WEEKLY WHINE
Welcome to MLS, Orlando City SC! We are pleased to have you and your community join our league. This packet contains some information that will help you make the most out of your MLS experience.
As you know, Major League Soccer is the top division of professional men’s football in the United States and Canada. We are currently equipped with nineteen clubs, sixteen in the United States and three in Canada. New York City FC will be joining our league in 2015, the same year as you, meaning that we will reach a total of 21 clubs that year, or 20 if Chivas USA leave the league before that time.
Clubs are currently divided into two conferences: there are ten in the Eastern Conference and nine in the Western Conference. You will be joining our league in the Eastern Conference, as will NYCFC. You should expect that the Houston Dynamo will move to the Western Conference at that time, and perhaps Sporting Kansas City as well, especially if Chivas USA leave.
Although we currently play 34 matches in the regular season, we are considering a reduction in that number.
If there are 21 clubs in 2015, you should expect to play 30 regular season matches. You would play all ten Western Conference opponents once and all ten Eastern Conference opponents twice. Alternatively, should we decide to retain the 34 match schedule, you should expect to play four of your Eastern Conference opponents three times, and the other six twice.
If there are 20 clubs in 2015, you should expect to play 28 regular season matches. You would play all ten Western Conference opponents once and all nine Eastern Conference opponents twice. Alternatively, should we decide to retain the 34 match schedule, you should expect to play six of your Eastern Conference opponents three times, and the other three twice.
Although there are many regional rivalries in MLS, you will not have a rival from the southeastern United States when you join the league. There is a possibility of a future expansion club in Atlanta or Miami.
In the meantime, the following players have acquired a great deal of hatred throughout the league, so you should expect to hate them as well.
The league frequently schedules matches during international breaks. You should expect that we will not have learned our lesson by 2015 and that you will have matches scheduled during international breaks. Furthermore, the Men’s Gold Cup will be held during the 2015 MLS season. You should expect that the league will continue to play during that tournament, and therefore that any of your players from participating nations could be called up.
We also do not follow the international norm of simultaneous kickoffs on the last day of the regular season. This is particularly inexplicable when one considers that the majority of the last day matches have a significant bearing on playoff places. In many other leagues, there are only a few matches that affect the title, relegation, or places in continental tournaments.
You should also expect that several of your matches will be scheduled at weird times, particularly if they are to be broadcast on an ESPN network. Friday and Sunday evenings tend to be ESPN’s favourite times. In addition, for any of your home matches that are broadcast on an ESPN network, you should be aware that there is a high probability that Alexi Lalas will be in attendance.
For teams tied in the table, the tiebreakers are currently total wins, goals scored, goal difference, and disciplinary points. However, these rules have changed twice in the last two years, so you should not expect that they will stay the same by the time you begin playing in the league, or even that they will stay the same over the course of a season.
Our current playoff format involves the top five clubs from each conference; you should expect that to remain the same. You should also expect that the MLS Cup final will continue to be played as a single match, hosted by the participating club with the better record in the regular season.
We are eagerly looking forward to the completion of your new stadium. NYCFC’s stadium situation is still to be sorted out, so we are unable to provide any information about their facility at this time. In the meantime, our friends over at GoobNet have already provided a rating of the other stadiums in the league. The new stadium in Santa Clara, to be the home of the San Jose Earthquakes beginning next year, is currently unrated.
Your club is currently in USL Pro, so you are no doubt familiar with the Professional Referee Organization. Their vision is “to become the example for World Class soccer officials by 2022”, but most would agree that they have quite a bit of work ahead of them. For example, referees frequently lose control of MLS matches because they are failing to punish overly aggressive behaviour. They need to issue more bookings for persistent infringement, dissent, and fighting with opponents.
In the meantime, the following referees have acquired a great deal of hatred throughout the league, so you should expect to hate them as well.
We are pleased to hear that you are planning to update your club’s logo before you begin playing in MLS. Here are some points to consider as you develop your MLS visual identity.
If you retain your existing colours, you will be the only MLS club wearing purple. [Seattle, surprisingly, have not yet introduced a garish magenta or fuchsia third kit. We hope we have not now given them the idea.] Many clubs in our league have now established a distinguishing feature on their kits, such as the Chicago Fire’s chest stripe or Sporting Kansas City’s seam that mirrors the Missouri-Kansas border. You should begin to think about whether you would like such a feature of your own.
Cartoonish logos, like those of the Dallas Burn and Tampa Bay Mutiny, have largely given way to more polished designs like those of the Colorado Rapids and Toronto FC. It has now become popular to incorporate initials into club logos, either in plain sight as with the Los Angeles Galaxy, or more subtly as with the Vancouver Whitecaps. We therefore look forward to finding out whether you can incorporate the letters OCSC into the mane of a stylised lion.
Two of the clubs with perhaps the greatest level of travelling support, the Seattle Sounders and the Portland Timbers, are located far from you. It is probably reasonable to expect a significant number of visiting supporters the first time you play each of these clubs at home. Otherwise, you should expect that Houston Dynamo supporters will visit your stadium in the greatest numbers.
There are a number of arcane and byzantine rules pertaining to MLS players. We would love to explain them to you, but we don’t understand them either. Here is what we do know:
All of us in the MLS league office would like your MLS experience to be long, successful, and fun. Please do not hesitate to contact us with any further questions you may have about our league.
However, please note that if your question is “Are you fucking kidding me with these referees?!”, the commissioner told us to fine you.
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