WEEKLY WHINE
"Dynamite Eating" Edvard van de Kamp was the first of our Friends of GoobNet. We met him, studied him, and interviewed him so often during his performing years that he became one of our best buds. This week, he and Reginald J Goober, founder and CEO of GoobNet Enterprises Inc [which doesn't actually exist however], headed to Las Vegas, NV, USA to meet up with some other Friends of GoobNet to see what they've been up to. More about and/or by Edvard can be found in these Whines. -NGB
It's a fairly long drive to Las Vegas, so Reg and I had to come up with some creative ways to pass the time, like singing. Singing badly. But we each learned something, besides one another's ineptitude. He taught me Skee-Lo's "I Wish", and I taught him Amber's "Above the Clouds".
Anyway, at about 18:00 PDT we pulled into the Bellagio. Might as well go all out, right? It wasn't as though we were intending to fritter our money away on the fruit machines. [Or "slot" machines. I got some funny looks before our stay was up.] But more to the point, that's where Janet Love 1 and Ali Liminisi 2 would be awaiting us.
Reg headed to the front desk to check us in, and I began to prowl in search of our targets. They told me to look for two girls, one with a silver top and red pants, one with a red top and silver pants. How creative.
I found them standing around a craps table amongst some medium rollers. Casually, I sidled up and whispered in one's ear, "I'm looking for a little Love". I've always wanted to do that.
She turned around, and, a little smirk forming, answered, "You've come to the right place." Putting her arm around her companion, she added, "I got a little Love right here."
I'm not a tall man, not by any means. But women who are even shorter than I am give me a weird feeling. Janet 1 and Ali 2 were both shorter than me. I couldn't help but make the inevitable remark, "You certainly are a little Love."
"You know what they say about -" here Janet 1 thrust a fist in my face "- small packages, right?"
I eyed Ali 2 again. "They come in pairs?"
"Normally, yes. But today, buy two," indicating herself and Janet 1, "get one free," pointing to me.
We made our introductions and returned to the lobby to see if Reg was through at the desk. He wasn't. They must have been drawing a blood sample or something for identification.
Reg saw us walking in, and the witty exchanges resumed. "Hey, Eddie. Couple of nice trophies you got there."
"Won them at the craps table."
"Must not have been a very high stakes table." Always the short jokes. Is there no other source of humour in Las Vegas?
So, we made our way to the room. I dumped my stuff onto one bed, Reg his onto the other. Our dinner reservations downstairs were upcoming in about twenty minutes, so we spent the time observing the parade of humanity in the Bellagio's copious casino floor. We asked them what happened after their unification.
"I'd been in my family's business for three years," Ali 2 recalled. "I was looking for just about any excuse to get out of that, frankly. And then I saw that license plate thing."
"Yeah, that license plate thing," Janet 1 added. That is evidently their name for an article we did last spring about a license plate, which, as told in the next week's article, eventually led to the unification of Janet 1 with Ali 2. It was quite a complex story.
"So I called her. Well, I was calling Janet 2, but Janet 1 had moved to California a couple of years before that and, somehow, had been given Janet 2's old number. But when I got Janet 1, neither of us noticed at first. We decided to come here and become blackjack dealers."
Reg asked, "Why blackjack dealers in particular?"
"Why not?"
"Well, most women who come to Vegas have, um, different aspirations."
Janet 1 jumped in. "Well, I always wanted to do something like that. You know, controlling people's destinies, determining whether they would go home penniless or rich beyond their dreams."
This amused me. "The feeling of power? At a blackjack table?"
Janet 1 said, "House always wins, right? Blackjack, the dealer's really in control, even if you don't actually know what the next card is."
By this time we were being escorted to our table. I restarted the discussion. "So how's that going?"
"How's what going?"
"Are you, in fact, blackjack dealers at this very moment?"
Ali 2 exhaled. "No. We've been taking classes, but it's been kind of hard to break through. For now we're both receptionists. I'm at a dentist's office, Janet 1's at a telephone company. J-One here doesn't mind her job that much, actually, but I've been going loony."
Janet 1 said, "Yeah, you wouldn't believe some of the psychos who come in with late bills and junk like that. I just love denying their requests for extensions. The feeling of power."
"Sounds like an odd way to get your kicks."
"Says the former dynamite eater," Reg said.
Okay, that was a good one. But at the moment I was too preoccupied to respond. Something was bothering me, and I raised it. "You've been calling one another Janet 1 and Ali 2. Do you always do that?"
"Yeah. Well, see..." Ali 2 began, hesitatingly, "I had a terrific night with Janet 2 way back when. I'll never forget that, but now I've got this special relationship with Janet 1. Now, Janet 2's in the past. Like an ex."
Janet 1 also looked uncomfortable. "Now that you mention it, Ali 2 and I have never had a night together like I did with Ali 1. Same with A-Two." Ali 2 nodded. "We have really good sex. Amongst the best I've had."
"Just not the best," Ali 2 added.
Janet 1 had another bite of her chicken pot pie, then continued. "I think one of these days we'll get it right. But I'd be just fine if we just keep on having the same boring old sex we always have."
Ali 2 leaned over and embraced her girlfriend. "Sounds good to me, J-One."
They spent a couple of moments planting kisses on various parts of one another's faces, and finally Ali 2 broke away to speak. "And this is a good body to have around. J-One's body just feels so good. Here," she said, lifting up Janet 1's shirt, "feel her tits."
"What?" I certainly wasn't expecting this. Reg was looking around, but I didn't need to. I could hear a restaurant full of eyes swinging round to stare at us.
"Come on, you'll like it," Janet 1 promised. That wasn't helping matters any.
I looked over to Reg. He was even less helpful: "No, you go ahead. I'll have some later." As though she'd offered a piece of her steak.
What the hell, I figured. Should be easy compared to eating explosives in public. So, I unceremoniously reached over and rubbed Janet 1's right breast. Of course, once I'd taken a centimetre, they gave me an AU. Ali 2 shoved my palm right into the thick of Janet 1's breast. And it actually did feel nice, and a bit squishy. One of the better racks I'd felt in my days.
Nonetheless, I was thankful when that experience was over.
We learned little more about Ali 2 and Janet 1 that evening. But one interesting item did occur much later, when I had accompanied them to their place. Reg declined, choosing to retire back to our room.
I had one hand down each girl's trousers when a thought struck me. "Have you ever found Janet 2 and Ali 1?"
Janet 1 pulled her tongue out of my ear. "No, that's the funny thing. I mean, we were all in Montana to begin with, right? And both Alis apparently had a family that owned a business there. I've tried to look up the other Liminisis, but I never got anything substantial."
Ali 2 added, "Yeah, and I haven't been able to find Janet 2. I have her old business card, but the company went out of business. She could be anywhere now."
I was perplexed. "But isn't it highly unlikely that there would be two people in one city with the same exact name without either of you knowing? People never called you looking for the other Ali?"
She considered that a moment. "I guess it is odd. But who cares?"
The next day, Janet 1 and Ali 2 took me back to the Bellagio. They came up quickly to the room, and Ali 2 said, "Hey, we're going to the gym for a basketball game. You guys want to play?"
"Thanks, no. Basketball's not my sport."
Janet 1 again assumed the role of the tease. "You're sure you don't want to see our toned, sweaty bodies fighting for loose balls? Your loss. We'll see you tonight." And all I could do was stand and shake my head.
Reg called, from the bathroom, "Wish you were a little bit taller, huh?"
"Yeah, I wish I was a baller."
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