WEEKLY WHINE
You are probably disappointed at the kits that your favourite football club is wearing this season. You are not all that excited about those newfangled features on those new kits. A tiny logo on the back collar? Sublimated patterns? Detailling on the inside?! And what the fuck is a “jock tag”, anyway?
You are no doubt feeling nostalgic for a simpler time, when footballers were real men who didn’t fuss and moan about the odd concussion now and again. They just headed too many waterlogged leather footballs and died alarmingly young, like a proper man.
Well, you have convinced the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED]. They also want football to return to a simpler time, one in which the kits didn’t have giant sponsors’ logos on the front, the pitches didn’t have giant sponsors’ logos on the sideline, the stadiums didn’t have giant sponsors’ logos in the name, and there was not a European tournament, let alone two.
In that spirit, the GoobNet SPEED have gone back in time and looked at the kits worn by clubs in England’s Football League in the 1892-3 season, providing recommendations where necessary. So why not take a look at these kits and take these recommendations to heart when you start up your own football league, the Classic League? As you can see, heavy wool kits that cover the entire body are just the thing when you’re playing a winter season and don’t want to subscribe to those new, fancy notions of formations, athletic training, and running up and down the pitch.
We of course thank the good people over at Historical Football Kits and their equally good servers for providing information on the kits that were worn during this season.
Not related to the present day League Two club Accrington Stanley, Accrington FC were one of the founding members of the Football League in 1888 but resigned from the Football League following this season. Accrington then went under in 1896. We are alarmed that Accrington have almost an identical kit to Nottingham Forest; we will let Accrington keep theirs.
Villa were founded in 1874 and are today a well known Premier League club. As of the 1892-3 season, they had introduced their claret and sky blue kit, colours that would come to define them, five years previously. Today, the jersey is claret with sky blue sleeves rather than halved; we would be interested to see today’s Aston Villa side wear halves.
Speaking of halves, we come to one of the best known halved clubs, Blackburn Rovers. They are now in the Championship, but they are one of only five clubs to have won the Premier League since its founding in 1992. We have always enjoyed Blackburn’s kits, but we would have liked to see them with a splash of red, perhaps on the collar.
Found in the Championship today, Bolton were founded as Christ Church FC in 1874. We are alarmed that Bolton and Preston North End have identical kits and will give priority to PNE. Bolton must change to the blue, red, and white stripes that they wore several years earlier.
Founded in 1882 as Burnley Rovers [obviously moving team names were popular at the time], Burnley are in the Premier League today. Although their current colours are claret and blue in homage to Aston Villa, in this season Burnley wore stripes in claret and orange, a combination that we enjoy and would love to see on the present day Burnley side.
Derby County were a founding member of the Football League and are currently in the Championship. Having spent all but four seasons in their history in the top two divisions, they are one of the top clubs in England, historically speaking. Their black and white kits are too similar to Notts County, however. We will order Derby back into a blue jersey with red sleeves, which they wore two years previously.
Everton, known as the Toffeemen, are today a highly successful Premier League club. In 1892-3, they wore red, something that would be unthinkable today. We instead advise a return to the salmon and white halves of the early 1880s.
Founded in 1878, Newton Heath had just joined the Football League this year and were elected to the First Division. The club nearly went under in 1902 and was saved by a group of four local businessmen. Today, the club is known as Manchester United, and they seem to have done rather well for themselves. We enjoy the restrained ridiculousness of their red and white halves.
Forest, founded in 1865, are one of the oldest football clubs still in existence. They won the European Cup in 1979 and 1980 and are found in the Championship today. Their kits are almost identical to Accrington’s, so they must revert to the white trousers that they previously wore.
Notts County are currently members of League One, the third division. But they have been around since 1862, the oldest League club still in existence. As such, they get to keep their black and white stripes, and Derby must change per our recommendation above.
Preston North End, founded in 1880, were the very first Football League champions in 1889, capping an unbeaten season in which they also won the FA Cup. They can be found in League One today. Their white and blue kits may remain, as we made Bolton change above.
Stoke Ramblers, as they were once known, are the second oldest League club still standing. Their familiar red and white stripes are currently found in the Premier League. However, at this time, they wore red and blue stripes, something that makes them stand out in England. We recommend keeping this outfit.
The Black Cats would go on to win this season, and they are in the Premier League today. Their red and white stripes have barely changed in the interim, a fact that pleases us.
Known today as Sheffield Wednesday FC, the Wednesday were already in their familiar blue and white stripes at this time. They reside in the Championship this year. We like these kits, but we would like to see wider spacing on the stripes.
West Brom are a current Premier League club with long rivalries against Villa and Wolves. By this point, the Baggies had already introduced their familiar blue and white stripes. However, the Wednesday already had blue and white stripes, so West Brom need something different. We suggest the yellow and white quarters that they wore in 1882.
Wolves were another founding member of the Football League, and they are found in the Championship today. This season represents their first time wearing the old gold and black colours for which they are known today. This season, though, sees those colours in an unfamiliar pattern of diagonal halves. But we like it and would like to see more of it in the future.
Founded as St Mark’s in 1880, this club changed names to West Gorton and Ardwick before eventually settling on the name by which it is known today, Manchester City. This season, however, represents a bit of a departure in that its sky blue colour is absent. We of course advise its return immediately.
Though Bootle would resign from the Football League at the end of this season and then close down for good, they still have a claim to fame in Andrew Watson, who may have been the first black professional footballer. Bootle’s blue and white stripes are well suited.
Port Vale, as they are currently known, can be found in League One. At this time, however, Burslem Port Vale were a different club with a different appearance. Their kits are mighty similar to Northwich Victoria. Although the red jersey is very different from Port Vale’s current kit, we will let them keep it.
This club seemed to have a permanent address in the cellar of the Second Division. Swifts merged with Burton Wanderers in 1901 to form a new club, Burton United, that lasted only ten years. Swifts did not even have enough time to come up with a unique kit. They wear the same thing as Small Heath, so they will have to change to the burgundy and orange halves that they would don several years later.
The Railwaymen joined the Second Division this year but only had a stay of four years in the Football League. They are currently members of League One, and two years ago they won their first major honour, the Football League Trophy. They have worn red jerseys for more than a century, but during their first stint in the Second Division, they wore white jerseys and blue trousers. This must change; we insist upon seeing them in their traditional red.
Darwen’s history is quite interesting. Founded in 1870, the club joined the Football League in 1891, but after bouncing between the First and Second Divisions for several years, they were wound up. A new club was established straight away and played in the Lancashire Combination and then the North West Counties Football League before finally folding in 2009, though it was in turn replaced by AFC Darwen. During its time in the Football League, Darwen wore salmon pink, leading to its nickname as the Salmoners. All this to say: We love those salmon kits, you Salmoners.
Grimsby were founded in 1878 and have played in each of the top five tiers of English football; they currently reside in the fifth tier, the Conference Premier. Their colours at the time were the highly enjoyable combination of chocolate and sky blue. We encourage any and all present day Premier League clubs to adopt these colours, if only in a third kit.
Founded in 1884, the Imps joined the newly formed Second Division this year, and today they can be found in the Conference Premier. Their red and white stripes are the same as Sheffield United’s kits, so Lincoln will have to change to red and black stripes.
This was the first of two seasons of League football that Northwich Victoria would ever play. They may currently be found in the Northern Premier League Division One North, in the eighth tier of English football. Their kit, comprised of a red jersey and blue trousers, was far too similar to that of Burslem Port Vale. The Vics will therefore have to change to their present day kit of green and white hoops.
Currently located in League One, Sheffield Utd joined the Football League this year, wearing red and white stripes. We have granted the rights to this style to the Blades, and so Lincoln City had to change.
Founded in 1875 as Small Heath Alliance, the club shortened their name to Small Heath in 1888. They are today known as Birmingham City and ply their trade in the Championship. Even at this early date, they had already come up with their traditional kit of blue shirts and white trousers.
Formed by a merger of Walsall Town and Walsall Swifts in 1888, the Saddlers joined the Second Division in 1892. They have never played in the top flight. Their kit of red and white halves serves them well.
PLEASE SEND ALL INCOHERENT RANTS TO <GOOBNET@GOOBNET.NET>
© 2018 GOOBNET ENTERPRISES, INC [WHICH DOESN’T ACTUALLY EXIST HOWEVER]
THIS FILE ACCURATE AS OF: THU 06 DEC 2018 – 06:34:51 UTC · GENERATED IN 0.002 SECONDS
