WEEKLY WHINE

Voting for Scientist Laureate now open

We here at GoobNet are pleased to announce the opening of voting for the first ever Scientist Laureate. The nominated candidates are Prof Stephen Hawking, Dr Neil deGrasse Tyson, and the Rev Sir Doctor Stephen T Mos Def Colbert, DFA.

The purposes of the Scientist Laureate are:

1. To further the advancement of mathematics, science, and engineering projects throughout the world.
2. To encourage young people throughout the world to study, and to pursue careers in, mathematics, science, and engineering.
3. To raise the level of mathematics, science, and technology coverage and discussion in media throughout the world.

Earlier this year, we held a nominating session to identify possible candidates for the position, which we then titled Science Pope. We have since settled on the name Scientist Laureate. Here now are reports on each candidate.

STEPHEN HAWKING

Prof Hawking is perhaps the most famous living scientist, specialising in astrophysics, cosmology, and quantum physics. One of his best known findings is that black holes can leak radiation into space and thereby dwindle in size over time, eventually evaporating altogether. This process is today known as Hawking radiation.

But he is known throughout the world, not merely amongst academics. This is primarily due to his books, including A Brief History of Time and The Grand Design. He also makes television appearances, such as his frequent voice cameos on Futurama. He is also famous for his many wagers with colleagues on scientific matters: he has conceded wagers on naked singularities and on the discovery of the Higgs boson.

You should cast your vote for Prof Hawking if you want the Scientist Laureate to be someone who is not afraid to spark debate on a variety of topics; he has made his views known on subjects from the 2003 invasion of Iraq to climate change, religion, space exploration, and genetic engineering.

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON

Dr Tyson is the director of the Hayden Planetarium in New York City and has also served as president of the Planetary Society. He has also become a prominent public figure through a number of television appearances and his advocacy for space exploration and scientific research.

Today, he is perhaps best known as a leading voice against the classification of Pluto as a planet. He has on occasion related to Jon Stewart that he received enormous volumes of hate mail on the subject, primarily from children: “Write back soon, but not in cursive. I don’t know how to read cursive yet.”

You should cast your vote for Dr Tyson if you want a Scientist Laureate who will demand more money for NASA and will keep appearing on your television set until it is given. In fact, after it is given, he will hopefully appear on your television set more often, to tell you about all the awesome things that we discovered thanks to that additional money.

STEPHEN COLBERT

The Rev Sir Doctor Mos Def Colbert is a prominent television personality. He is best known as a voice for those who already have a voice, and as an advocate of striking back against the environment, particularly against bears.

He often claims to be “no fan of science”, but in fact he has discussed scientific matters frequently on the programme. Astronauts such as Sunita Williams and Buzz Aldrin have appeared as guests, as have physicists such as Neil deGrasse Tyson and Brian Greene. He also famously inspired the Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill found on the International Space Station.

You should cast your vote for the Rev Sir Doctor Mos Def Colbert if you want the Scientist Laureate to be someone who believes that humans are constantly under threat from Mother Nature and the Universe, and that humans should launch a preemptive strike.

CAST YOUR VOTE

Voting for the Scientist Laureate is open now and will continue until 17:19 UTC on MON 14 OCT 2013. The winner will be honoured as the first ever Scientist Laureate and will leave immediately for the nineteen public appearances required of the winner. In addition, the next highest receiver of votes will have to be available in case the Scientist Laureate is unable to fulfill his duties or doesn’t feel like it.