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WEEKLY WHINE

Help the 2016 Men’s European Championship

So the draw for the 2016 Men’s European Championship took place in Paris on Saturday, and many people were shocked at the outcome, including us here at GoobNet.

Although we have regularly campaigned for the mass arrest and incarceration of all personnel above entry level at FIFA and UEFA, we did not expect US attorney general Loretta Lynch to storm the stage and shout out “Right, what’s all this then?”. We also did not expect her to throw blankets over Ruud Gullit and Vicente del Bosque and shove them roughly off the stage. We were equally surprised that she slapped handcuffs on Michel Platini and accused him of running an illegal lottery. Nor did we expect her to arrive with several large, oddly shaped men behind her who seized the ping pong balls from each and every bowl, sealing them all in individual plastic bags with meticulously written labels of the form “Exhibit A: Ball Containing the Name of a Country In the Set {Belgium, England, Germany, Portugal, Spain}”.

Well, okay, we were secretly hoping all of this would happen. But that’s totally not the same thing.

These events may hinder the preparations for the upcoming European Championship, particularly when you consider that the interruption of the draw leaves many of the participating teams without any idea whom they are going to play, or when, or why. Therefore, we are going to help by conducting the draw ourselves.

But then we got this link that Edvard forwarded to us, and we’ve been watching it continuously since then. It enhances original footage from Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope to show an additional message that R2D2 stored. Really, the effects are stunning. You have to see it to believe it. If you are prepared to waste your entire day rewatching, view it here.

Done? Yeah, we know, you wasted a full day of your life on it too. It’s that good. In fact, go ahead and watch it a few more times. We’ll wait.

Anyway, despite the fact that you have now lost two days of your life, it is still not too late to help the 2016 Men’s European Championship. 23 teams are waiting desperately to discover their opponents, and because we were watching that awesome video, it’s up to you to perform the draw. To start you out, we have arranged the teams into the actual pots, with the highest ranked teams in Pot 1. Drag the teams into different pots if you like, and then start the draw.

Once you’ve completed your draw, we invite you to send it to UEFA with the subject “Help the 2016 Men’s European Championship”. Note that they may refuse your help and deny that the draw was interrupted in any way, or that any former Dutch footballers were arrested. If so, please send your results to us at <goobnet‍@‍goobnet.net>. We will personally deliver the results to Michel Platini’s cell.

POT 1 POT 2 POT 3 POT 4

France [A]

Belgium

England

Germany

Portugal

Spain

Austria

Croatia

Italy

Russia

Switzerland

Ukraine

Czech Rep

Hungary

Poland

Romania

Slovakia

Sweden

Albania

Iceland

Ireland

Northern Ireland

Turkey

Wales

GROUP A
France
 
 
 
GROUP B
 
 
 
 
GROUP C
 
 
 
 
GROUP D
 
 
 
 
GROUP E
 
 
 
 
GROUP F
 
 
 
 

PLEASE SEND ALL PUTRID FILTH TO <GOOBNET‍@‍GOOBNET.NET>

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