WEEKLY WHINE

Everyone must go

Many goalkeepers have played at this Men’s World Cup. But all of them are awful. There now follows a ranking of the worst goalkeepers at the tournament.

1. Rui Patrício [Portugal]: Played in the match against Germany and conceded four goals. That’s pretty much all you need to know.
2. Jung Sung Ryong [Korea Rep]: Conceded five goals in two matches played, including four to Algeria. Yes, the same Algeria that scored zero goals in three matches at the 2010 Men’s World Cup.
3. Joe Hart [England]: Faced eight shots on target in two matches, and allowed four of them in.
4. Iker Casillas [Spain]: Conceded seven goals in the first two matches of Spain’s disastrous campaign. Was sent to the bench so fast his head spun, though that was probably due to all of van Persie’s and Robben’s shots whistling past him.
5. Stipe Pletikosa [Croatia]: Made five saves in three matches, but conceded three goals each to Mexico and Brazil.
6. Maty Ryan [Australia]: Played in three matches, and conceded three goals in each. Consistency is normally appreciated in goalkeepers.
7. Noel Valladares [Honduras]: Conceded eight goals in three matches, a record that might have given his team a chance to win in 1958. Valladares is guilty only of being born in the wrong time period. And in the wrong country, because Honduras did not qualify for the Men’s World Cup back then.
8. Adam Kwarasey [Ghana]: Played in Ghana’s first match, against the United States. Made four saves but was clearly intimidated by the vocal US support in Natal. You’re welcome, Clint.
9. Beto [Portugal]: Conceded three goals in two matches played, and exited the match against Ghana due to injury.
10. Igor Akinfeev [Russia]: Played three matches and conceded one goal in each. However, Vladimir Putin will have taken particular notice of the one against Korea Rep, which slipped right through Akinfeev’s fingers.
11. Salvatore Sirigu [Italy]: Played in Italy’s first match, against England, whilst Buffon was injured. Conceded one goal to Daniel Sturridge.
12. Panagiotis Glykos [Greece]: Entered the match against Côte d’Ivoire for the injured Orestis Karnezis. He conceded the goal that would have eliminated his country but was bailed out by Georgios Samaras’s late penalty.
13. Ben Foster [England]: Only played in the goalless draw with Costa Rica, saving both of their shots on goal. Clearly he should be faulted for failing to insist on playing in England’s other two matches.
14. Faryd Mondragón [Colombia]: Played only five minutes. Also, he’s 43.
15. Eduardo [Portugal]: Played the last few minutes against Ghana for the injured Beto. He had no impact whatsoever on the match, but that’s still better than Beto and Rui Patrício could manage.
16. Pepe Reina [Spain]: Played only one match against Australia and made no saves. And don’t mention the technicality that the Socceroos had no shots on target for him to save. Everyone thinks that excuse will work for them.
17. Fatawu Dauda [Ghana]: Played against Germany and Portugal, conceding two goals to each whilst facing a total of twelve shots on target.
18. Eiji Kawashima [Japan]: Played all three matches, conceding six goals.
19. Charles Itandje [Cameroon]: Sure, his fifteen saves in three matches sounds impressive. But he conceded nine goals. Bet you’re no longer as impressed, right? This is further proof that you should not make decisions about impressiveness without hearing all the facts.
20. Boubacar Barry [Côte d’Ivoire]: Conceded five goals in three matches.
21. Orestis Karnezis [Greece]: Played all four matches, though he suffered an injury against Côte d’Ivoire and was replaced in the first half. Failed to save any of Costa Rica’s shots in the penalty shootout.
22. Kim Seung Gyu [Korea Rep]: Played Korea Rep’s last match, against Belgium. Conceded the only goal of the match when Belgium were down to ten men.
23. Asmir Begović [Bosnia-Herz]: The Bosnians were no doubt thrilled to compete in the Men’s World Cup for the first time. Their delight must have been palpable when they walked out onto the pitch to play Argentina. And they promptly gifted Argentina an own goal in the third minute. Begović needs to organise his defence better than that.
24. Júlio César [Brazil]: Has played all five matches for Brazil so far and conceded four goals. In the penalty shootout against Chile, he saved two shots.
25. Gianluigi Buffon [Italy]: Returned from injury for Italy’s second and third matches. Conceded one goal each to Costa Rica and Uruguay, which is normally a good record for a goalkeeper. However, because they are Italy, they need a goalkeeper who can concede an average of negative one goals per match.
26. Fernando Muslera [Uruguay]: Conceded six goals in four matches, including two to James Rodríguez.
27. Memo Ochoa [Mexico]: Conceded no goals in Mexico’s first two matches, but was rubbish after that. Against Croatia and the Netherlands, he conceded three goals, all after the 85th minute.
28. Tim Krul [Netherlands]: Sure, he saved two of Costa Rica’s penalties, but how much of the rest of the tournament did he play? He entered in stoppage time of the last overtime period, so technically, he has played zero minutes. He is clearly the laziest goalkeeper here. Also, he insisted on talking to all of the Ticos. Just say no to lazy, chatty keepers.
29. Alireza Haghighi [Iran]: Twelve saves were apparently insufficient for Iran.
30. Diego Benaglio [Switzerland]: Before the tournament, Benaglio was considered one of the best in the world. But then he conceded five goals against France. Everyone knows that the best goalkeepers prevent French players from scoring that many goals through the use of flying kung fu kicks.
31. Claudio Bravo [Chile]: He may have done well to get his team into the last sixteen, but in the penalty shootout against Brazil, he had very little part to play, making only one save.
32. Alexander Domínguez [Ecuador]: He made eighteen saves in three matches, but Ecuador still failed to escape the group phase. Clearly he needed to make more saves.
33. Vincent Enyeama [Nigeria]: He made 21 saves in four matches, but he conceded five goals, including two against France that put his team out of the tournament.
34. Thibaut Courtois [Belgium]: He conceded only one goal in the group phase, but two in the elimination phase. Clearly his performances got worse as the tournament progressed. Belgium need a player who steps up, not down, on the biggest stage.
35. Sergio Romero [Argentina]: He has conceded three goals in five matches, but in the quarterfinal against Belgium, he was called upon to make only one save. He may be rusty when the semifinal against the Netherlands comes around.
36. Jasper Cillessen [Netherlands]: He may have saved twelve out of sixteen shots on target that he faced, but in crunch time, he is absent. When it came time for the penalty shootout against Costa Rica, he was nowhere to be found. The Dutch need a more reliable keeper.
37. David Ospina [Colombia]: He may be the most important player on the Colombian squad, but the fact is that he was substituted out against Japan – for a man who is 43 years old.
38. Raïs M’Bolhi [Algeria]: His performance against Germany may have been one of the best at the tournament, but with Tim Howard’s performance the next day, 11 saves suddenly became less impressive.
39. Keylor Navas [Costa Rica]: He played in two penalty shootouts but saved only one of the nine shots he faced. For someone who singlehandedly kept his team in each match, he seems to have let it slip away when it mattered.
40. Hugo Lloris [France]: One of the least worst goalkeepers at the tournament, he conceded three goals in five matches.
41. Manuel Neuer [Germany]: He is often called the world’s best goalkeeper. Really? Then why is he called the Ice Cube? After all, ice cubes melt in hot Brazilian weather.
42. Tim Howard [United States]: He made 15 saves against Belgium, but clearly that was not enough for his team. He also needed to press forward, because he would not have missed Chris Wondolowski’s opportunity.