WEEKLY WHINE

Let us solve an unsolved problem

The Clay Mathematics Institute has defined a challenge for humans. We have been given seven problems that were, in 2000, unsolved; solutions to any of these problems would be historic achievements, and the individuals who solved them would receive US$1,000,000 per problem.

To date, one of the seven, the Poincaré conjecture, has already been solved. That leaves six more still to be solved.

Recently, we here at GoobNet asked you, people who are humans, whether you could solve any of the remaining problems. We gave you a week. We figured that was plenty of time.

So, pencils down, everyone. Let us see what solutions you have provided to the world. Before we open the GoobNet Mailbox, please ensure that your mass gap is not asymptotically free, and that you are standing with both feet fully within the Hodge cycle marked on the floor. This is for your own safety; we have computed that the probability of safety during GoobNet Mailbox openings is greater than 100% if and only if you are standing within the Hodge cycle marked on the floor. We of course wish to thank Tonya Evinger and Sean Gunn for performing these computations, which were so thorough and accurate that we did not feel the need to review them ourselves. So just go ahead and stand there within the Hodge cycle, content in the knowledge that you will be entirely safe no matter what outlandish and disgusting disasters may occur when the GoobNet Mailbox opens.

I have disproven the Riemann hypothesis. The Riemann zeta function does have a zero at -2, whose real part is not equal to 0.5.

– Greg Historical
Lac-du-Lac, MN, USA

That is a trivial zero. Please reread the problem statement.

Proving the existence of a smooth, globally defined solution to the Navier-Stokes equations in three dimensions is trivial. I wrote it in the margin of this website.

– Mel Zodiac
Swansea, Wales, UK

We regret to inform you that we have found it. We further regret to further inform you that your proof is incomplete. It does not take into account the special case where i is zero, one, or an integer less than infinity.

I have proven the Poincaré conjecture! Where’s my Fields Medal?

– Jackson Hernández
Sevilla, Spain

You don’t get one. The Poincaré conjecture has already been proven.

Yes, but the other guy who proved it declined the Fields Medal. Therefore it goes to me. And by an old rule of Spain, all mathematical prizes now go into my sack.

– Jackson Hernández
Sevilla, Spain

Let us now see your short film Finian’s Rainbow, starring the man from the off licence.

I have successfully disproven the Hodge conjecture. The correct conjecture is: Let X be a non-singular complex projective manifold. Then every Hodge class on X can be contained entirely within a tin of yogurt.

– Sam Parclough
Brighton, OR, USA

We have discovered an error in your proof: Yogurt does not come in tins.

I was all set to prove the Birch and Swinnerton-Dyer conjecture, but then I realised: I have no idea what the hell the Birch and Swinnerton-Dyer conjecture is.

– Anton Foundevic
Dover, DE, USA

In that case, please reread the problem statement.

Here is my solution to the problem of P versus NP: No.

– Radjedja Mounckers
Toronto, ON, Canada

How about no?

Correct.

– Radjedja Mounckers
Toronto, ON, Canada

Go away.