WEEKLY WHINE

GoobNet Power System

The GoobNet Power System is a unique way of looking at the 1998 major league home run race. Unsurprisingly, most people so far have been looking at it numerically, and the GPS is just another way to look at the numbers. Our crack research staff, the same one that put together the infamous Numbers, has been poring over every single aspect of the home run race, and here's what it has come up with.

Mark McGwire's home run total after Saturday.

Sammy Sosa's home run total after Saturday.

Estimated distance, in feet, of McGwire's 55th dinger last Sunday.

Large replicas of Band-Aids marking impacts of McGwire homers in Busch Stadium.

Large replicas of Band-Aids marking impacts of Sosa homers in Wrigley Field.

Shirtless college guys needed to spell Sosa's last name, at least one group of which must be among the Bleacher Bums for every Cubs home game.

Shirtless college guys remaining after one of them is injured trying to catch Sosa's 62nd - they then spell SOA.

Different game uniforms that McGwire's Cardinals have at their disposal [white, grey, blue].

Different game uniforms that Sosa's Cubs have at their disposal [white, grey, blue].

Members of Major League Baseball's Secret Service who will immediately descend upon whoever catches that sixty-second ball.

Representatives of rich or semi-rich people who will immediately descend upon whoever catches that sixty-second ball with outrageous offers.

Amount, in dollars, paid for Eddie Murray's 500th career home run.

Potential opening value, in dollars, should the record-breaking long ball go on the auction block.

GoobNet's best offer, in dollars.

Reporters, on average, waiting to talk to McGwire before each Cardinals game. Note that this is a very inaccurate estimation; if you're willing to go to the interview room before a game and count the reporters, we'd love to credit you with an exact count, but of course, then it wouldn't be an average.

GoobNet reporters who have ever interviewed, photographed, approached, or even seen McGwire.

Reporters, on average, waiting to talk to Sosa before each Cubs game. Again, feel free to make your own count.

GoobNet reporters who have ever interviewed, photographed, approached, or even seen Sosa.

GoobNet reporters.

Estimated percentage of fans who would return the record-breaking ball to the hitter.

Estimated percentage of fans who would take the money and run.

Estimated percentage of fans who would do something else, like keep it, give it to the Hall of Fame, or swallow it.

Recorded cases of patients who had baseballs extracted from their throats in the Mayo Clinic's history.

Font size, in point, of the disclaimer that tags every official major league ball: "CAUTION: May be harmful if swallowed in large quantities."