WEEKLY WHINE

Geocentric coverage

As you know, there are far too many events happening around the world. The number of events happening inside the world is also alarmingly high.

But the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network is here to help. We are pleased to launch our new programme, Earth Insider with Jack Morninwhahl. In this daily programme, Jack and a team of dedicated investigative reporters keep you up to date with all that is happening inside the world. From the crust to the core, you’ll be the first to know about the latest on Earth’s magnetic field, its metallic core – both the liquid and solid layers – and all of the tectonic plates. Jack even promises to present in depth coverage of the redheaded stepchild of the plate tectonics world, the Caroline Plate.

Of course, if you are interested in developments on or above Earth’s surface, you can continue watching the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network, because all the other programmes besides Earth Insider address that type of news. For example, here are just some of the continuing stories we are covering. How many of these can you spot? And more importantly, for how many of these can you come up with better descriptions?

ABBOTT WINS AUSTRALIAN ELECTION
Mandate to eliminate carbon tax, make John Oliver honorary citizen

EXPLORING LUNAR DUST
LADEE spacecraft to be followed by enhanced successor, FRKNDAA

AMERICA DEBATES SYRIA
Congress considers wide array of options: 1. bomb them; 2. bomb the shit out of them

IS ENCRYPTION SAFE?
US, UK hack encryption to find out how much you spent on that ugly ass lawn gnome

TOKYO TO HOST 2020 OLYMPICS
IOC walks, doesn’t run, back to Japan

NFL SEASON KICKS OFF
Jaguars, Dolphins in bitter fight for worst uniforms in Florida

MASSIVE UNDERWATER VOLCANO SPOTTED
Tamu Massif defeats Longhorn Peak

DE LA TORRE SACKED
In need of new ideas, Mexico considers not losing