WEEKLY WHINE

United passions for money

The crisis at FIFA, of course, continues without letup. In the last week alone, we have seen the election of the first female member of the FIFA executive committee, the suspension of the man responsible for providing much of the FBI’s evidence, and the suspension of the man responsible for evaluating the 2018 and 2022 Men’s World Cup bids.

Even Canadians have shown their disappointment in FIFA, as the 53,000 in attendance at the Women’s World Cup final serenaded Issa Hayatou – the highest ranking FIFA official who was willing to leave his house – with boos. Granted, most of those spectators were Americans, but still.

The GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network is continuing to keep you up to date on all things related to the FIFA crisis. Our full team of FIFA watchers is all over this story, from the moment the first suspects were whisked away from their hotel in Zürich. You will no doubt recall our first special on the arrests, titled “Beneath the Sheets with Arrested FIFA Officials”.

We would like to take this moment to emphasise to the Parents Television Council that that title does not mean what you think it means. As for the titles of most of our other specials, yes, those mean exactly what you think they mean. Especially “Inside Inside Amy Schumer”. Whatever you are thinking about that title, you are correct.

Anyway, to guide you in your viewing of the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network, here are the topics we will continue to keep you up to date on.

US REQUESTS EXTRADITION OF ARRESTED OFFICIALS
For sponsorship reasons, intelligence to be collected via Vitaminwaterboarding

BLAZER BANNED FROM FIFA
Men in Blazers already personæ non grata

MAYNE-NICHOLLS BANNED FROM FIFA
Blatter rapidly covering up evidence that maybe Qatar was risky pick

AFFLECK, DAMON TO PRODUCE FIFA FILM
Title to be selected: United Passions, Grumpy Old Men, Cathouse already taken

MARADONA TO RUN FOR FIFA PRESIDENCY?
Late night hosts await declaration from Donald Trump of football

NOBEL PEACE CENTRE TERMINATES AGREEMENT WITH FIFA
Handshake for Peace initiative to be replaced by Middle Finger for Blatter

OLIVER DONS MITTENS OF DISAPPROVAL
Must be important topic to interrupt six minutes of Mike and Molly

FIFA SPOKESMAN OUT
De Gregorio resigns after telling joke on TV – totally worth it