WEEKLY WHINE

Let us look down the ballot

The United States presidential election is not interesting.

That’s right, we said it. And we dare you to find any evidence to the contrary.

Okay, fine, the accusations of sexual assault by Donald Trump are interesting.

And the leaked tape of Donald Trump explaining how and why he sexually assaults women is also interesting.

And Donald Trump’s counteraccusations of sexual assault by Bill Clinton are also interesting.

And Donald Trump’s persistent inability to take responsibility for his own actions is also interesting.

And Donald Trump’s repeated attempts to invoke some aspect of his business experience with regard to every single topic, no matter how irrelevant, are also interesting.

And Donald Trump’s repeated attempts to deny having said something that he very clearly said whilst television cameras and microphones were functioning are also interesting.

And Donald Trump’s repeated attempts to attack the news media for actually daring to ask him salient questions about his past missteps, how they illustrate concerning aspects of his judgment, and whether voters should keep them in mind when they are deciding whether or not to vote him into the highest office in the land next month are also interesting.

But those interesting things are not as interesting as the United States senatorial elections. There are 34 seats up for election, and the 115th Senate is likely to be very close. FiveThirtyEight is currently claiming a 48% probability that the Democratic Party will win a majority in the Senate, a 36% probability that the Republican Party will win a majority, and a 16% probability that both parties will end up with fifty seats. Per Senate rules, in the event of a tie, the vice president casts the deciding vote.

So, yes, maybe the presidential election will turn out to be interesting.

But for now, the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network is devoting most of our resources to the 34 US senatorial elections. So join us for our live coverage of every news conference, every debate, and every campaign finance report. You can expect to see us pay particular attention to the races in the following states.

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NORTH CAROLINA: BURR V ROSS
Race to be decided in bathroom

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FLORIDA: RUBIO V MURPHY
Rubio turning in remarkable performance for someone who’s not running

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INDIANA: YOUNG V BAYH
Debate moderator to quiz candidates on their addresses

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MISSOURI: BLUNT V KANDER
Washington insider takes on Jefferson City insider

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NEVADA: CORTEZ MASTO V HECK
Nevada to send first Latina or first Roman Catholic osteopathic physician to Senate

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NEW HAMPSHIRE: AYOTTE V HASSAN
Candidates agreed to not agree upon campaign spending limits

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PENNSYLVANIA: TOOMEY V MCGINTY
Whose focus will be more reminiscent of a laser?

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WISCONSIN: JOHNSON V FEINGOLD
Wisconsinites condemned to repeatedly vote on Johnson, Feingold for all eternity