WEEKLY WHINE

You’re welcome for your welcome

The 2014 Men’s World Cup has now been completed. Somebody won, and somebody else lost.

Actually, it was much more complicated and nuanced than that. Some people came away with exactly what they had been dreaming of for their entire lives, but many of those who did not come away with that came away with other accomplishments and achievements, or even some notable experiences, that will live just as long in the memory.

But of course, coverage of sport on television requires reducing everything to ridiculous absurdities: everything and everyone is either a winner or a loser. A news organisation that was interested in analysing global trends and understanding what they mean to us as humans could take advantage of this opportunity and present an incredibly meaningful and important report.

But at the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network, we are not going to do that. Instead, we are just going to tell you what types of welcomes each quarterfinalist will be able to look forward to upon their return home.

COSTA RICA
Heroes’ welcome for surprising Ticos

FRANCE
Average welcome for Bleus that met expectations

BELGIUM
Excited welcome for accomplished Red Devils

COLOMBIA
Celebrity welcome for James Rodríguez, also other players

BRAZIL
No welcome, and not just because they were already home

NETHERLANDS
Ambivalent welcome for Orange who surpassed original expectations, fell short of new ones

ARGENTINA
Delighted welcome for everyone except Gonzalo Higuaín

GERMANY
Would receive raucous welcome, but they’re not ready to leave Brazil any time soon