Mila Kunis sacrifices Gina Rodriguez

Deb: Hi everybody! Hey, welcome to another GoobNet presentation of Whose Line Is It Anyway! It’s the place where everything is made up and the points don’t matter! Yes, the points are completely useless and a waste of everyone’s time. Just like White House press briefings. So who’s here today? She’s mad as a hatter, Debbie Myers!

Debbie: [nods]

Deb: She’s fit as a fiddle, Susana Alves!

Susana: [waves]

Deb: She’s happy as a clam, Wen Jialuen!

Wen: [waves]

Deb: And, she’s wet as a rock, Amber Lynn!

Amber Lynn: I’m wet as a what?

Deb: And me, I’m solid as a fish, Deb Harratsch! Welcome everyone. Ready to do all this again?

Wen: This is our first all female one, right?

Deb: Yeah. Usually Edvard and Reg are here.

Susana: So how come they’re not here this time?

Deb: Well, Reg is sick as a dog. And Edvard is weird as fuck.

Amber Lynn: Well, we all know how weird fuck is.

Debbie: Particularly at your place, Amber Lynn.

Deb: Yes. So this is the sort of thing you guys have to look forward to tonight. We’re going to make up everything, completely off the top of our heads. We’ll be starting with suggestions on these cards, which they’ve never seen before, or from the audience. Then I give you guys points, based on an arcane set of rules that were discovered far beneath the North Pole by a NASA satellite and decoded by a team of investigators from all over Saskatchewan. Then at the end, I pick a winner, which has nothing to do with the points that had been awarded up to that point. The winner gets to do something fun with me, and the losers have to explain it to their mothers.

Susana: Wait, who deciphered the rules?

Deb: A team from Saskatchewan.

Amber Lynn: From all over Saskatchewan.

Susana: Including Medicine Hat?

Debbie: Medicine Hat’s in Alberta.

Deb: [points thumb over shoulder] Well, one of them went to Medicine Hat for college.

Wen: Yeah. Deciphering college.

Susana: [to Debbie] Wait, how do you even know where Medicine Hat is?

Debbie: I don’t know. I just do. I mean, you know it exists, right? You mentioned it in the first place.

Amber Lynn: Yeah! You’re the one who brought it up!

Deb: And you’re sorry you did, I bet. Anyway, let’s get it all going. We’re going to start with Hollywood Director. This one is for everybody. Amber Lynn, Susana, and Wen are going to do a scene. Then Debbie is going to come in after they do their first take, because she’s the Hollywood director who’s going to give them different notes for the next takes. And there are your notes, Debbie. [hands envelope to Debbie] We asked the audience to write down some notes for Debbie to give to the others. She’s got them there in that envelope, and she’s never seen any of them before. So here’s the scene. Susana and Wen have parachuted into the jungle searching for a lost tomb raider, played by Amber Lynn. But when they finally find the tomb raider, they discover that something is very wrong with her. Dramatic chord. So there’s the scene. Susana and Wen, start when you’re ready, and then the others will come in later.

Susana: So what was her last known position?

Wen: [mimes holding device] About a mile and a half that way.

Susana: Great, let’s go.

Wen: So what do you think happened to her?

Susana: Well, the Friends with Benefits tribe lives not too far from here. It’s possible that she may have encountered them.

Wen: Right, the Friends with Benefits tribe. The tribe that worships the 2011 film with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis.

Susana: Kind of a strange thing to worship.

Wen: I worship Satan.

Susana: [stops, stands up straight] What did you say?

Wen: I said I worship Satan. [shrugs] I’m sorry. I thought you knew.

Susana: You never said anything to me.

Wen: I thought the whole battalion knew. I mean, I’ve got that picture of Satan in my locker. And I wear this locket around my neck. [mimes showing locket to Susana] Here, see?

Susana: [mimes opening locket; pause, then, confused] Wait. This is a picture of Mila Kunis.

Wen: Yeah. Exactly.

Susana: [pause] You mean... [steps backward, mouth slowly opening in horror] You mean... Mila Kunis is... Satan?!

Wen: Yeah. [shrugs] Why did you think I had that picture of her in my locker?

Susana: I... I thought it was because you wanted her to strip you down and smear warm hummus all over your body.

Wen: Well, yes, but... Josephine, please don’t think any different of me now that you know this. I... I mean, it doesn’t change anything about me. We can still work together.

Susana: No, no. I know. It’s just... you never said anything.

Wen: Well, I’m not really all that observant. I mean, I only go to the virgin sacrifices, like, once a year.

Susana: No, no, no. It’s okay, Becca. You see... I worship Satan too.

Wen: What? [delighted] You... you do?

Susana: Yes, absolutely. I just... you know... didn’t know what she looked like.

Wen: Oh. Don’t you read our newsletter?

Susana: Proceedings of the National Tetherball Foundation? Of course I do. I guess I just missed that issue.

Wen: Oh, yeah. There was a big cover story. She revealed herself to the world, told us where her army of undead warriors was going to come from.

Susana: Really? Where?

Wen: Behind the Smart and Final, apparently.

Susana: Oh.

Wen: Josephine, this is wonderful news. Look, when we get back, we’ll talk all about Satan, and her projects, and hummus. But first we still have to find Professor Jantley.

Susana: Yes, you’re right. We haven’t seen her yet. [projecting; towards Amber Lynn] I really would have thought she’d have shown up by now.

Wen: Yes. [projecting; towards Amber Lynn] It’s as though she’s being a total ass, hiding from us all this time.

Amber Lynn: [entering; miming examining something in her hand] Where did you come from, you fascinating little – [looks up at Susana and Wen] Oh. Hello. Who are you?

Wen: We’re from the Navy, Professor Jantley.

Susana: Yeah. We’re here to rescue you.

Amber Lynn: Rescue? What are you talking about? I’ve got everything I could ever want here. The food is great. There are plenty of mannequins I can dress up and put in various poses.

Susana: [to Wen] My Lucifer. She’s gone native.

Wen: Professor, don’t you want to come back to civilisation?

Amber Lynn: You mean that godless orgy of capitalism we came from? Of course not. This tribe here is way more civilised than that.

Susana: So you found the Friends with Benefits tribe?

Amber Lynn: Those idiots? No, I’m joining the Reina de Corazones tribe.

Susana: The telenovela? That’s what they worship?

Amber Lynn: Yes. Not like those Friends with Benefits morons. You should see how infatuated they are with that unattractive bitch, Mila Kunis.

Wen: [deathly serious] What?

Amber Lynn: Oh yeah. Mila Kunis is the worst actress. She’s totally incapable of carrying a scene. She’s so plain she can’t stand out unless she coats her face in makeup. So she can be either invisible or a goth whore. Those are the only kinds of parts she can play.

Wen: How dare you? You know nothing of Mila Kunis!

Susana: [puts hand on Wen’s shoulder] Becca, calm down.

Amber Lynn: [holds hands out] Calm down. All I’m saying is, she’s a talentless hack. I’m sure she’s a lovely person.

Wen: I will not hear you talk about Mila Kunis that way! She is not a lovely person! She is the dark lord incarnate! [to sky] Mila, hear me now! Grant me the power to strike down this nonbeliever!

Susana: [holds stomach] I don’t feel well.

Wen: What? No! Not her! Not Josephine! [increasing desperation] We were just getting to know each other! I was just starting to fall in love with her!

Susana: Wait, what did you just say?

Wen: [kneels next to Susana] Oh, Josephine! The moment you said you worship Satan too, I knew I had to have you!

Susana: [collapses to floor; looking up at Wen] That’s so sweet. It’s just a shame that we come to this realisation now, now that I’m about to die.

Wen: [holds Susana’s hands] It is. It’s... well, you could say that it’s almost...

Amber Lynn: Devilish?

Wen: [looking up at Amber Lynn] You... you mean...?

Amber Lynn: [turning in a circle] Fwooosh!

Susana: Mila Kunis?! So! It was you all along!

Amber Lynn: That’s right, Josephine.

Wen: [hands on hips] That’s my Satan!

Debbie: Cut, cut!

[Wen and Susana stand.]

Debbie: Well, that went on longer than I expected.

Amber Lynn: [Texan accent] Yeah, that was a real great scene there them two were doin’. I didn’t wanna innerupt ’em.

Debbie: That was a good scene, but I’d like to try something different this time. This time... [pulls note from pocket] do it like you’re inside a lift.

Wen: An elevator, you mean?

Susana: An elevator in the jungle?

Debbie: Yes. Action!

[Wen and Susana face forward.]

Wen: So what do you think happened to her?

Susana: I don’t know, but I hope she’s not worshipping Satan.

Wen: What’s wrong with worshipping Satan? I worship Satan.

Susana: What? No way! I worship Satan too!

Wen: You do? That’s so great!

Susana: Yeah! What do you like most about Satan?

Wen: The way she does the voice of Meg Griffin.

Susana: What? She?

Wen: Oh yeah, Mila Kunis is Satan. Didn’t you know that?

Susana: Well, good for her. That’s so great for her. She deserves a chance to make it big like that.

Wen: Yeah, she does. Ding! [leans forward, looks both ways]

Susana: Is the Professor not on this floor?

Wen: I don’t see her. [projecting; towards Amber Lynn] I really thought she was on this floor.

Amber Lynn: Hold the elevator!

Susana: [mimes putting hand on door]

Amber Lynn: [running in front of Wen, Susana] Thanks. [faces forward; mimes pressing button] So are you joining the tribe too?

Wen: No, Professor. We’re here to rescue you.

Amber Lynn: Rescue? What do you mean?

Susana: You know. We’re taking you to the roof.

Amber Lynn: The roof of the jungle?

Wen: Yes. The roof of the jungle.

Amber Lynn: Oh. No, I can’t go.

Susana: To the roof? Why?

Amber Lynn: I’m Satan.

Wen: Oh.

Susana: Well, good for you. [puts hand on Amber Lynn’s shoulder] That’s a real great opportunity for you. Great career move.

Wen: Yeah. You’re really gonna be going places.

Amber Lynn: Thanks. I’m looking forward to it.

[Susana sniffs, then looks around. She and Amber Lynn step away from Wen.]

Debbie: Cut! Cut!

Susana: Oh, come on! You let the first take drag on for so long, but then you cut off that one?

Debbie: I didn’t want to let that one linger. Okay, forget the lift this time. It didn’t really provide the sort of intense character development I was hoping for. [pulls note from pocket] But I know what will.

Amber Lynn: What?

Debbie: Superheroes! They’re all the rage! That’s what we need! Okay, [points to Susana] you do it like Wonder Woman, [points to Wen] you do it like the Invisible Woman, and [points to Amber Lynn] you do it like Squirrel Girl!

Amber Lynn: Like who?!

Debbie: You know, Squirrel Girl. [shrugs helplessly; holds up note] Which is apparently a thing. Okay, action!

Wen: So what are we going to do when we find her?

Susana: [jumps, then looks around] Don’t do that!

Wen: Sorry.

Susana: It’s bad enough that you follow everyone into the bathroom. I mean, I don’t mind having the extra hands when I’m douching. Thanks for that. That’s really useful.

Wen: My pleasure.

Susana: But you have to admit, it is a little creepy.

Wen: Yeah, I guess.

Susana: Anyway, when we find her, I guess I’ll use the Lasso of Truth on her.

Wen: The what?

Susana: You know. The Lasso of Truth. [mimes holding up lasso]

Wen: What does that do?

Susana: [taken aback] It... it makes people tell the truth.

Wen: Oh. I guess that explains the name. [pause] Can I try it?

Susana: Sure. [looks around]

Wen: Over here.

Susana: Oh. [mimes holding out lasso]

Wen: [mimes wrapping lasso around herself] I don’t feel any different. I mean, I worship Satan, but that’s been going on for a while. It’s not –

Susana: You what? You worship Satan?

Wen: Yeah, of course. Mila Kunis is Satan, and I worship her. What’s so strange about that?

Susana: I... I worship Satan too. I didn’t know you did.

Wen: I didn’t say anything because I don’t feel the need to be defined by categories, like [makes air quotes] whom I “worship”, or whom I’m “attracted to”, or whom I “sacrifice”.

Susana: Why, whom do you sacrifice?

Wen: Well, I haven’t sacrificed anyone in a while, but there was this one time when I sacrificed this really hot virgin. I mean really hot. She looked like Jessica Alba. You remember her, back when she was in Dark Angel?

Susana: Kinda. [glances warily at Wen] Where is the Professor?

Wen: I mean, it was weird looking at her, knowing that I was going to place her upon the Altar of Darkest Onyx, perform the Ritual of Heated Breath, and then lift the Dagger of the Cursed Blade high above my head and –

Amber Lynn: Right, what’s all this then?

Susana: Professor Jantley! You showed up just in time!

Wen: Her blood tasted like iron. I mean, I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised, because, like, iron is in red blood cells. But I was still surprised. You know? And then when I ran my tongue across her –

Susana: Give me that! [mimes taking lasso from Wen]

Amber Lynn: So what are you two doing here?

Wen: We’re here to rescue you.

Amber Lynn: What do you mean? I love it here! I’m going to stay!

Wen: Really? I mean, there aren’t any squirrels in the jungle.

Amber Lynn: I can live without squirrels.

Susana: [mimes throwing lasso around Amber Lynn]

Amber Lynn: I totally can’t live without squirrels! You gotta help me! I can’t live without those squirrels! They’re so small and cuddly and furry! They just make me feel all warm inside, and sometimes outside, and then they –

Susana: Wow, you really are nuts about squirrels.

Debbie: Cut!

[Buzzer]

Deb: So Amber Lynn, that first time, were you just hanging there, listening to that whole thing about worshipping Satan?

Amber Lynn: Yeah. That was really good. [to Susana and Wen] I hated to interrupt you guys. You were really on a roll.

Debbie: It really drew me in.

Deb: Josephine and Becca? Were those the names?

Wen: Yeah.

Deb: Yeah, I wanna see a show about them.

Wen: [dramatic voice] Paratroopers. Rescuers. Satanists!

Debbie: They’ll jump in, save your life, and jump back out! But they might just take your heart with them... literally!

Amber Lynn: Kristin Kreuk and Sandra Oh star in... Rescued by the Devil!

Wen: With Mila Kunis as Satan!

Susana: This fall on the CW!

Wen: It does kinda sound like a CW show, doesn’t it?

Susana: Can’t wait for the crossovers.

Amber Lynn: Will Josephine and Becca sacrifice Jane the Virgin? An all new Rescued by the Devil, tonight!

Deb: All right, all right. Twenty thousand points for Wen and Susana. But I am penalising you, Susana, for actually saying the words “you’re nuts about squirrels”.

Susana: What? How dare you! [to sky] Hear me now, Satan!

Debbie: I... I don’t think Mila Kunis watches our show.

Susana: [feigns disappointment] Oh.

Deb: So let’s move on now to our next game, World’s Worst. This one is for everybody. They’ll all stand right there, there on the World’s Worst Step. And they’ll come forward as they come up with examples of the world’s worst athletes or coaches. Go ahead, whenever you’re ready.

Amber Lynn: [mimes running, planting a pole, and vaulting, then dancing on pole]

[Buzzer]

Susana: [mimes lifting weight above her head] Hrrrgh! Rrrraaaaauuugh! [makes raspberry] Ummmm... anyone have a clean singlet?

[Buzzer]

Wen: Your Honour, these charges are completely unfounded. I have never once touched any of my gymnastics students inappropriately. Everything we did was completely appropriate: the spanking, the hand holding, the games of “Penis or Sock”, ...

[Buzzer]

Susana: [in Texan accent] Listen up, y’all. I’ma teach y’all how to play soccer. It’s real easy. [points] You gotta kick the ball into the thing.

[Buzzer]

Debbie: [beckons the others closer] Come here. Come here. [extends arms]

[Debbie and the others form a huddle.]

Debbie: Right everyone, here’s the play. [points to Susana] I’m going to take the ball from between your ass cheeks, then [points to Susana and Wen] you two are going to shove the guys on the other team as hard as you can, [points to Amber Lynn] and then I’ll throw the ball to you, and then you’ll carry it as far as you can until somebody on the other team jumps onto you and slams you to the ground. And the whole process is going to be perfectly normal and not homoerotic in any way whatever. Got it? Break!

[The huddle breaks.]

[Buzzer]

Amber Lynn: Hi, I’m LaVar Ball.

[Buzzer]

Amber Lynn: [to Deb] Oh, you think you can buzz me? Ain’t no woman who can buzz me! You stay in your lane, bitch! [reaches for buzzer]

[Buzzer]

Amber Lynn: See? I buzz my own damn self!

[Multiple buzzers]

Deb: Okay, so that’s six points to Debbie for the clearest explanation of American football that I’ve ever heard.

Debbie: Only six points?

Susana: [points; in Texan accent] You gotta kick the ball over the thing to get the seventh point.

Deb: Or you can go for two.

Debbie: I’ve no idea what you two are on about.

Deb: All right, well, the next game is Two Line Vocabulary. This is for Amber Lynn, Debbie, and Susana. The three of you are going to do a scene, but Amber Lynn and Susana, you each have only two lines to choose from. Amber Lynn, your lines are “Now that that’s sorted out” and “I thought so”. “Now that that’s sorted out”, “I thought so”. Susana, your two lines are “I’ll be right out” and “It’s all coming together”. “I’ll be right out”, “It’s all coming together”. And your scene is: Debbie goes to the DMV, where employees Amber Lynn and Susana try to help her renew her license. Okay, so go ahead whenever you’re ready.

Debbie: [mimes ringing bell; shouting] Hello? Anyone? [sighs] Never there when you need them. [mimes ringing bell]

Susana: [shouting] I’ll be right out!

Debbie: [shouting] Please! I’m in a hurry today! My car burned my toast, and then my toaster ran out of gas, and then I realised that cars don’t toast things and toasters don’t use gas, so I don’t know what’s going on any more! I just want to get my license renewed and then I’ll leave you lot alone!

Susana: [steps in front of Debbie]

Debbie: Finally. I need to renew my license, please. [mimes handing license to Susana]

Susana: [nods] It’s all coming together.

Debbie: Yes, that certainly explains why I’m here. Can you help me?

Susana: [nods] I’ll be right out. [steps away]

Debbie: Great. Thank you. [pause; then shouting] Er... when you say you’ll be right out... is that right out as in right out, or right out as in, you know, whenever you feel like?

Amber Lynn: [steps in front of Debbie]

Debbie: Ah. Hello. Er, you see, I’m here to renew my license.

Amber Lynn: I thought so.

Debbie: Yes, I expect you get a lot of people here for that.

Amber Lynn: [nods] Now that that’s sorted out.

Debbie: Yes, quite. I gave my old license to the other clerk, but she’s not come back yet. She’s been back there for some time.

Amber Lynn: [looks over shoulder; concerned] I thought so.

Debbie: She is fetching the paperwork, yeah?

Amber Lynn: I thought so.

Debbie: Well, could you just check on her? It seems as though she’s been gone for some time.

Amber Lynn: I thought so.

Debbie: [sighs] So the two of us agree on that. That’s wonderful.

Amber Lynn: [smiles] I thought so.

Debbie: Okay.

Amber Lynn: [nods] Now that that’s sorted out. [steps away]

Debbie: [mimes checking watch]

Susana: [shouting] I’ll be right out!

Amber Lynn: [shouting] I thought so!

Debbie: [shouting] Er... excuse me! What’s going on back there?

Susana: [shouting] It’s all coming together!

Debbie: [shouting] Oh, right! Good! Is there... you know... a form I have to fill out, or something?

Amber Lynn: [shouting] I thought so!

Debbie: [shouting] Well, could you give it to me? Then I can have it done for you when you two are done with... whatever you’re occupied with back there.

Amber Lynn: [steps in front of Debbie, mimes handing her a form]

Debbie: Ah. Thanks.

Amber Lynn: [points over shoulder] Now that that’s sorted out...

Debbie: Er... yes, of course.

Amber Lynn: [steps away]

Debbie: I’ll just fill this out, shall I? Right. [mimes filling in form; then shouting] Er... do I have to fill in all the questions?

Susana: [shouting] I’ll be right out!

Debbie: [shouting] Good. Only... you know... some of these questions are rather personal.

Amber Lynn: [shouting] Now that that’s sorted out!

Debbie: [shouting] Yes, I suppose so! I’d best just get on with filling it out, then! [to herself] Lousy bunch of useless... [shouting] Hello! Excuse me!

Susana: [steps in front of Debbie]

Debbie: Ah, hello, yes. I was just curious about this question, “Number of attendees at most recent orgy”. What exactly has that got to do with renewing a driver’s license?

Susana: [excited] It’s all coming together!

[Buzzer]

Deb: All right. That was good. You’ll each get six hundred points for that one. Next we’ll do... oh, let’s do Narrate. This one is for Amber Lynn and Wen. They’ll perform a scene, but as they go along, they’ll narrate to the camera, like in film noir. And from the audience, what’s a weird place for a film noir scene?

Audience: An oak grove! The surface of the Sun! MIT!

Deb: The surface of the Sun? Sure, why not. A film noir scene on the surface of the Sun. Amber Lynn and Wen, go ahead whenever you’re ready.

[Film noir music]

Amber Lynn: [to camera] It was another typical day in Heliopolis. Bright skies, highs of six thousand kelvins. But nothing was as hot as the dame who was about to walk into my office.

Wen: [performs pratfall] Oof! [stands, then points behind her] You should really do something about that carpet.

Amber Lynn: Why, what’s wrong with it?

Wen: I got my heel caught in that part that’s sticking up.

Amber Lynn: Oh, you wear heels. I always wear flats. I can just, like, step right on it, no problem.

Wen: [to camera] She said she never wore heels. But her calves suggested otherwise. Why would she lie about something like that? I decided to play along and see what else I could get out of her.

Amber Lynn: So what brings you to my office? Trouble with your pipes?

Wen: You could say that. You see, I... well, this is difficult to talk about.

Amber Lynn: [to camera] She had clearly had a traumatic experience. Maybe yesterday, maybe in her childhood. Although, from the look of her, those two weren’t that far apart. [to Wen] It’s okay. You can tell me. This office is heavily soundproofed.

Wen: Oh. Okay.

Amber Lynn: Maybe you’d better begin at the beginning.

Wen: I... I don’t know if I can.

Amber Lynn: Okay, well, how about if you begin in the middle?

Wen: Okay. The third time I met Patricia Heaton was exhilarating. We went snowboarding, we had hot chocolate, and then we spent the entire night talking about our hopes and dreams.

Amber Lynn: [to camera] Something about her story didn’t add up. Patricia Heaton loves snowboarding and hot chocolate, sure. We all know that. Everybody knows that. She could have gotten that from her Wikipedia page. [to Wen] Sounds idyllic. But let me ask you something: Where did the snowboarding happen?

Wen: At Big Bear.

Amber Lynn: On Earth?

Wen: Yes, that’s right. I used to live on Earth. I just moved here a few weeks ago.

Amber Lynn: What made you want to live on the Sun?

Wen: [to camera] What made me want to live on the Sun? If I could answer that, I’d put all the shrinks in town out of business. [to Amber Lynn] Let’s just say... I wanted access to fresh avocados.

Amber Lynn: [gasps] You’re a refugee from the Great Avocado Famine.

Wen: Yes. [holds hand to forehead] I watched two thirds of Angelenos succumb to famine. Fusion eateries shut down by the thousands. Guacamole had to be made with cucumbers.

Amber Lynn: [draws in breath] No.

Wen: I saw it with my own eyes! I can never forget the horrors I saw there! [grabs Amber Lynn, shakes her] You have to help me! There’s nowhere else I can turn!

Amber Lynn: [to camera] She said there was nowhere else she could turn. But there was clearly one more piece of the puzzle that she wasn’t telling me. [to Wen] Why don’t you ask this Patricia Heaton for help? You seem awfully chummy with her.

Wen: That’s exactly why I am here. You see, I couldn’t bear to stand idly by whilst Patricia Heaton starved on cucumber guacamole. So I waited for my opportunity and then took her here to the Sun, in secret. Along the way, I... [looks away] did things.

Amber Lynn: Did things? What kind of things?

Wen: I may have... experimented on her. Slightly. It worked... at first. She turned into a mathematical genius of the highest order! She could solve complex manifolds like Chandrasekhar! It was so impressive! My greatest triumph! But then... my greatest fall.

Amber Lynn: [to camera] I knew where this was going. I had seen this so many times before. It never failed to make me sick to my stomach. [to Wen] So what happened to her?

Wen: I don’t know how. I don’t know what I did. But now she... she thinks she’s a poodle.

Amber Lynn: And you want me to undo all of your experiments. To reboot her... restore her to her factory settings, as it were.

Wen: No, I want you to house train her.

[Buzzer]

Deb: Okay, a couple of things there. One, I’m sure we’re all picturing Patricia Heaton peeing all over the carpet, so thanks for that, Wen.

Wen: [salutes]

Deb: And two, wasn’t Chandrasekhar a physicist, not a mathematician?

Wen: Theoretical physicist. He worked on mathematical models of stars, and black holes, and shit.

Deb: Oh.

Debbie: Oh, she showed you!

Amber Lynn: I told you to stay in your lane, bitch! [stands, reaches for buzzer]

[Buzzer]

Deb: You know what, Wen? You were right. I’m sorry I doubted you. And Professor Chandrasekhar, I’m giving you 10¹² points.

Debbie: Wow.

Wen: A terapoint!

Debbie: Yes.

Amber Lynn: Wait, wait. If he’s got such a big lead, what’s the point in continuing?

Susana: I thought the points didn’t matter, though.

Deb: That’s right, they don’t. So why not give you another opportunity to earn useless points? How about Scenes from a Hat!

Wen: Yaaaay!

Deb: Yeah! Okay, so just like usual, we asked the audience to write down suggestions for everyone to do. We picked out the ones we liked and put them in here. [holds up inverted winter toque] And we’ll see what they can do with them, starting with... [draws paper] “Rejected superhero names”.

Amber Lynn: [to Susana] Stop right there, evildoer! I, Captain Oblivious, will not let you get away with stealing that car!

Susana: But... but this is my car!

Amber Lynn: Nor will I let you get away with stealing Susana’s identity!

Susana: But I am Susana! See? [mimes showing driver’s license] Anyway, what about those guys smashing those store windows? [points]

Amber Lynn: Oh, I’m sure that’s the owner and his friends. I’m sure they just forgot their keys at home.

[Buzzer]

Susana: Oh, that Squirrel Girl thinks she’s so great. Well, say hello to... Lemming Girl!

[Buzzer]

Susana: Never fear, Porcupine Girl is he- [places hands on hips, then removes them immediately] ow!

[Buzzer]

Deb: Okay... [draws paper] “Hashtags that didn’t trend”.

Wen: [mimes typing on telephone] “Now at 334 days! Hashtag NoVomitStreak!”

[Buzzer]

Debbie: [mimes typing on telephone] “Heading toward cliff. It’ll all be fine. Hashtag LemmingGirl.”

[Buzzer]

Deb: Wow, that took a turn quick.

Amber Lynn: Yeah! Come on, Debbie! Let’s talk about something clean and decent, like sacrificing virgins!

Deb: Or how about... [draws paper] “Strange celebrity endorsements”.

Susana: [mimes holding jar] Hi, I’m Justin Bieber for Metamucil. You know, sometimes I feel irregular. And at those times, I reach for –

[Buzzer]

Amber Lynn: Hi, I’m LaVar Ball for Secret. It’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. So you can stay in your lane, bitch!

[Buzzer]

Deb: [draws paper] Oh. This one could go a lot of different ways. “Tweets Donald Trump decided not to send”.

Wen: [mimes typing on telephone; in New York accent] “Mika Brzezinski’s reaction to my policy fails to take into account the realities of the world we live in and the socioeconomic constraints that we find ourselves –” damn, too many characters! Delete. How about... got it! “Mika Brzezinski is bleeding from her facelift! Sad!”

[Buzzer]

Susana: [mimes typing on telephone] “You know, I was wrong. President Obama, your inauguration crowds were bigger.” [pause] Nah, I’d better sleep on that one.

[Buzzer]

Wen: [mimes typing on telephone; in New York accent] “Time to come clean. I’m a petty, childish fool who is incapable of looking at the big picture, and I only ran for president because I thought the Constitution grants the president the power to grab any woman’s pussy at any time. Also, my hands really are tiny.” [pause] Nah, I’d better sleep on that one.

[Multiple buzzers]

Deb: Okay, that’s it! Today’s winners are Susana and Wen! Susana and Wen, come on over here! [stands from desk] They’re the winners, so they get to hang out over here and take full control over our game, which is Quick Change. Amber Lynn, Debbie, and I are going to perform a scene, but at any time, Susana and Wen can jump in and say “Change”, and then we have to make a change to whatever we just said. And what’s our scene there?

Susana: [opens envelope] Oh.

Wen: Yeah, looks like Reg E-mailed us a suggestion: “The Doctor’s new companion gets lost in the TARDIS, and the Doctor must help her find her way out.” Well, we’ve got three of them here, so...

Susana: How about Deb is the companion, Amber Lynn is the Doctor, and then Debbie is Missy.

Wen: Ooh! That’s good! So Deb, you’re lost in the TARDIS, and then later Amber Lynn comes in as the Doctor, and Debbie comes in as Missy.

Deb: Okay, got it.

Wen: Take it away, whenever you’re ready.

Deb: [looks around uncertainly] I... I don’t know how I got here. Umm... Doctor?

Amber Lynn: Yes?

Deb: Doctor, where are you? I can’t see you!

Amber Lynn: I’m in the console room.

Susana: Change.

Amber Lynn: I’m in the kitchen.

Susana: Change.

Amber Lynn: I’m in the pub.

Susana: Change.

Amber Lynn: I’m in the hot tub.

Susana: Change.

Amber Lynn: I’m in Squash Court Seven.

Deb: Wait, how many squash courts are there?

Amber Lynn: Not sure. I still haven’t fully explored in here yet. I mean, I haven’t even found Squash Courts One through Six yet.

Deb: Oh. Well... how do I get to Squash Court Seven?

Amber Lynn: Hang on. I’m... [enters] Ah, there you are.

Deb: Oh, I’m so relieved to see you! You know, when I first ran into you outside my apartment in New York –

Wen: Change.

Deb: When I first ran into you at Coachella –

Wen: Change.

Deb: When I first ran into you at a midnight screening of Rocky Horror –

Wen: Change.

Deb: At... umm... at an antique car show.

Wen: Change.

Deb: On the surface of the Sun.

Wen: Change.

Deb: On the first day of Lent.

Wen: Change.

Deb: On a tour of the... the... the royal palace of Glukselpleg Nineteen.

Amber Lynn: I remember that.

Deb: Yeah. When I saw you peeking out from behind the closet doors, I thought, “What a strange person”.

Susana: Change.

Deb: I thought, “Those spectacles don’t have any lenses in them”.

Amber Lynn: They’re sonic.

Deb: But... but what does that even mean? How can you have sonic specs?

Amber Lynn: You know, just in case.

Deb: In case of what?

Amber Lynn: Here, I’ll show you. [mimes pressing bridge of specs, then imitates sonic screwdriver noise] Wzzzzz-

Susana: Change!

Amber Lynn: [mimes pressing bridge of specs] Aaoogah!

Susana: Change!

Amber Lynn: [mimes pressing bridge of specs, then imitates bugle] Ba-ba-ba-bam-baba-bam-baba-

Susana: Change!

Amber Lynn: [mimes pressing bridge of specs] Kaboom!

Deb: [looks around] What was that?

Debbie: [in Scottish accent] What was what?

Amber Lynn: You! How did you get in here?

Debbie: Through the front door.

Susana: Change!

Debbie: Through the side door.

Susana: Change!

Debbie: Through the back door.

Susana: Change!

Debbie: I parked my motorcycle in –

Susana: Change!

Debbie: The Metropolitan Line –

Susana: Change!

Debbie: I parked my TARDIS inside yours in such a –

Susana: Change!

Debbie: I walked –

Susana: Change!

Debbie: I swam –

Susana: Change!

Debbie: A lift –

Susana: Change!

Debbie: I –

Susana: Change!

Debbie: I didn’t even say anything that time.

Susana: Change!

Debbie: The TARDIS let me in.

Amber Lynn: What do you mean, the TARDIS let you in? Why would the TARDIS let you in?

Debbie: Oh, she trusts me a lot more than you do. You know, you and I aren’t all that different.

Amber Lynn: What? We’re completely different! I don’t go around barging into other people’s TARDISes!

Wen: Change!

Amber Lynn: I don’t go around building armies of Cybermen!

Wen: Change!

Amber Lynn: I don’t go around wearing hats decorated with berries!

Debbie: You wear celery on your lapel!

Amber Lynn: One time!

Deb: Wait. You wore celery on your lapel?

Amber Lynn: I did that one time! And it looked awesome! [to Debbie] You know it did!

Debbie: That is true. You’re right. I could never pull that off.

Deb: Hold on. [peers at Amber Lynn] What is that you have on your lapel now?

Amber Lynn: It’s a gift from River.

Deb: But what is it?

Amber Lynn: It’s a tulip petal.

Susana: Change!

Amber Lynn: It’s a coriander leaf.

Susana: Change!

Amber Lynn: It’s a sonic kerchief.

Susana: Change!

Amber Lynn: It’s a Jammie Dodger.

Susana: Change!

Amber Lynn: It’s a bolt from the first Dalek she ever blew up.

Susana: Change!

Amber Lynn: It’s a mirror, so that any Weeping Angels I run into –

Susana: Change!

Amber Lynn: It’s a Squirrel Girl pin.

Susana: Change!

Amber Lynn: It’s a vial of her blood.

Susana: Change!

Amber Lynn: It’s a vial of Angelina Jolie’s blood.

Debbie: Is it?

Deb: Wait, I don’t understand. Why would she give you that?

Amber Lynn: Er...

Debbie: Yes, Doctor. Why would River Song give you a vial of Angelina Jolie’s blood?

Amber Lynn: We rescued her from being sacrificed.

Deb: That... that doesn’t explain why you have her blood, though.

Amber Lynn: Well, Angelina was so grateful, she drew some of her own blood and gave it to River. And then River gave it to me.

Deb: Oh. So what are you going to do with it?

Amber Lynn: I don’t know. Give it to Billy Bob Thornton?

Deb: Haven’t they been divorced for, like, fifteen years?

Amber Lynn: Yeah, I’ll give it to him fifteen years ago.

Deb: Fifteen years ago?

Amber Lynn: That’s time travel, baby!

Debbie: Er, please don’t call her “baby”. Please don’t call anyone “baby”.

Amber Lynn: Well, what should I call you?

Deb: You could call me Shayla. Seeing as how that’s my name.

Susana: Change!

Deb: Call me Shauna.

Susana: Change!

Deb: Call me Susana.

Susana: Change!

Deb: Call me Shaniquah.

Susana: Change!

Deb: Call me porn star Sandra Shine.

Susana: Change!

Deb: Call me Susan, because I’m your granddau-

Susana: Change!

Deb: Ummm... call me Ishmael.

Susana: Change!

Deb: [makes telephone gesture] Call me tomorrow.

Susana: Change!

Deb: Call me maybe.

Susana: Change!

Deb: Call me anything you like, as long as you –

Susana: Change!

Deb: Call me your mistress.

Amber Lynn: Okay.

Debbie: No, hold on! That’s my thing!

Amber Lynn: You can be my mistress too.

Debbie: [rubs hands; excited] Oh, now we’re getting somewhere!

Deb: Well, as your mistresses, we order you to go to the control room and –

Wen: Change!

Deb: We order you to go to the ballroom and –

Wen: Change!

Deb: We order you to go to the weight room and –

Wen: Change!

Deb: Go to the hot tub and –

Wen: Change!

Deb: Go to the dungeon and –

Wen: Change!

Deb: Go to the attic and –

Wen: Change!

Deb: Go to the archery field and... um...

Debbie: And put my hat on. We’ll shoot it off your head. [mimes shooting arrow]

Amber Lynn: [thrilled] I thought you’d never ask!

Deb: Well, if this doesn’t get onto Whofic, I don’t know what will.

[Buzzer]

Deb: Ooh, that was a good one. [returns to desk] All right, so now I’m going to have Wen and Susana read the credits. And Susana, you’re going to read the credits as you house train Patricia Heaton, played by Wen. Thank you so much everybody! Good night!

Wen: [on all fours] Arf! Arf! Arf!

Susana: Shh! Quiet, Patricia! Wen Jialuen will hear you!

Wen: [lifts leg]

Susana: No, no, no! What did you do? [shoves Wen’s face to floor]

Wen: [whimpers]

Susana: Patricia, this hurts me as much as it does Deb Harratsch!

Wen: [crawls to camera, licks it]

Susana: Oh! Don’t do that! Patricia, you’re going to have to learn that any views expressed herein are those of the participants and not necessarily those of GoobNet Enterprises Inc [which doesn’t actually exist however]!

Wen: [drags ass across floor]

Susana: [facepalms] I’m never going to get my PhD from this experiment.