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WEEKLY WHINE

Attack eyebrows are in place

So this year is nearly complete. What are your impressions of it?

Well, that’s an interesting perspective. We weren’t expecting you to feel that way about Tony Abbott. Are you sure you wouldn’t be willing to let him keep those?

Thank you for asking about our impressions. We here at GoobNet wish to reject this 2015 and substitute our own, one in which nobody voluntarily killed anyone else for any reason, Doctor Who’s ratings are much higher, and Donald Trump’s poll numbers are much lower.

The actual 2015 had some serious problems, but there were still some positive events. Let us now identify some good things about this year. But of course, we will also go ahead and pick out the bad things too. That’s just how things function here at GoobNet.

Note: Events of the remaining few days of 2015 may still invalidate everything shown below. If so, who cares?

GOOBNET 2015 REVIEW COMMITTEE MEMBERS

  • Reginald J Goober, founder and CEO, GoobNet Enterprises, Inc [which doesn’t actually exist however]
  • Amber Lynn, features editor, GoobNet
  • Debbie Myers, former host, Interaction
  • Gaby Gandalucci, GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED]

Capt Chesley A ‘Sully’ Sullenberger Award for the Most Awesome Achievement

New Shepard soft landing, United States

Amber Lynn says: Travelling to space is expensive. One reason for this is that nobody has yet figured out how to build a completely reusable launch vehicle. But Blue Origins is well on its way now that it has performed soft landings of both the payload and the launcher. SpaceX followed with a soft landing of the first stage of its Falcon.

Best Event

Suspension of Sepp BLATTER and Michel PLATINI, Switzerland

Debbie says: They should have been suspended for enabling the rampant corruption, influence peddling, gouging of ticket prices, and extracting favourable laws from tournament host nations. But instead, they were suspended for a one time payment that they claim was totally legal under Swiss law. Well, we’ll take it.

Worst Event

FRI 13 NOV 2015 Paris attacks, France

Gaby says: If you have to specify which Paris attacks, you know it has been a violent year. Dishonourable mention to the Baga massacres, the Kobanî massacre, the Garissa massacre, flight KGL9268, flight 4U9525, and the other Paris attacks.

Silliest Event

Women’s World Cup final, Canada

Amber Lynn says: This final had everything: a hat trick, a goal from midfield, an own goal, two first half substitutions, two garbage time substitutions for retiring veterans, and a Mountie bringing out the trophy.

Sark’s Abolition of Feudalism ‘Well, It’s About Fucking Time’ Award

Black Lives Matter movement, United States

Gaby says: Amidst events such as the Michael Brown shooting, the Walter Scott shooting, the Charleston, SC shooting, the Freddie Gray incident, the Sandra Bland incident, and protests in Baltimore, MD and on college campuses across the country, Americans have decided that enough is enough.

Eyebrows of the Year

Peter CAPALDI, United Kingdom

Amber Lynn says: Good old Attack Eyebrows himself takes this award. Whether he’s having a heart to heart with Davros, pontificating at Kate Stewart, raging at Ashildr, showing off in his mind palace, staring down the Time Lords, or moon eyeing River Song, the Twelfth Doctor’s eyebrows steal the show, conveying anything from seriousness to silliness, subtlety to strength.

Chris Farley Memorial ‘Lah-Dee-Freakin-Dah’ Award for Excellence in Irrelevance

Ben CARSON, United States

Debbie says: When people begin to describe you with the phrase “out-crazied by Donald Trump”, it might be time to reexamine your life.

Bob Barker Award for Game Show Spectacularity

1000 Heartbeats, United Kingdom

Debbie says: This is an ordinary quiz game, but with a heart. Literally: the player is connected to a pulse monitor, and the game ends after the player’s heart has beat one thousand times. We particularly enjoy the on set string quartet that plays in time with the player’s heartbeat.

Million Second Quiz Award for the Most Overhyped Game Show

500 Questions, United States

Debbie says: This game had all the ingredients of a prime time quiz show event: a recognisable host [Richard Quest], a repetitive catch phrase [“If you get three wrongs in a row, you are gone!”], and good contestants [“What makes him a genius?!”]. But it had some glaring flaws: the money accumulates slowly, battle questions don’t clear the wrongs if all correct answers are exhausted, and nobody knows what happens if someone actually gets to 500 questions. Most importantly, the five hundred questions were missing; they only got to about 380 questions over seven episodes.

Best Film

The Martian, United States

Gaby says: One film per year with a realistic portrayal of space travel? Sure, we’ll take that.

Least Required Film

Ant-Man, United States

Gaby says: And still no Wonder Woman film. Still, though, this film taught us one important lesson: ants use Arial. Dishonourable mention to Fantastic Four, a re-reboot.

Best Series of Themed Sport Uniforms

Christmas Day uniforms, NBA

Reg says: For several years, all NBA teams playing on Christmas Day have worn a common uniform style. This year, everyone wore one of their normal kits, but with the team name and shirt number in an attractive script style. Well done, NBA. You might yet survive this season.

Worst Series of Themed Sport Uniforms

Star Wars uniforms, United States and Canada

Reg says: For several years now, minor league teams – particularly baseball and ice hockey – have been hosting Star Wars nights, on which they wear single use kits in the style of storm troopers, Wookiees, droids, or even Sith.

Silliest Series of Themed Sport Uniforms

Colour Rush uniforms, NFL

Reg says: In a desperate bid to bring attention to the most harmful day of the week for NFL games, the league instituted a promotion called Colour Rush this year. Both teams wear monochromatic kits, usually both in colours. The Carolina-Dallas game on Thanksgiving was actually somewhat attractive. The Tampa Bay-St Louis game was a hot dog, though the Rams did have some fun with their field design. But then there was the Buffalo-NY Jets game. In fact...

Robert Green Award for the Greatest Catastrofuckup

Buffalo Bills-New York Jets Colour Rush uniforms, NFL

Reg says: When the New York Jets hosted Buffalo on THU 12 NOV 2015, New York wore green, whilst Buffalo wore red. Sounds fun, right? Well, for those with red-green colour blindness – about six percent of the male population – this game was problematic.

Jonathan Weed Award for Characters Taken From Us Too Soon

Sepp BLATTER, Switzerland

Amber Lynn says: We were all set to give this award to Clara Oswald, but then she was just given right back to us. Instead, we’ll give it to Captain Self Unaware. Whether he’s playing the wrongly accused victim, expanding the ethics committee’s powers without realising that they can now investigate him, or telephoning his mother after a comedian interrupts his press conference, Sepp Blatter was always a source of entertainment.

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