WEEKLY WHINE

Say a different place

There are many famous galaxies. The Milky Way. The Magellanic Clouds. The Los Angeles Galaxy. The Galaxy Far Far Away.

However, the most famous galaxy that actually exists, that is an astronomical galaxy, and that is not our own galaxy is probably the Andromeda Galaxy. This galaxy is the only one in our Local Group that is larger than our own Milky Way, and it is the first that a human – Edwin Hubble – recognised as being outside of our own Milky Way.

Humans will no doubt visit the Andromeda Galaxy at some point. However, if we do not go there soon, the Andromeda Galaxy will, like the Statue of Liberty, get impatient. The Andromeda Galaxy is moving toward us and is currently expected to crash into the Milky Way in about 4,000,000,000 years. This will no doubt be spectacularly awesome and, as a bonus, will probably not destroy Earth.

Many of you are also fans of the Andromeda Galaxy and have sent us your questions about it. We have now selected some of the most questionable questions and will retrieve them from the GoobNet Mailbox. As always, because we cannot be totally sure what has happened inside the GoobNet Mailbox overnight, please stand within the Red Area Dispensing Ions Utterly Safely. You can be sure that it is utterly safe. It’s right there in the name. After all, it was certified by one of the Deschanel sisters. And her ability to certify Red Areas Dispensing Ions Utterly Safely was certified by the other Deschanel sister.

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If I travelled at the speed of light, how long would it take me to reach the Andromeda Galaxy?

– Jorge Espedillo
Berkeley, CA, USA

To those of us in the rest of the Universe, about 2,540,000 years. But in your reference frame, it would take you zero seconds, because you are travelling at the speed of light.

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Is it true that Andromeda was chained to a rock in a myth?

– Yasmine Jhaudpari
Cocoa Beach, FL, USA

Yes. Andromeda was the daughter of the Ethiopian king and queen, Cepheus and Cassiopeia. As punishment for Cassiopeia’s claim that Andromeda was more beautiful than the Nereids, Poseidon deployed Cetus the sea monster to destroy Ethiopia. Andromeda was chained to a rock as a sacrifice, and Perseus later rescued her.

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Andromeda was Ethiopian? So why is she always white in all of those so called “classic” paintings?

– Abigail Branebeck
San Antonio, TX, USA

We here at GoobNet would like to announce that the works of Andromeda by Rubens, Titian, and Rembrandt are being recalled due to chromatic errors. These works are to be sent back to us immediately for recolouration. Just address them to GoobNet Enterprises, Inc. They will get to us. We promise.

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Are you as excited about Mass Effect: Andromeda as I am?

– Samuel Brainsample
London, England, UK

In order to answer that question, we would need to know how excited you are about it. However, we suspect that we really don’t want to know that.

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Why did the Andromedans come to Earth?

– Josiah Self
Bartleton, UT, USA

They mean to win Wimbledon.

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The Andromeda Galaxy’s sense of humour is really warped.

– Jessi Blorfington
Noodleton, BC, Canada

All together now: How warped is it?

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About 10,000 light years! Ha ha ha!

– Jessi Blorfington
Noodleton, BC, Canada

That joke left me feeling ______.

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Why is the Andromeda Galaxy a thing?

– Saeef Karpashikene
Bayamón, PR, USA

We already did ontology. Go away.