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WEEKLY WHINE

2017 GoobNet Fears of Donald J Trump Championship: Results

Here are the results of the first GoobNet Fears of Donald J Trump Championship, determining the person, group, or thing that Donald J Trump most fears.

This was a thrilling tournament, with action at all of our host sites, which were selected from amongst the most popular sanctuary cities in the United States. The regional semifinals and finals were hosted by Chicago, New Orleans, Boston, and New York City. The final two rounds were held in San Francisco.

The tournament was off to an inauspicious start, of course, when we here at GoobNet were crushed by independent thought – an event that, admittedly, occurs with alarming regularity. But in the end, there were a great many thrilling encounters in the first two rounds. Spending weekends in the White House put up a solid fight against the material Vladimir Putin has on Donald J Trump, though Putin’s blackmail ammunition survived in overtime. At the last second, lesbians prevailed over the poor in the Ithaca Sectional, although they were defeated handily by having to let others talk in the very next round.

Many of the pretournament favourites, like women, consequences, and being called out, failed to reach the Scary Sixteen. We suspect that many of the pundits in the dishonest media were confused by the premise of the tournament – we were looking for the thing that Donald J Trump is most afraid of, not what he should be most afraid of.

When we arrived in the Bay Area, we found that two of the eighth seeds had accompanied us in the Frightening Four. Showing weakness sent a clear message to the seeding committee by making short work of the New York City Regional, but its semifinal opponent, being laughed at, was a challenge too far. After making the final by defeating independent thought, impotence proved to be stiff opposition to being laughed at. But in the second half, it became clear that were Donald J Trump impotent, he would be afraid of it precisely because he would be laughed at.

So, that means it is time for us to offer our sincere thanks to all of the participating fears, all of the host cities that provided us sanctuary, and every single volunteer who pitched in and helped us navigate the tournament. Please join us in congratulating our champion, being laughed at. Feel free to honour its achievement by laughing at Donald J Trump at every opportunity.

CHICAGO REGIONAL

LOS ANGELES SECTIONAL

01. Independent thought

04. Attention spans

01. Independent thought

02. Properly fitting suits

01. Independent thought

16. GoobNet

01. Independent thought

08. Admitting failure

08. Admitting failure

09. History

04. Attention spans

13. John Oliver

04. Attention spans

05. Muslims

05. Muslims

12. Citing references

ITHACA SECTIONAL

02. Properly fitting suits

03. Having to let others talk

02. Properly fitting suits

15. Substance

02. Properly fitting suits

10. Mexicans

07. Gays

10. Mexicans

03. Having to let others talk

14. Releasing tax returns

03. Having to let others talk

06. Lesbians

06. Lesbians

11. Poor

NEW ORLEANS REGIONAL

SEATTLE SECTIONAL

08. Impotence

04. Pussies without EZ Grip handles

08. Impotence

02. The material Vladimir Putin has on him

01. Irrelevance

16. Tiffany Trump

01. Irrelevance

08. Impotence

08. Impotence

09. Having to provide details

04. Pussies without EZ Grip handles

13. Ted Cruz

04. Pussies without EZ Grip handles

12. Non-gold plated building materials

05. Immigrants

12. Non-gold plated building materials

CINCINNATI SECTIONAL

02. The material Vladimir Putin has on him

03. Responsibility

02. The material Vladimir Putin has on him

15. Spending weekends in the White House

02. The material Vladimir Putin has on him

07. Being called out

07. Being called out

10. The cast of Hamilton

03. Responsibility

14. Data

03. Responsibility

06. Consequences

06. Consequences

11. Explanations

BOSTON REGIONAL

HOUSTON SECTIONAL

01. Nuance

04. Not being validated

04. Not being validated

02. Being laughed at

01. Nuance

16. Spiders

01. Nuance

08. Being forgotten

08. Being forgotten

09. Comedians

04. Not being validated

13. Meryl Streep

04. Not being validated

05. Investigative reporters

05. Investigative reporters

12. China

DENVER SECTIONAL

02. Being laughed at

03. Not having the last word

02. Being laughed at

15. Hillary Clinton

02. Being laughed at

10. Caitlyn Jenner

07. Drag queens

10. Caitlyn Jenner

03. Not having the last word

14. Newspapers

03. Not having the last word

11. African-Americans

06. Millennials

11. African-Americans

NEW YORK CITY REGIONAL

PORTLAND SECTIONAL

08. Showing weakness

04. Not being talked about

08. Showing weakness

02. Being ordinary

01. Facts

16. Prompters

01. Facts

08. Showing weakness

08. Showing weakness

09. Saturday Night Live

04. Not being talked about

13. Objective evidence

04. Not being talked about

05. Doctors

05. Doctors

12. Institutional memory

AUSTIN SECTIONAL

02. Being ordinary

03. Speechwriters

02. Being ordinary

15. Reading executive orders

02. Being ordinary

10. Women

07. The material Steve Bannon has on him

10. Women

03. Speechwriters

14. Books

03. Speechwriters

11. Being found out

06. Alec Baldwin

11. Being found out

SAN FRANCISCO FINAL ROUNDS

01. Independent thought

08. Impotence

08. Impotence

02. Being laughed at

02. Being laughed at

08. Showing weakness

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