WEEKLY WHINE

Dropping the ball

The draw for the 2014 Men’s World Cup was successfully completed on Friday. This was a big accomplishment for FIFA: it’s been a long time since they randomly pulled balls out of bowls this quickly, despite Jérôme Valcke flubbing his lines and Alcides Ghiggia fumbling a ball across the stage.

But what of the results of the draw? Are they good for your team? [If your team is Argentina or France: Yes.] Bad? [If your team is the United States or England: Yes.] Indifferent? [If your team is Greece or Mexico: Meh.]

Well, at the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network, we will be allocating a great deal of time between now and THU 12 JUN 2014, and probably a healthy chunk of time after then, to studio shows in which people who claim to be experts will describe the relative difficulty level of each team’s draw and predict everything that will happen during the Men’s World Cup, up to and including which matches will be halted when the tear gas that the police spray at protesters outside drifts into the stadium.

So be sure not to miss that. In fact, you should probably go ahead and configure your DVR to record the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network continuously from this moment forward. If you do, you will see our coverage of the Men’s World Cup groups appear under the following headlines.

GROUP A: BRA, CRO, MEX, CMR
Mexico, Croatia to play for Permanent Caretaker Manager Cup

GROUP B: ESP, NED, CHI, AUS
Yeah, great job with the seeding, FIFA

GROUP C: COL, GRE, CIV, JPN
All four teams to play for Finally Going to Do Something at Men’s World Cup Cup

GROUP D: URU, CRC, ENG, ITA
Three world champions, but no snow

GROUP E: SUI, ECU, FRA, HON
Evenly matched Group of Rodney Dangerfield

GROUP F: ARG, BIH, IRN, NGA
Can Bosnia-Herz, Nigeria impede Argentina’s progress? No? Okay then

GROUP G: GER, POR, GHA, USA
Watch out for 21 players on pitch who are not Cristiano Ronaldo

GROUP H: BEL, ALG, RUS, KOR
Sorry Algeria, you kinda are going to Brazil as tourists