Samsan Gymnasium

Rich: Today, we five players are after biiiig Silly Bucks! But we’ll have to avoid Wangsimni, as we play the most multidirectional game of our lives! From GoobNet SPEED headquarters in Mornington Crescent, it’s time to play Samsan Gymnasium!

Jhonny: Finally! How long have I been begging you to play this game?

Rich: Twenty six minutes.

Jhonny: Oh.

Rich: Well, Jhonny, as you’re the one who’s been begging for this game, why not decide our rule set?

Jhonny: Can we play the Atlas Mountain variant?

Gaby: Is that the one where Sungshin Women’s University is a stopper?

Jhonny: Yes, Sungshin Women’s University and Mapo are the stoppers.

Gaby: Wait, Mapo is a stopper?

Rich: I thought Kkachiul was a stopper, too.

Jhonny: No, you’re thinking of the Zagros Mountain variant.

Rich: Oh, right, right. Okay, so everyone clear on the rules?

Jasmine: Clear as the glass shard I’m going to use to slit my wrists.

Wen: I’m using it after you.

Rich: Come on, you guys. This is a great game. And you guys are so good at it.

Jasmine: We’re good at angering and frustrating the entire world.

Rich: Like I said. Jasmine, want to go first?

Jasmine: No, I’d rather hit the fire alarm and evacuate every single station on the EverLine.

Wen: I’ll help.

Rich: Well, could you just make the first move for us?

Jasmine: Fine. Hanti.

Rich: Right. Well, that’s an interesting start.

Jhonny: Sucks for you, though.

Gaby: Kind of a middle finger right in your face.

Jasmine: No, this would be a middle finger right in your face. [holds middle finger in front of Rich’s face]

Wen: Well played.

Rich: I’m just going to assume that was due to the stress. I will accordingly play to Sinchon.

Jhonny: Line 2 Sinchon or Gyeongui-Jungang Line Sinchon?

Rich: Gyeongui-Jungang Line.

Jhonny: Oh, of course. Line 2 Sinchon would be illegal.

Gaby: Why?

Jhonny: It would be a Barkley anger turn.

Gaby: A what?

Jhonny: A Barkley anger turn.

Gaby: I have no idea what that is.

Rich: It’s when you stake a round call that’s also an Aberdeenshire muffin.

Jhonny: Yeah. You can’t do that until two circuits have been completed.

Gaby: So that would be a valid play on Rich’s third turn.

Jhonny: Right.

Rich: Okay, well, you’re next, Jhonny.

Jhonny: Okay. Hmmm... how about Banpo?

Rich: That’s impressive.

Jhonny: Well, it was the first thing I came up with.

Rich: Maybe, but it really is a good move. I mean, it’s clear that you’re building towards a Roland Express endgame.

Jhonny: Well, I don’t know if you guys are going to go along with that, but yes, that’s kind of what I had in mind.

Gaby: Okay. Well, in that case, I think I should play to Guro.

Rich: Really? That surprises me.

Gaby: Why’s that?

Rich: Well, I’m just thinking of that quarterfinal in the 1994 Samsan Gymnasium championships. Baker made that same move, Banpo to Guro, and she was eliminated two moves later.

Gaby: The 1994 championships? You know what happened in the 1994 championships?

Rich: I was just reading a book about it last week.

Gaby: You’re always reading books about these games, like, right before we play them.

Wen: The motherfucker cheats.

Rich: What? No I don’t!

Wen: Sure you do. You’re the one who decides what we’re going to play. So you get to study all the strategy books whilst we’re just sitting around and shit. Then you come in and you’re all, “Hey, guess what? We’re going to play this game. Oh, and it just happens to be, by a remarkable coincidence, the exact same game I’ve been studying up on for the last week! Too bad, suckers! You should have guessed what game I was going to pick!”

Gaby: Well, we did do the thing about the Seoul metro last week.

Wen: So? How the fuck are we supposed to know that we’re actually going to play the game? I mean, how long has it been since we’ve actually played one of these rectal punching transit games?

Jhonny: Almost seven years.

Gaby: “Rectal punching”?

Jasmine: She’s being charitable.

Jhonny: Why, how would you describe it?

Jasmine: Put it this way. I would rather have a colonoscopy administered by the hosts of The Real. I would rather eat a bowl full of Skittles handed to me by Donald Trump Jr. I would rather ski down a cliff into Death Valley on the 19th of August with a space heater hot glued to my pussy lips than play this piece of cyanide game.

Jhonny: What’s The Real?

Jasmine: It’s, like, this shitty knockoff of The View.

Jhonny: Wait, how many daytime talk shows are there where the title is “The” and then a four letter word? The View, The Real, The Talk.

Rich: The Chew.

Jhonny: What’s that?

Rich: It’s the same thing, but they’re all chefs.

Wen: And The Five.

Rich: What’s that one?

Jhonny: It’s on Fox News.

Wen: Yeah. It’s the same thing, but they’re all complete and utter idiots.

Jhonny: So, Fox News.

Wen: Samantha Bee did this awesome bit about it on The Daily Show once.

Gaby: We should totally do one.

Jhonny: A talk show?

Gaby: Yeah. Just, like, us five sitting around talking about shit.

Wen: Hello, and welcome to GoobNet’s The Shit! Today, we look ahead to the second presidential debate. Which candidate will interrupt the other more? Which candidate will avoid more of the public’s questions? We have all the answers that we just made up and that you could have predicted anyway!

Jhonny: Sounds like it should be called No Shit instead.

Wen: That’ll be our news report with Mike Yard.

Rich: So... whose turn is it?

Gaby: Oh, right. We’re playing a game.

Jasmine: You’re playing a game. Wen and I are having the life slowly drained out of us through our nipples.

Gaby: What does that even mean?

Jasmine: I don’t fucking care. I’m having the life slowly drained out of me through my nipples.

Gaby: Anyway, I had the last move.

Rich: That’s right. You went to Guro. So it’s you next, Wen.

Wen: I’ll play to the place where despair parks its car in front of the onrushing train of listlessness.

Rich: Please use the station’s official name.

Wen: Samsan motherfucking Gymnasium.

Jhonny: Whoa.

Rich: Oh.

Wen: Can we go home now?

Rich: No.

Wen: Rich, I’ve had it with this shit. We play these fucking transit games when you know that Jasmine and I detest them with every cell in our fucking bodies. And then you act all surprised and shit when one of us ends it at the first opportunity? What the fuck do you expect, you little container of vaginal fluids drained from the hosts of The Real?

Rich: I suppose you would like to be in charge of the SPEED instead.

Wen: Not really.

Rich: Well, you are.

Wen: What? What are... what are you talking about?

Rich: You know. I’m leaving.

Wen: Leaving what?

Rich: I’m leaving GoobNet.

Wen: What? You’re leaving? When? Where did this come from?

Gaby: Wait, you didn’t know?

Wen: Of course I didn’t know. Nobody told me. If you don’t fucking tell me, how the fuck am I supposed to know?

Jhonny: You seriously didn’t know?

Wen: Jhonny fucking knew? And I didn’t? Am I the only one?

Jhonny: Didn’t you read Reg’s E-mail?

Wen: Of course not. I don’t read those things. He only talks about, like, earnings, and advisory boards, and shit. You know, shit that has nothing to do with us.

Rich: Well, that one did have something to do with you. I didn’t want it to be a big thing, but yes, I’m going to Chicago. I’m joining a website that’s based there, and I’m going to do commentary on a couple of different things. Probably sports a lot, and maybe a little culture.

Wen: So... who’s gonna be in charge of the SPEED?

Rich: I just said. You.

Wen: What?

Rich: You’re the new chair of the GoobNet SPEED, Wen.

Wen: Why would... why would you want me? I mean... I just spent this entire meeting talking shit about you.

Rich: Exactly. You clearly have a lot of ideas about how to run the place.

Wen: I... I don’t understand. This makes no sense.

Rich: Just call it your prize for winning the game.

Wen: I’m not calling it that.

Rich: Then call it your prize for being the most consistently hilarous and having the most bitingly sarcastic one liners.

Wen: That qualifies me for leadership?

Rich: See?

Wen: Yeah, but still, why would you look at sarcasm instead of... you know... people skills? Ability to motivate?

Jhonny: Have you met us?

Gaby: Yeah. Sarcasm is what motivates us.

Jasmine: Yeah. Here, I’ll show you: Listen, Wen, you’re gonna be the best female leader we’ve ever had.

Wen: Thanks. Thanks for that ringing endorsement.

Rich: See? You guys are in good hands.

Gaby: Hands that could use some lotion.