: For our twelfth anniversary, we presented a game that tests your knowledge of our first twelve years. But this challenge was much greater, and not just because you must defeat 64 GoobNet players in the process.
• Focal Plane: Space Indifference: Are you indifferent to space? We belive that you will change your tune with Talk Like an Astronaut Day.
• Ace Logjam Resource: Are your ears so unsettled? These anagrams for MLS club names were surprisingly accurate.
• Schmilblick Patrol: Gyoengyi Gaal: A referee from the 2011 Women’s World Cup explains in hilarious fashion why she failed to award a penalty to Australia for a handball against Equatorial Guinea.