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WEEKLY WHINE

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So, the 2015 Women’s World Cup has come to an end. The American squad is partying like it’s 1999, the English squad is partying like it’s 1966, and the German and Japanese squads are still trying to figure out what hit them.

Was this tournament really as good as it seemed? Or was it merely a case of short term memory not being as good as you remember it? Let us now find out, as the GoobNet Football Committee rewards the best and punishes the worst.

OVERALL RANKING
ChampionPWDLGFGAPts
1United States761014319
SecondPWDLGFGAPts
2Japan760111818
ThirdPWDLGFGAPts
3England750210715
FourthPWDLGFGAPts
4Germany732220611
QuarterfinalsPWDLGFGAPts
5France531110310
6Canada5221438
7Australia5212557
8China PR5212447
Round of sixteenPWDLGFGAPts
9Brazil4301419
10Norway4211947
11Cameroon4202946
12Colombia4112454
13Netherlands4112344
14Korea Rep4112484
15Switzerland41031153
16Sweden4031583
Eliminated in group phasePWDLGFGAPts
17Thailand31023103
18Costa Rica3021342
19New Zealand3021232
20Spain3012241
21Nigeria3012361
22Mexico3012281
23Côte d’Ivoire30033160
24Ecuador30031170

GOOBNET FOOTBALL COMMITTEE MEMBERS

  • Deb Harratsch, managing editor, GoobNet
  • Debbie Myers, former host, Interaction
  • Amber Lynn, features editor, GoobNet
  • Wen Jialuen, GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED]

Best Match

Korea Rep 02-01 Spain, WED 17 JUN 2015

Debbie says: Spain were dominant in the first half but only led 1-0. Korea Rep equalised eight minutes into the second half – on their first shot on target of the match. Then the Koreans took the lead in the 78th minute on a cross that floated into the net over the head of Spanish goalkeeper Ainhoa Tirapu. After that, Spain woke up again and had one last chance to equalise in stoppage time, which would have left them dead even with Costa Rica on all tiebreakers. Fans of lot drawing were disappointed, however, when Sonia Bermúdez struck the bar with her free kick. Honourable mention to the Germany-France quarterfinal and to the Germany-England third place match.

Worst Match

Mexico 00-05 France, WED 17 JUN 2015

Deb says: Commentators are fond of saying of lopsided matches that “there was only ever one side in this”. Well, in this match, there must have been two sides, because one of the three goals that France scored in the first fifteen minutes was an own goal. France were clearly pissed off at their performance against Colombia in the previous match, and Mexico were their unfortunate victims.

Silliest Match

Switzerland 10-01 Ecuador, FRI 12 JUN 2015

Debbie says: Congratulations to Angie Ponce for scoring Ecuador’s first Women’s World Cup hat trick. Naysayers may respond that only one of her three goals was in the other team’s net, but naysayers gonna say nay.

Jennifer Aniston Award for the Minimum Amount of Flair

Japan

Amber Lynn says: Japan won their first six matches, all by a single goal. Some teams, however, like to win by more than the minimum, and we encourage that.

Best Name

Mana IWABUCHI, Japan

Wen says: Pronounced to the tune of “Bleeding Gums” Murphy’s birthday song for Lisa Simpson. Try it: Ma-na I-wa-bu-chi! Honourable mention to Lucy Bronze, despite all of the announcers who insisted upon describing her two goals with the phrase “Bronze has struck gold!”.

Worst Name

Célia ŠAŠIĆ, Germany

Deb says: There’s nothing wrong with Šašić’s name in itself, other than it made all of us here at GoobNet say “What? Sausage?”. But recall that she used to be Célia Okoyino da Mbabi. We are giving her this award because she voluntarily gave up that name and got a sausage in return.

Silliest Name

ZHAO Rong, China PR

Wen says: She conceded the penalty in China PR’s opening loss to Canada, a foul that was zhao wrong. To the Canadians, of course, it felt zhao right.

Best Hair

Karina LEBLANC, Canada

Amber Lynn says: Shaving a maple leaf into your hair? Really, Karina? You think you know us so well that you can predict exactly how to win this award? Well, you’re right. Here you go, Karina. Honourable mention to your teammate, Kadeisha Buchanan, and her red dreads.

Worst Hair

Darut CHANGPLOOK, Thailand

Amber Lynn says: We encourage Darut to start a Beatles tribute band: the Antifreeze Meanies.

Silliest Hair

Sophie SCHMIDT, Canada

Amber Lynn says: We had a few players trying to go for the Tintin look: Abby Wambach, Abby Erceg, Michelle Heyman. Even China PR’s Li Ying gave it a try. But only Sophie was willing to go for Pink Tintin.

Jeff Agoos ¡Autogolazo! Award

None

Wen says: Yeah. No. We’re not giving this award out this time.

Robert Green Award for the Greatest Catastrofuckup

Artificial turf

Wen says: At nearly every match, a sideline reporter placed a thermometer on the pitch and observed one of two things. Either the artificial turf was at least fifteen kelvins hotter than the air above it, or the artificial turf was so hot that it broke the thermometer. When players begin complaining about blistered feet, you have probably held your tournament on the wrong type of surface. Dishonourable mention to the fan fests: there was only one in the entire country, and they didn’t even bother to open it on half of the match days.

Best Referee

Kateryna MONZUL, Ukraine

Debbie says: During the final, Monzul didn’t blow any major calls, only missed one handball, and only got in the way of one pass. At this tournament, that was what passes for an excellent refereeing performance.

Worst Referee

Anna-Marie KEIGHLEY, New Zealand

Debbie says: An extraordinary pair of semifinals saw penalties awarded to all four teams, most of which were controversial in some way. In the Japan-England match, Keighley gave Japan a penalty for a foul that was actually outside the area, and then gave England a penalty for a foul that didn’t actually seem to happen. When we said we wanted consistent officiating, this is not quite what we had in mind.

Silliest Referee

Stéphanie FRAPPART, France

Debbie says: During the Australia-Nigeria match, Frappart missed Ugo Njoku’s elbow to the face of Sam Kerr, which got Njoku suspended for three matches. But in the United States-Colombia match in the round of 16, the red card to Colombia keeper Catalina Pérez looked like the right decision.

Amelia Bedelia Award for Following Instructions

Carli LLOYD, United States

Wen says: The US squad huddled up just before the second half of the quarterfinal against China PR. The FIFA microphones clearly caught Abby Wambach telling her teammates, “First ten minutes, we get a fucking goal!” Six minutes into the half, Lloyd got a fucking goal.

Best Uniforms

Primary kits, Cameroon

Deb says: When do green, red, and yellow go together? Any time Cameroon are playing an international match, of course. We would also have accepted “any time Serena Williams is playing a tennis tournament”.

Worst Uniforms

Secondary kits, Japan

Deb says: When do fluorescent yellow, pink, and blue go together? Never, of course. We would also have accepted “AAAAH MY EYES THEY BURN!!!”.

Silliest Uniforms

Primary kits, United States

Deb says: Much has been made of the US not wearing American colours. But in fact they are. If you stare at the American flag for a long time and then look away, black and green will be burned into your retinas; likewise, if you stare at these kits for a long time and then look away, red, white, and blue will be burned into your retinas. ’Merica!

Madonna Award for Striking a Pose and the Amount to It There Is

China PR

Amber Lynn says: Last year, we had immense fun with the FIFA lineup graphics, in which the players turned to the camera and folded their arms. The players at this Women’s World Cup were much better at this process than the male players last year. Still, for the Chinese players, timing was an issue. A number of players, such as Wang Shanshan and Li Dongna, couldn’t quite complete the process within the allocated time; their pictures were already disappearing from the screen by the time they found the camera.

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