WEEKLY WHINE

2017 GoobNet Fears of Donald J Trump Championship: Results

Here are the results of the first GoobNet Fears of Donald J Trump Championship, determining the person, group, or thing that Donald J Trump most fears.

This was a thrilling tournament, with action at all of our host sites, which were selected from amongst the most popular sanctuary cities in the United States. The regional semifinals and finals were hosted by Chicago, New Orleans, Boston, and New York City. The final two rounds were held in San Francisco.

The tournament was off to an inauspicious start, of course, when we here at GoobNet were crushed by independent thought – an event that, admittedly, occurs with alarming regularity. But in the end, there were a great many thrilling encounters in the first two rounds. Spending weekends in the White House put up a solid fight against the material Vladimir Putin has on Donald J Trump, though Putin’s blackmail ammunition survived in overtime. At the last second, lesbians prevailed over the poor in the Ithaca Sectional, although they were defeated handily by having to let others talk in the very next round.

Many of the pretournament favourites, like women, consequences, and being called out, failed to reach the Scary Sixteen. We suspect that many of the pundits in the dishonest media were confused by the premise of the tournament – we were looking for the thing that Donald J Trump is most afraid of, not what he should be most afraid of.

When we arrived in the Bay Area, we found that two of the eighth seeds had accompanied us in the Frightening Four. Showing weakness sent a clear message to the seeding committee by making short work of the New York City Regional, but its semifinal opponent, being laughed at, was a challenge too far. After making the final by defeating independent thought, impotence proved to be stiff opposition to being laughed at. But in the second half, it became clear that were Donald J Trump impotent, he would be afraid of it precisely because he would be laughed at.

So, that means it is time for us to offer our sincere thanks to all of the participating fears, all of the host cities that provided us sanctuary, and every single volunteer who pitched in and helped us navigate the tournament. Please join us in congratulating our champion, being laughed at. Feel free to honour its achievement by laughing at Donald J Trump at every opportunity.

CHICAGO REGIONAL

NEW ORLEANS REGIONAL

BOSTON REGIONAL

NEW YORK CITY REGIONAL

SAN FRANCISCO FINAL ROUNDS